Ok.  So.  I owe you all some details about D.

The dinner and movie were okay--of course I ate too much and of course that part was awful...everything was covered in butter.  Luckily, I'm vegan (mostly), so I got away with just some veggies and a bit of rice. 

That was Saturday.

Sunday, I had a mini-breakdown of sorts.  And after I'd calmed down a bit, I got on fb and D was on and messaged me, asking how my day was.  And the thing about D is that I promised myself and him that I would be completely honest at all times.  (I tend to fake a lot and just act how everyone expects me to act--it's so much easier.)  D's thing is that he will not push me to say anything if I'm not comfortable--if he asks a question that I don't want to answer, ok, that's fine.  But if I do answer, it has to be the truth.  (I am enforcing this myself.  I promised myself, and I do my best not to break promises.)

Anyway.  He asked how my day was, and I completely just dumped everything I was feeling on him.  I was so overwhelmed...  I apologized immediately, of course, and signed off in embarrassment, sure that he would never want to associate with me again--now that I had revealed how completely messed up and crazy I am.

A few minutes later, he texts me, wanting to come over.  I say ok.  He comes over, and we end up talking until 5:30 the next morning.  And cuddling a bit.  Which was incredibly nice.  :)

I told him things that I had never ever told anyone before.  I told him my deepest darkest secrets (except the food issues.  He does not know about that.  And I hope to hell that he never asks directly, because I don't want him to know any of that).  He is so easy to talk to...

The thing is, I don't know if I can handle a relationship right now.  Neither of us are really the "friends with benefits" types, so if I decide to date him, it will probably be something more than casual.  I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  And whatever I do, it can't last--because I will be leaving for grad school soon.  I've been clear about my doubts and uncertainties.  He is not pushing it.

Since that long talk, we've gotten dinner together once (a very casual thing, though.  Not a date), and he walked me home later and stayed until 12:30, watching YouTube videos (and cuddling a little).

Morning after that, I was slightly freaking out--I am not the sort of person who just cuddles with people!  I felt really weird about it...like we had intimate moments without actually being anything at all?  Does that make any sense?  Maybe I just wanted some clarification/validation.  I texted him and told him that I was really confused and kind of uncomfortable with him and me and us (if there even is an "us") and wanted to talk to him about it.  We are meeting Sunday to talk. 

I need to decide by then what I want to do. 

I really really like D.

I am so scared.

Here is another fucked-up thing: one thought I had was that if I date D that will involve lunches, dinners, stuff like that.  The vegan thing will help a bit...but ohmygod I wish I could make myself purge.  I hate that I have even considered that aspect of dating him!  Why can't I be normal???

Rarglebarglebargle.

Stupid upstairs neighbors who fight at 3 AM.  Stupid plateau.  Stupid boys.

I am confused confused confused about D right now.  Details later (maybe) when I don't have class.

...and now for a crazy diet ice cream soda party!  *throws streamers* 

:)

In response to Tom Bailey's comment:
Really?  I do not harbor any illusion of being interesting.  Except to myself, of course, as I am the one involved in all my life's drama.

Also, the concept of achieving my goals...that's bloody difficult when you don't know exactly what your goals are!  I have no idea of what I want in life, in myself.  I mean, obviously I'm on some sort of track: finishing college, grad school, research.  But that all seems so abstract and out-of-reach right now.  I do have GWs, etc.  But they are only numbers.  I think that my ultimate goal is to have some sort of control.  And it seems like the only part of my life right now that I can control is what goes into my mouth (though even that is uncontrollable at times!).

I am aware that explanation is horribly stereotypical and cliche.  It is the best I can do right now.  In actuality, I don't know why I am this way.  I've been handling it for nigh on seven years now.  It is a part of me.  I wish desperately that it wasn't; that I could be normal for once in my life.  But I do not think I can.  I am not strong enough to survive adrift, without my rock of an ED to cling to.

Today, I overslept.

And instead of getting dressed and rushing to do lab prep before I have to leave, I'm going to spend my 8 remaining minutes reading your blog updates.

Further proof that you are incredibly special, my lovelies!

<3

a comment

(a comment for the lovely Peri, placed here because I cannot place it on her blog)

Waaah Peri, your first paragraph has completely made my day!

I intensely dislike eating in front of others (I feel so self-conscious it's almost paralyzing) hence the incredible pizza restraint.  Believe me, if it had been just me and the pizza, one of us would very quickly have been devoured.  And as pizza does not have teeth...well, you see where I am going with this!

Our scales should meet--they seem to be soul-mates, of sorts.

I loveyouloveyoulove you!

(P.S. Boy is a total ass, and you are a complete saint for putting up with him.)

wtf, body.  w.t.f.

i sleep in this morning (glorious).  upon waking, i go through my normal routine.  bathroom.  scale.  scale says impossible number.  step off.  try again.  same number.  (.5 lbs away from GW2!)  i decide scale is fucking with me.  i go shower.

i go to volunteer event.  get away with just coffee for breakfast.  they feed us pizza for lunch.  i am standing away from the line, trying to look inconspicuous.  M thinks i am waiting to get in line...gestures for me to cut in front of him to get a piece.  there is only one piece left in that box, so i don't even get to choose for size (luckily, it is a fairly small piece).  i eat it.  i feel intensely awful all the while.  i wish i could make myself sick, but i have never been able to.  (i probably would have tried when i got home, but roommate was there.  and sound carries in our house.)

i get home.  pull out scale.  scale says GW2.  what. the. fuck.

scale is definitely fucking with me.  body is fucking with me.  it knows i will have to eat tonight.  it knows i have no choice.  tomorrow i will wake up and be a million lbs heavier, i am sure of it.

i am downing diet soda for caffeine content and fiber packets like there's no tomorrow.  my tummy is unhappy because of the pizza.  ugh.

Much has happened.  Someone I know admitted to having a crush on me (apparently for a while...like even when I was still with ex)--we'll call him D for simplicity.

Ohgod.  It's so difficult being single!  I don't know what to do about this.  Do I like him?  I have no idea.

He's invited me to dinner and a movie with a group of friends tomorrow.  I am sort of panicking.  Maybe I can find a menu online??

I am reading all your blogs and I love you all!  I just still have not figured out the commenting thing yet.  Every time I try, Blogger eats my words.

Bloody Willow

Oh.  Hello, period.  I guess that's why I've been so bingey lately.  Good to know.  Now I can get back on track.

So.  Story time.

I am constantly, consistantly, painfully awkward.  I blurt out whatever junk is in my head and land myself in all sorts of cringe-worthy situations.

Back up a bit.  I have talked about Cute Boy from high school...let's call him N from now on.  He has nothing to do with this story.

This story, in fact, has to do with another Cute Boy (not even just cute--this guy is breathtakingly HOT) who is unfortunate enough to have to work with me on club stuff.  We'll call him M.  (NOT to be confused with the ex, whose name also starts with M, but who is basically polar opposite from Cute Boy M)

I have an insanely huge crush on this guy.  He is incredibly smart, fairly ambitious, deliciously sarcastic.  And gorgeous, of course.

Every time we interact, I end up embarrassing myself.  Every single fucking time.  I am totally and completely incapable of being cool and smooth...I get red and start babbling about nonsensical and irrelevant shit.  He humors me.  I can never tell what he's thinking, but I'm fairly certain it's something along the lines of, "Holy fuck, why is she still talking?  Can I leave now?"

Anyway.  Back to the story.

Today, in my last class of the day, my Auntie Flo decided it was time to visit.  I, of course, was completely unprepared.  Ok, says I, no problem...I'll just run to the drugstore.  I'd left my bag with my wallet in it in the locked office and when I go to retrieve it, I notice that one of the advisors is still there (this woman loves to mother us all and is so amazingly sweet that it's almost scary).  Score!  I won't have to go to the store, I'll just ask her for some supplies to get me through the rest of the evening until I can go home!

Meanwhile, I've texted M: hey, are u going to be around <office> anytime soon?  i have some club stuff to give u.
M: yeah, i am upstairs now
me: cool.  meet me downstairs in 15?
M: k

Me (to advisor):  Hey, ...so I have a really embarrassing personal situation...um...
Advisor:  Do you need a Tampax?  (hallelujah, she reads minds!)
Me:  YES.  Do you happen to have any?
Advisor:  I think so...let me just check...
Me:  Oh thank goodness!  My period just started in that last class, and it's a little early, so I totally wasn't prepared, and I didn't realize, which is annoying, because that's a pair of panties ruined--
M:  *ahem* Hey...
Me: ...
My brain:  OH FUCK.  WHAT DID I JUST SAY?  WHAT DID HE JUST HEAR?
Me:  OhmygodI'msoembarrassed!  M, go AWAY!
Advisor:  Why?  Is he with you?
Me:  Um, yes, we were meeting for something--
Advisor:  Ohhh, is he your boyfriend?
Me:  NO!
*turning to M* Please, just give me 2 minutes.

Of course then, after I got the tampon from Advisor, I had to WALK PAST M TO GET TO THE BATHROOM.  He pretended not to notice anything.

I managed to give him theclub stuff and get through about 5 minutes of (awkward on my part) conversation.  Oh dear god.  It was excruciating.  I can't believe he heard me talk about my bloody panties.  Ew.

(Salix would like to note that it had definitively NOT been 15 mins when M came down...maybe 7 minutes MAX.  So.  Situation not entirely my fault.)

Every time I get under GW 1 I promptly binge.  It is a bizarre behavior.  Stomach, body, brain, you have much farther to go!  Do not get complacent.

Today's binge was bad, but it could have been worse.  I will content myself with that thought.

I have not accomplished anything yet.  Grad applications linger over my head like a threatening storm cloud.  I do not know why I am so afraid of them!  Surely the process cannot be that bad!  I have a back-up plan for if everyone rejects me.  I have great GRE scores and I look pretty good on paper.  Why am I so hesitant?  I should just get the damn things over with.

I wish that I was less awkward around people.  I wish I was slim and delicate and confident.

I need to leave so that I do not miss another meeting.  My commitments are no longer enjoyable...they are a constant drudgery that I only perform to satisfy everyone else's expectations.  What do I do for myself and only for myself?  Nothing.  Perhaps that is why I binge.

I am falling apart.  Flying into a million billion minuscule pieces.  There is too much and I am not capable of handling all of it.  I wish I could hide under my covers forever.

fatuglyfatuglyfatuglygluttonousblobbyoverflowingraveninggorginginsatiablegrosspiggypigpig

FUCK.

Why why why am I up so early?

To study crabbies, that's why!  (Yes, the actual decapod-type crabs.)  Only only I didn't realize that it would still be dark now--why is it dark?  It was light by this time yesterday--so even though the tide is right, I am emphatically not not not in the marshes but instead sitting at home!  What a boo situation!

And Cute Boy never called me.  And it's now been a week since he said he would.  :(

But!  I do now have texting on my phone!  And so far I love it love it love it.  I am a really slowwww texter though.  If turtles had opposable thumbs and cared about communication, they would text at approximately the same rate I do.

So!  It is finally getting light.  Hello, morning!  Now off to the beaches with you, Salix!

Last Standardized Test of My Life

I am eating 200 cals of oatmeal right now.  Which is allowed on account of the test. 

I have been so boring lately!  Life is in the way.  I want to be creative and type all the words spilling from my brain right now, but I have to have to have to getupgetdressedlastfewstudyquestionspanicpanicpanicgettocampusfindtestingroom.

Love from the obsessively incessantly manic test-taker!

Cute Boy Alert!

Back to GW 1, which is nice!  I am feeling moderately more in control.

Ran into Cute Boy from high school yesterday (yes, we go to the same university).  I hadn't seen him in so long!  Hugged him hard and chatted.  :)

So I heard you and M broke up.
Oh, ummm, yeah.  Last semester.
What happened?
I...dunno, really.  Just before I left for the summer, he was like "we're going in different directions.  and you're a crazy bitch."  And I was like *shrug* "ok, whatever".  And then I went away all summer, which was totally amazing and exactly what I needed.  And now he's dating one of my friends, which is so awkward it's hilarious.

(a little later)
You don't have texting on your phone, do you?
Nope.  I think I'm going to get it though, after my subject tests are over.  Why?  Did you try to text me or something?
Yeah, I had a dream about you the other night and was going to text you about it.
Oh really?  What about?
You were dating this guy named Gill.  Are you dating someone named Gill?
No...I'm not dating anyone right now.

He said he'd call me.  I hope he does.

On the texting subject, I've pretty much decided to get it added to my plan.  Next weekend is my last subject test!  So after that's over.

Today

I am fasting.