GOD! WHY can't things just fucking work out for me for once???
FUCKFUCKFUCK!
7/14/09
Disjointed FML
I hate hate hate house hunting. At least I'm not the one who has to go view them all. And why won't you answer my calls? I need to talk to you, dammit!
Add to that: trip has gone kaflooey, they delayed for a day, so I don't actually get to DO anything productive until tomorrow. Which means I'll probably be staying for an extra day.
Add to that: who the hell invented bread with 110 cals per slice? What kind of sadist would do such a thing?
But strangely enough, I'm not feeling awful today. So far nothing but coffee, so I'm wonderfully empty and caffeinated.
Hotel cleaning lady is here now and, while I'm reasonably sure that her English is not fluent enough to read/comprehend any of this, I'm sufficiently paranoid to stop anyway.
Add to that: trip has gone kaflooey, they delayed for a day, so I don't actually get to DO anything productive until tomorrow. Which means I'll probably be staying for an extra day.
Add to that: who the hell invented bread with 110 cals per slice? What kind of sadist would do such a thing?
But strangely enough, I'm not feeling awful today. So far nothing but coffee, so I'm wonderfully empty and caffeinated.
Hotel cleaning lady is here now and, while I'm reasonably sure that her English is not fluent enough to read/comprehend any of this, I'm sufficiently paranoid to stop anyway.
7/10/09
Lazy
I seriously need to start exercising more. Restricting is all fine and good, but I cannot just sit on my ass all day and expect to meet my goals!
Another business trip next week. I'm dreading it. Hopefully this time I will be able to control myself--and come up with better excuses.
Over my planned intake today, but nothing horrible. Now to face the weekend...
Another business trip next week. I'm dreading it. Hopefully this time I will be able to control myself--and come up with better excuses.
Over my planned intake today, but nothing horrible. Now to face the weekend...
7/9/09
The Internet
Ugh. People are assholes.
So I obsessed for a day about that cute boy I met, and finally said to myself, "Salix, you missed your chance. Give it up. I know he's the first guy who's shown any sort of interest in a while, but seriously. You will never see him again."
(Background: I just got out of a long-ass relationship that was so shit at the end that I didn't even care anymore. He was completely selfish and self-absorbed and couldn't give a flying fuck about our relationship or my feelings. And when I say long, I'm talking like 5 years. Which, at my age, is fucking forever. I've never been very confident around guys; I don't know how to flirt at all. My ex used to tell me that the reason guys didn't flirt with me is that they knew we were together. He said that guys have something like single-radar--they can tell by the vibes a girl gives off whether she is taken or not. He's full of shit...the reason guys aren't interested in me is because I'm a fucking lard-ass, but whatever. Suffice to say, I'm not used to male attention at all.)
I don't believe in fate or destiny or sentimental bullshit like that. But on a whim, I posted a Craigslist ad in missed connections for that boy. Got 3 responses and promptly took the damn thing down.
Response 1: hi....
Response 2 (from a female): just saw your ad. how are you doing?
Response 3: sweetie, I was just being nice u are kinda cute but im not interested. wow u sound like a stalker
I know it's pretty unlikely that Response 3 was actually the guy. In fact, the email address was the wrong name. And, using my "stalker" internet skills, I googled the email name, and the guy who uses that tag is 34. Definitely not my guy. Not that that proves anything. Could be a nickname and tags are anonymous (unless you actually are a hacker. Which clearly, I am not.)
Still rattled me though. I had a shitty day today, I'm exhausted, I'm on my period. I have low self-esteem to begin with. I don't fucking need to deal with assholes on top of all that. The worst thing is that it's all my fault. I should've known better.
I feel fat and unattractive and unloved and loser-ish.
I'm not a fucking stalker!
I hate people.
So I obsessed for a day about that cute boy I met, and finally said to myself, "Salix, you missed your chance. Give it up. I know he's the first guy who's shown any sort of interest in a while, but seriously. You will never see him again."
(Background: I just got out of a long-ass relationship that was so shit at the end that I didn't even care anymore. He was completely selfish and self-absorbed and couldn't give a flying fuck about our relationship or my feelings. And when I say long, I'm talking like 5 years. Which, at my age, is fucking forever. I've never been very confident around guys; I don't know how to flirt at all. My ex used to tell me that the reason guys didn't flirt with me is that they knew we were together. He said that guys have something like single-radar--they can tell by the vibes a girl gives off whether she is taken or not. He's full of shit...the reason guys aren't interested in me is because I'm a fucking lard-ass, but whatever. Suffice to say, I'm not used to male attention at all.)
I don't believe in fate or destiny or sentimental bullshit like that. But on a whim, I posted a Craigslist ad in missed connections for that boy. Got 3 responses and promptly took the damn thing down.
Response 1: hi....
Response 2 (from a female): just saw your ad. how are you doing?
Response 3: sweetie, I was just being nice u are kinda cute but im not interested. wow u sound like a stalker
I know it's pretty unlikely that Response 3 was actually the guy. In fact, the email address was the wrong name. And, using my "stalker" internet skills, I googled the email name, and the guy who uses that tag is 34. Definitely not my guy. Not that that proves anything. Could be a nickname and tags are anonymous (unless you actually are a hacker. Which clearly, I am not.)
Still rattled me though. I had a shitty day today, I'm exhausted, I'm on my period. I have low self-esteem to begin with. I don't fucking need to deal with assholes on top of all that. The worst thing is that it's all my fault. I should've known better.
I feel fat and unattractive and unloved and loser-ish.
I'm not a fucking stalker!
I hate people.
7/8/09
Feeling like Flying
A good day, finally. It's so encouraging to be empty again! I think I'm a little less bloated as well. The only marring factor is that I'm too tired to enjoy it. Too much coffee and too little sleep lately.
I love going to bed empty. More than that, I love waking up empty. It's just so clean.
In other news, I've decided to stop posting my exact weights. I obsess over the scale too much already.
One of these days I will get less boring and talk about something other than weight and food. I haven't had much time lately. Then again, maybe I'm just a boring person. Whichever.
Here's hoping that I can keep this feeling longer this time.
I love going to bed empty. More than that, I love waking up empty. It's just so clean.
In other news, I've decided to stop posting my exact weights. I obsess over the scale too much already.
One of these days I will get less boring and talk about something other than weight and food. I haven't had much time lately. Then again, maybe I'm just a boring person. Whichever.
Here's hoping that I can keep this feeling longer this time.
Auntie Flo
Thank god my period is here. Now I can stop binge-munching like a piggy. Honestly, it's so much harder to restrict when I'm PMS-ing.
In other news, I met a cute boy last night. And, thanks to my own stupidity (and lack of flirting ability) will never see him again. Sucks to be me.
In other news, I met a cute boy last night. And, thanks to my own stupidity (and lack of flirting ability) will never see him again. Sucks to be me.
7/2/09
Denial
I am always such a disappointment to myself. Always a failure.
I hate eating. I'm ok when I don't eat, but as soon as I have a bite of food, I lose control.
I think part of the problem is that I don't WANT to be fucked up. I don't WANT to be sick or disordered. I want to be able to eat like everyone else does and to be able to enjoy eating and not worry constantly over my freakishly horrendous body. But obviously I can't do that. I either starve or binge. There's no happy medium. I don't purge; I've never been able to make myself puke, though I've tried it, and I've used laxies a few times, but I'm scared of developing a dependence, so I don't do that anymore either. Plus, now that I have to share a bathroom again, I'm paranoid about anyone finding out. I know laxatives don't actually help much anyway--I used them not to negate the binge, but to get the empty stomach feeling back.
I don't understand how people can just EAT without obsessing over each bite. I mean, I understand the mindless eating when in binge mode--boy, do I ever understand that--but how do people eat 3 normal meals a day without thinking about anything more than what they're in the mood for?
It's a foreign concept.
I hate eating. I'm ok when I don't eat, but as soon as I have a bite of food, I lose control.
I think part of the problem is that I don't WANT to be fucked up. I don't WANT to be sick or disordered. I want to be able to eat like everyone else does and to be able to enjoy eating and not worry constantly over my freakishly horrendous body. But obviously I can't do that. I either starve or binge. There's no happy medium. I don't purge; I've never been able to make myself puke, though I've tried it, and I've used laxies a few times, but I'm scared of developing a dependence, so I don't do that anymore either. Plus, now that I have to share a bathroom again, I'm paranoid about anyone finding out. I know laxatives don't actually help much anyway--I used them not to negate the binge, but to get the empty stomach feeling back.
I don't understand how people can just EAT without obsessing over each bite. I mean, I understand the mindless eating when in binge mode--boy, do I ever understand that--but how do people eat 3 normal meals a day without thinking about anything more than what they're in the mood for?
It's a foreign concept.
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