Two tests down! Now only stats left on Friday (8 am...ugh. Early classes suck).
My best friend is coming into town today and staying until Saturday/Sunday. I'm excited! I stocked up on safe foods: shirataki noodles, celery, carrots, mustard (I ADORE mustard), apples, and cantaloupe. Let's see how little I can get away with.
I've been doing so well lately. I'm a little frightened that I will drop back into binge-mode because of the eating L's visit will entail. I am definitely very extreme in my food habits: it's all or nothing for me. Hopefully I'll be able to stay in control.
Have a great day, lovelies! <3
3/31/10
3/29/10
Today has been nothing short of awesome.
I had my first test of the week this afternoon (biochem, ugh) and was super stressed out over it...but then I checked my emails between classes and OMG!!! I got accepted into grad school! My top choice! (I haven't got the official letter of acceptance yet, but they sent me a "Welcome to so-and-so University! Here's your student ID" type email, so I called and they said the letter should be in the mail. WHEEEEE!)
Stress over test? Totally gone. I don't even care if I aced it or not now. I definitely don't think it was as horrendous as last one though.
And THEN after the test, I went to this Chinese grocery store...and found my shirataki noodles! Seriously, guys, I absolutely adore this stuff. Pasta for 0 cals? What's not to love? I've never found it in my area before though--I ordered it online. It's cheaper at the grocery store. :)
Actually, D and I went to Publix yesterday (because he cooked me dinner. Awwww. I managed to get him to use spaghetti squash instead of real pasta. We mixed it with sauteed veggies. Which made me anxious because he used tons of olive oil. But I ate some anyway. And he liked it, so yay!) and I found some there too...but it's the tofu kind, which is not 0 cal.
D is pretty incredible. Have I said that lately? I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the ED outright, so I gave him this blog address (I made him promise that he would never ever visit the blog again after the first time). Here's the text exchange about 20 minutes after that:
D: Did you really think that would be enough to drive me away? I love you [Salix], and that means I am here for you. Can I come back so we can talk?
D: I am actually still sort of outside. I read on blackberry in car. May I please come in??
me: not sure i want to talk to you
D: Why? Honey, this isn't nearly enough to drive me away. I am still here for you...if you will still have me.
me: anyway, you have class tomorrow. you need to go home and get some sleep.
D: I can spare a few minutes at least. We should talk about this.
me: there is nothing to talk about.
D: You know that's not true.
D: Please?? If not for you, then for me.
So I let him in and he cuddled me and talked to me for about 2 hours until I could look him in the face again. He says he loves me. He says we can make it through this. He says he will be there for me and help me in whatever way he can. He says I'm beautiful.
I don't know how much he really understands. He wants to look up scientific papers on EDs. I don't know how helpful that will be...he'd understand the clinical aspects, but probably not so much the emotional experience.
So far things are good. It has not become a big issue like I feared. In fact, it's been mostly a non-issue. He has not been prying into what I eat/do not eat. (I know he only read the latest posts...and we all know that those were binge-binge-binge, so I don't know if he realizes I starve as well. He's pretty perceptive, so maybe.) He says he won't push me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. He did make me promise to give up laxatives. Which I have. They are so damaging anyways.
I can't believe he's still with me. It's incredible.
Also, the past few days (actually, ever since I told D) have been great foodwise. Had to go out to eat with a friend who was in town but just got a salad, no dressing on Wednesday, then D made dinner last night. Other than that: gum, cough drops (FINALLY over that cold!), vitamins & calcium tablets, water, tea, and diet soda (needed the caffeine. I know I should give that up).
I am finally getting a little lower. Not as low as last semester yet, but I am on the right track!
I am so happy today. I want to feel like this forever. Let's all be happy together! Just for 10 minutes today, throw everything else out the window and be joyful about something. Sunshine, clouds, diet coke, gummy vitamins, a good grade, a good friend, anything!
:)
I had my first test of the week this afternoon (biochem, ugh) and was super stressed out over it...but then I checked my emails between classes and OMG!!! I got accepted into grad school! My top choice! (I haven't got the official letter of acceptance yet, but they sent me a "Welcome to so-and-so University! Here's your student ID" type email, so I called and they said the letter should be in the mail. WHEEEEE!)
Stress over test? Totally gone. I don't even care if I aced it or not now. I definitely don't think it was as horrendous as last one though.
And THEN after the test, I went to this Chinese grocery store...and found my shirataki noodles! Seriously, guys, I absolutely adore this stuff. Pasta for 0 cals? What's not to love? I've never found it in my area before though--I ordered it online. It's cheaper at the grocery store. :)
Actually, D and I went to Publix yesterday (because he cooked me dinner. Awwww. I managed to get him to use spaghetti squash instead of real pasta. We mixed it with sauteed veggies. Which made me anxious because he used tons of olive oil. But I ate some anyway. And he liked it, so yay!) and I found some there too...but it's the tofu kind, which is not 0 cal.
D is pretty incredible. Have I said that lately? I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the ED outright, so I gave him this blog address (I made him promise that he would never ever visit the blog again after the first time). Here's the text exchange about 20 minutes after that:
D: Did you really think that would be enough to drive me away? I love you [Salix], and that means I am here for you. Can I come back so we can talk?
D: I am actually still sort of outside. I read on blackberry in car. May I please come in??
me: not sure i want to talk to you
D: Why? Honey, this isn't nearly enough to drive me away. I am still here for you...if you will still have me.
me: anyway, you have class tomorrow. you need to go home and get some sleep.
D: I can spare a few minutes at least. We should talk about this.
me: there is nothing to talk about.
D: You know that's not true.
D: Please?? If not for you, then for me.
So I let him in and he cuddled me and talked to me for about 2 hours until I could look him in the face again. He says he loves me. He says we can make it through this. He says he will be there for me and help me in whatever way he can. He says I'm beautiful.
I don't know how much he really understands. He wants to look up scientific papers on EDs. I don't know how helpful that will be...he'd understand the clinical aspects, but probably not so much the emotional experience.
So far things are good. It has not become a big issue like I feared. In fact, it's been mostly a non-issue. He has not been prying into what I eat/do not eat. (I know he only read the latest posts...and we all know that those were binge-binge-binge, so I don't know if he realizes I starve as well. He's pretty perceptive, so maybe.) He says he won't push me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. He did make me promise to give up laxatives. Which I have. They are so damaging anyways.
I can't believe he's still with me. It's incredible.
Also, the past few days (actually, ever since I told D) have been great foodwise. Had to go out to eat with a friend who was in town but just got a salad, no dressing on Wednesday, then D made dinner last night. Other than that: gum, cough drops (FINALLY over that cold!), vitamins & calcium tablets, water, tea, and diet soda (needed the caffeine. I know I should give that up).
I am finally getting a little lower. Not as low as last semester yet, but I am on the right track!
I am so happy today. I want to feel like this forever. Let's all be happy together! Just for 10 minutes today, throw everything else out the window and be joyful about something. Sunshine, clouds, diet coke, gummy vitamins, a good grade, a good friend, anything!
:)
3/25/10
I have told D. Why wait, if I was going to anyway? To prolong the happiness would only mean more pain later. (This is how I am; once an idea enters my head and I commit to it, I have a hard time waiting to enact it.)
He is still with me. For now. He still loves me (he says). Miraculously.
I am both relieved and taken aback. He is handling my crazy remarkably well. It is odd.
Three exams next week, plus a visit from a friend. Probably won't be posting much.
Have a wonderful week, lovelies. Give someone a hug today.
He is still with me. For now. He still loves me (he says). Miraculously.
I am both relieved and taken aback. He is handling my crazy remarkably well. It is odd.
Three exams next week, plus a visit from a friend. Probably won't be posting much.
Have a wonderful week, lovelies. Give someone a hug today.
3/22/10
3/21/10
The scale is being forgiving today. Not nice, but forgiving. There is a difference.
D didn't make me eat last night (though he guilted me about it). He made me a cup of tea with just a little bit of honey. Acceptable.
Later, I cried and told him that I knew how we would end. Eventually I'm going to have to tell him everything. I don't know if I can. I'll probably show him this instead. I know I'll never be able to make the words come out of my mouth. I'll never be able to vocalize this of my own volition.
But I have to do it. I can't go away and not. I can't sustain a long-term relationship with him that's filled with this lie, the way I did with M. The way I do with my family. The way I do with everyone else around me. I respect him too much. I care for him too much. I'm so sick of lying to him.
I know that some of you have boys/husbands (congrats, Sairs!) who know about your food issues and who are still with you anyway...but I really don't think that will happen in this case. I can't ask him to handle that, especially on top of long-distance. I am not his responsibility, this is not something he should have to deal with.
I'm so torn. I don't want to tell him. Half of me is whispering "You don't have to tell him. You can go away and lose more and finally reach your GW and be happy and won't he be surprised when you finally get to see him again (assuming we can sustain long-distance). He will love you so much more when you are pretty. He doesn't need to know; you are leaving soon anyway, so he won't see any of your disorder. And after you hit GW, you can recover! And then you'll be normal when you see him. He'll never need to know anything."
And that's so tempting. But I know it's not realistic. It's been 8 years of disorder. How can I expect to fix myself in only one? I just don't think that will happen.
So I have to tell him.
I'm going to do it at the start of the summer. So that I have all summer to mend my shattered heart (that sounds so melodramatic). All summer to cry and cry and starve and gradually go on. Because I am strong and independent and I will be able to do that. My tattoo is proof of that.
Why is it that I feel it will be much harder to lose D than it was to lose M? M and I were together for 6 years. D and I will have been together for only just past 6 months.
I'm unhappy and tearing up thinking about it. I don't want D to leave me!
It is my own fault. I am driving him away. I wish I were normal. I wish I weren't so fucked up. I wish I didn't have to make this choice.
Just to clarify: I am not pro-ana. I am not pro-ED. This is the worst torture imaginable. It destroys you. It obsesses you, it makes you hate yourself, it sabotages you, it distracts you from what is really important, it prevents you from being happy, it kills you. If I could go back and change whatever it was that made me become like this (if I could change myself), I'd do it in a heartbeat.
D didn't make me eat last night (though he guilted me about it). He made me a cup of tea with just a little bit of honey. Acceptable.
Later, I cried and told him that I knew how we would end. Eventually I'm going to have to tell him everything. I don't know if I can. I'll probably show him this instead. I know I'll never be able to make the words come out of my mouth. I'll never be able to vocalize this of my own volition.
But I have to do it. I can't go away and not. I can't sustain a long-term relationship with him that's filled with this lie, the way I did with M. The way I do with my family. The way I do with everyone else around me. I respect him too much. I care for him too much. I'm so sick of lying to him.
I know that some of you have boys/husbands (congrats, Sairs!) who know about your food issues and who are still with you anyway...but I really don't think that will happen in this case. I can't ask him to handle that, especially on top of long-distance. I am not his responsibility, this is not something he should have to deal with.
I'm so torn. I don't want to tell him. Half of me is whispering "You don't have to tell him. You can go away and lose more and finally reach your GW and be happy and won't he be surprised when you finally get to see him again (assuming we can sustain long-distance). He will love you so much more when you are pretty. He doesn't need to know; you are leaving soon anyway, so he won't see any of your disorder. And after you hit GW, you can recover! And then you'll be normal when you see him. He'll never need to know anything."
And that's so tempting. But I know it's not realistic. It's been 8 years of disorder. How can I expect to fix myself in only one? I just don't think that will happen.
So I have to tell him.
I'm going to do it at the start of the summer. So that I have all summer to mend my shattered heart (that sounds so melodramatic). All summer to cry and cry and starve and gradually go on. Because I am strong and independent and I will be able to do that. My tattoo is proof of that.
Why is it that I feel it will be much harder to lose D than it was to lose M? M and I were together for 6 years. D and I will have been together for only just past 6 months.
I'm unhappy and tearing up thinking about it. I don't want D to leave me!
It is my own fault. I am driving him away. I wish I were normal. I wish I weren't so fucked up. I wish I didn't have to make this choice.
Just to clarify: I am not pro-ana. I am not pro-ED. This is the worst torture imaginable. It destroys you. It obsesses you, it makes you hate yourself, it sabotages you, it distracts you from what is really important, it prevents you from being happy, it kills you. If I could go back and change whatever it was that made me become like this (if I could change myself), I'd do it in a heartbeat.
3/20/10
Still sick. Still feeling pretty shit.
D's not helping.
"Let's get you some dinner."
"I'm not really hungry right now."
"What have you eaten today?"
"ummm...cough drops and tea?" (I am sick! Couldn't think of anything on the spot to say other than the truth. I feel so guilty lying to him anyway. ED is the only secret I keep, but it spawns so many lies.)
"You need to eat something to keep your strength up and get better! It doesn't have to be big. Look, have this apple at least. Please?"
"Really not hungry...I just want to sleep..."
He let it go then, but yesterday was interrogating me all day.
"Have you eaten yet?"
"Promise me you'll eat something."
"You need to have dinner."
I ate. I did promise. But still. I didn't have to eat. I felt horrible after. So sick.
Ate again today. Not even vegan. Frozen yogurt to soothe the red scratchiness of my throat. He's coming over tonight too. Will probably make me eat dinner.
I'm too fat to be force-fed!
I don't want to eat. I want to stop feeling sick. I want all my work to vanish. This semester was supposed to get easier after spring break. Everything is piling up again and I am overwhelmed. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up. In my dreams I am happy.
D's not helping.
"Let's get you some dinner."
"I'm not really hungry right now."
"What have you eaten today?"
"ummm...cough drops and tea?" (I am sick! Couldn't think of anything on the spot to say other than the truth. I feel so guilty lying to him anyway. ED is the only secret I keep, but it spawns so many lies.)
"You need to eat something to keep your strength up and get better! It doesn't have to be big. Look, have this apple at least. Please?"
"Really not hungry...I just want to sleep..."
He let it go then, but yesterday was interrogating me all day.
"Have you eaten yet?"
"Promise me you'll eat something."
"You need to have dinner."
I ate. I did promise. But still. I didn't have to eat. I felt horrible after. So sick.
Ate again today. Not even vegan. Frozen yogurt to soothe the red scratchiness of my throat. He's coming over tonight too. Will probably make me eat dinner.
I'm too fat to be force-fed!
I don't want to eat. I want to stop feeling sick. I want all my work to vanish. This semester was supposed to get easier after spring break. Everything is piling up again and I am overwhelmed. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up. In my dreams I am happy.
3/17/10
3/3/10
So right now? Yeah, I'm eating candy. And tonight I'm going to dinner with D and friends.
I don't want to eat! I'm not hungry. My stomach feels icky. I'm horribly fat. I don't want any food. But still I eat. I don't know why I can't stop myself.
Sorry I've been so depressing lately...I know it will pass eventually. I will get back in control. I just hope it's soon.
By the time I get back from England, maybe.
I don't want to eat! I'm not hungry. My stomach feels icky. I'm horribly fat. I don't want any food. But still I eat. I don't know why I can't stop myself.
Sorry I've been so depressing lately...I know it will pass eventually. I will get back in control. I just hope it's soon.
By the time I get back from England, maybe.
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