A response to Kazehana's comment on previous post (because it is going to end up being long).

See, the thing is that I am not the one complaining about the effort.  He is the one who says every time we talk about such things that he feels he is putting in SOOO much effort and he wonders if it is worth it.

And I can't really ask what effort exactly is he putting in because, well, rude.  And ungrateful and I don't wish to start a fight.  Just because I don't really see his effort sometimes doesn't mean he's not making any.

And he has been texting me more lately, that's true.

Except times like now, when I am cranky already because fucking people in my class group don't have basic reading and comprehension skills and I have been working all day on ONE shitty document, and I texted to see if D was busy and he responded that he was "hanging out w folk", which my stupid brain interprets as "hanging out with F" because usually he includes names and because I know that they have class together on Tuesdays and I know they usually grab a bite to eat after class and my brain persists in imagining that they have spent the whole day since then together (it's midnight-thirty his time now) and I know I am being insecure about that, but FUCK.  I think it's perfectly reasonable to be insecure about a girl your boyfriend might be attracted to, a girl about whom your boyfriend told you that he is considering his feelings and deciding whether there is tension there and has he been repressing an attraction for her.  Yes.  I am pretty damn sure that I am justified in being insecure over that girl.

Anyway.  When I am cranky and ungrateful, I do wonder what exactly is all this "effort" which is costing him so dearly.  Is it really that much effort to think about me and send a text saying so?  A "thinking of you  :)" text takes maybe 10 seconds.  Am I not important enough for that?  Is it so difficult to remember I exist?

Maybe for him it is.

Maybe all the time I spend thinking of him is not reciprocated at all.  I don't know; I'm not a mind-reader.

How do I know whether I'm doing my fair share?  How do I know where "half-way" is?  I don't really know what belongs to me and it's difficult for me to figure out what exactly I am responsible for, because I have always taken responsibility for everything in my life.  I have always blamed myself and not others, even for things over which I have no control.

(later)

D just called and we talked for a bit.  I didn't ask who "folk" was and he didn't volunteer it.  My brain is still pretty convinced it means F.  But I didn't want to bring her up.  Jealousy is not attractive on anyone.  And I was happy he called and I didn't want to spoil that by feeling bad over F.  He did tell me before that he is being cautious about hanging out with her when it's not with a group.  Which makes me feel slightly better.  (though I think it's mostly because he is unsure of his feelings toward her.  Which I feel like is my fault because he said I introduced that thought into his head.  Only, wait a minute, his feelings aren't my responsibility, right?  That was a shift of responsibility from him to me.  It's not my fault if he is attracted to F.  It isn't.  That's his responsibility and his only.)

Maybe when he talks about making an effort he is talking about dealing with me.  I mean, I have the food issues, the self-esteem issues...it's gotta be exhausting to deal with.  When I am upset he always takes the time to talk to me and cheer me up.  When we fight (which usually happens late at night my time, which is very late at night his time), he won't hang up until we talk it through.  That is effort.  Only...I've been doing a lot better with things like that lately.  We had that late-night talk the other day, true, but he started that one.  And I offered several times that we could continue in the morning so he could go to bed.  And I have not really had any sort of depressive freak-outs or anything that I needed "talking out of" lately.  I have had two 10-minute "vents", but I don't really need to be talked down from those.  I just need to share my frustration with someone else and then I forget about it.

He's said before that sometimes our relationship wears him down...I guess during fights and emotional talks because he is not great at emotions.  He says he is wary of saying things sometimes because he doesn't want to deal with me getting upset.  I feel like he pictures me as a faulty bomb that might explode any minute.  Which is unfortunate.  I can empathize with not wanting to say things that upset your significant other; I mean, after all, there is a reason that I try not to make sexual jokes etc. when he's around...because he gets uncomfortable...

But can I just note that I am WORKING ON THAT?  I know sometimes I overreact to things, especially when I perceive rejection.  But I am working on curbing that overreaction.  And I think I am actually making good, noticeable progress.  I mean, consider how calm I was during the other day's conversation.  I think I would have been totally justified to freak out over that conversation.  Really I do, for all the reasons above that deal with F.  BUT, I DIDN'T.  I did get teary.  I'm not sure I will ever be able to control the tear-response (much as I might wish I could.  Still working on that one).  The point is, though, that I remained calm and rational.  While we were talking about D potentially feeling some degree of attraction for another woman. Seriously, guys.  That is a GIGANTIC amount of progress right there.

Most of the time, I am not cranky and ungrateful, and I simply assume the benefit of the doubt: that he is putting in effort in ways that just aren't obvious to me.

I mean, if I were the only one putting in any effort, we would have failed a long time ago, right?  I am the longest of all of D's relationships, after all.

And if I am able to give more, if I have greater capacity for giving than he does, why shouldn't I do so?

On to simpler things: food.  Day #3 of no binging.  3 meals plus a mini-snack at today's seminar plus a cookie (I baked cookies to send to D's house.  Not just for him, for everyone there.  So that does not count as an example of unreciprocated effort).  Approximate total for the day: 600-700 calories.  I did not count.  I can't even try to get a real estimate, because I have NO IDEA how many calories are in sprouts (probably not that many) and I am actively avoiding looking that up.  I don't want to find out, because then the temptation to back-calculate today's intake might become too great.

Therapy tomorrow.  Haven't decided whether to tell her about the D possibly having attraction towards F situation yet.  We'll see how it goes...