Today I am struggling.

I can feel compulsion just gnawing at my brain.

It started when I got my stats exam back and did worse than expected (there's no excuse for not getting 100% on a take-home, open book, open notes test).

It escalated times a million when I got to the office to find 2 half-eaten boxes of doughnuts in the "for everyone" food/coffee pile.  I don't even LIKE doughnuts!  They are too sweet and I always start feeling sick after the second bite.  But they are THERE.  And they are carb-y and sugary and high-calorie and a bad-for-me food that my mother would have a fit about.  (And seriously, who the fuck put those there??  GAH.)

I've been trying since 10:30 this morning to talk myself down, to persuade my brain not to binge.  Which actually is pretty impressive--I've fought the compulsion for 2 hours now.  WITH THE DOUGHNUTS RIGHT FUCKING THERE.

I'm going to take this as a sign of progress--I have noticed lately that I'm able to hold out against the compulsion a bit longer (though I've never yet actually beaten it.  Maybe today can be the first time?)

Therapist always asks what I am thinking just before and during a binge.  I'm trying to take advantage of the situation by monitoring my thoughts, but honestly I don't think there are that many.  It's just this raw compulsion, this neediness.  The only thoughts/motivations I can identify are a) not wanting to think and b) not wanting to feel.  Which of course are ones that I have already figured out.  Binges are oblivion for me.  I don't know why brain thinks oblivion will help...no, that's not entirely true.  I can guess the process here: thinking bad thoughts and/or feeling bad feelings --> wanting to escape said thoughts/feelings --> binging.  Even though the oblivion is only temporary, for the duration of the binge (and sometimes just prior...how many times have I wandered the supermarket in a haze?), brain still prefers some reprieve to no reprieve.  And brain likes instant gratification.  It is obviously not taking into consideration the fact that I will feel even worse after the binge.  Or possibly it is.  Maybe brain wants to escape bad thoughts/feelings and to punish me for having bad thoughts/feelings.  I am not clear on that point; I cannot tell whether it rings true or not.

Tl;dr: BRAIN IS STUPID.

Now, I am going to go eat a single-packet serving of oatmeal, drink another cup of coffee, and list all the reasons why I should not binge today.