Today, I stood for 2 hours in a flood and directed traffic. What do we even pay the police for?
I am wet and soggy and all I have eaten today is a grapefruit which is good but I hate my body and I hate myself and I just want to eat and eat and eat so that I don't have to think anymore. Binge urges like mad. Hate hate hate. Food will not help; it never does, so why does my brain keep telling me it will? I have been eating and eating and eating the past few days and I am miserable. I am punishing myself, I think. I am in a bad place, lovelies. I cannot think, I cannot cope, I cannot summon any strength or willpower whatsoever. I am weak. I am out of control. My body is not within my power anymore. It does not do what I tell it. The arm reaches, the mouth opens. I can't stop. All I can do is hope it will pass soon.
I am trying so hard. And I am the only thing stopping myself from being happy. I have no excuses.
(edit)
AND I have just found out that D is not going to be able to drive with me to grad school. Which means I will be driving cross-country all by myself. FUCK.
I know how you feel. I've been stuck in a rut for the past two days also. I feel so unmotivated and under-productive! (I don't even know if that's a real word!!) Coffee doesn't even help to move my fat ass! This is surely insanity, but I'm sure it will pass for both of us.
ReplyDeleteUntil then, stay strong and beautiful,
B.
=( sorry to hear about D.
ReplyDeleteWhat I keep in mind during those HORRIBLE and ATROCIOUS binge urges (which I got today, coincidentally) is that I don't want to weigh more tomorrow, having all of that food in my digestive system holding me down. So I drink alot or have something high in fiber w/water to make me full. Or frozen fruit pops! Love those.
Hope that helps, and I hope your body-hate passes. Those phases usually do. For a little while, at least.
xo
Victoria
WTF were you doing in a flood?!? (besides directing traffic, of course!)
ReplyDeleteWe pay our police to chase weed addicts and not much else.
I'll cross-country drive with you! Just let me get up there first :p
xoxo