Rarglebarglebargle.

Stupid upstairs neighbors who fight at 3 AM.  Stupid plateau.  Stupid boys.

I am confused confused confused about D right now.  Details later (maybe) when I don't have class.

...and now for a crazy diet ice cream soda party!  *throws streamers* 

:)

In response to Tom Bailey's comment:
Really?  I do not harbor any illusion of being interesting.  Except to myself, of course, as I am the one involved in all my life's drama.

Also, the concept of achieving my goals...that's bloody difficult when you don't know exactly what your goals are!  I have no idea of what I want in life, in myself.  I mean, obviously I'm on some sort of track: finishing college, grad school, research.  But that all seems so abstract and out-of-reach right now.  I do have GWs, etc.  But they are only numbers.  I think that my ultimate goal is to have some sort of control.  And it seems like the only part of my life right now that I can control is what goes into my mouth (though even that is uncontrollable at times!).

I am aware that explanation is horribly stereotypical and cliche.  It is the best I can do right now.  In actuality, I don't know why I am this way.  I've been handling it for nigh on seven years now.  It is a part of me.  I wish desperately that it wasn't; that I could be normal for once in my life.  But I do not think I can.  I am not strong enough to survive adrift, without my rock of an ED to cling to.

Today, I overslept.

And instead of getting dressed and rushing to do lab prep before I have to leave, I'm going to spend my 8 remaining minutes reading your blog updates.

Further proof that you are incredibly special, my lovelies!

<3

a comment

(a comment for the lovely Peri, placed here because I cannot place it on her blog)

Waaah Peri, your first paragraph has completely made my day!

I intensely dislike eating in front of others (I feel so self-conscious it's almost paralyzing) hence the incredible pizza restraint.  Believe me, if it had been just me and the pizza, one of us would very quickly have been devoured.  And as pizza does not have teeth...well, you see where I am going with this!

Our scales should meet--they seem to be soul-mates, of sorts.

I loveyouloveyoulove you!

(P.S. Boy is a total ass, and you are a complete saint for putting up with him.)

wtf, body.  w.t.f.

i sleep in this morning (glorious).  upon waking, i go through my normal routine.  bathroom.  scale.  scale says impossible number.  step off.  try again.  same number.  (.5 lbs away from GW2!)  i decide scale is fucking with me.  i go shower.

i go to volunteer event.  get away with just coffee for breakfast.  they feed us pizza for lunch.  i am standing away from the line, trying to look inconspicuous.  M thinks i am waiting to get in line...gestures for me to cut in front of him to get a piece.  there is only one piece left in that box, so i don't even get to choose for size (luckily, it is a fairly small piece).  i eat it.  i feel intensely awful all the while.  i wish i could make myself sick, but i have never been able to.  (i probably would have tried when i got home, but roommate was there.  and sound carries in our house.)

i get home.  pull out scale.  scale says GW2.  what. the. fuck.

scale is definitely fucking with me.  body is fucking with me.  it knows i will have to eat tonight.  it knows i have no choice.  tomorrow i will wake up and be a million lbs heavier, i am sure of it.

i am downing diet soda for caffeine content and fiber packets like there's no tomorrow.  my tummy is unhappy because of the pizza.  ugh.

Much has happened.  Someone I know admitted to having a crush on me (apparently for a while...like even when I was still with ex)--we'll call him D for simplicity.

Ohgod.  It's so difficult being single!  I don't know what to do about this.  Do I like him?  I have no idea.

He's invited me to dinner and a movie with a group of friends tomorrow.  I am sort of panicking.  Maybe I can find a menu online??

I am reading all your blogs and I love you all!  I just still have not figured out the commenting thing yet.  Every time I try, Blogger eats my words.

Bloody Willow

Oh.  Hello, period.  I guess that's why I've been so bingey lately.  Good to know.  Now I can get back on track.

So.  Story time.

I am constantly, consistantly, painfully awkward.  I blurt out whatever junk is in my head and land myself in all sorts of cringe-worthy situations.

Back up a bit.  I have talked about Cute Boy from high school...let's call him N from now on.  He has nothing to do with this story.

This story, in fact, has to do with another Cute Boy (not even just cute--this guy is breathtakingly HOT) who is unfortunate enough to have to work with me on club stuff.  We'll call him M.  (NOT to be confused with the ex, whose name also starts with M, but who is basically polar opposite from Cute Boy M)

I have an insanely huge crush on this guy.  He is incredibly smart, fairly ambitious, deliciously sarcastic.  And gorgeous, of course.

Every time we interact, I end up embarrassing myself.  Every single fucking time.  I am totally and completely incapable of being cool and smooth...I get red and start babbling about nonsensical and irrelevant shit.  He humors me.  I can never tell what he's thinking, but I'm fairly certain it's something along the lines of, "Holy fuck, why is she still talking?  Can I leave now?"

Anyway.  Back to the story.

Today, in my last class of the day, my Auntie Flo decided it was time to visit.  I, of course, was completely unprepared.  Ok, says I, no problem...I'll just run to the drugstore.  I'd left my bag with my wallet in it in the locked office and when I go to retrieve it, I notice that one of the advisors is still there (this woman loves to mother us all and is so amazingly sweet that it's almost scary).  Score!  I won't have to go to the store, I'll just ask her for some supplies to get me through the rest of the evening until I can go home!

Meanwhile, I've texted M: hey, are u going to be around <office> anytime soon?  i have some club stuff to give u.
M: yeah, i am upstairs now
me: cool.  meet me downstairs in 15?
M: k

Me (to advisor):  Hey, ...so I have a really embarrassing personal situation...um...
Advisor:  Do you need a Tampax?  (hallelujah, she reads minds!)
Me:  YES.  Do you happen to have any?
Advisor:  I think so...let me just check...
Me:  Oh thank goodness!  My period just started in that last class, and it's a little early, so I totally wasn't prepared, and I didn't realize, which is annoying, because that's a pair of panties ruined--
M:  *ahem* Hey...
Me: ...
My brain:  OH FUCK.  WHAT DID I JUST SAY?  WHAT DID HE JUST HEAR?
Me:  OhmygodI'msoembarrassed!  M, go AWAY!
Advisor:  Why?  Is he with you?
Me:  Um, yes, we were meeting for something--
Advisor:  Ohhh, is he your boyfriend?
Me:  NO!
*turning to M* Please, just give me 2 minutes.

Of course then, after I got the tampon from Advisor, I had to WALK PAST M TO GET TO THE BATHROOM.  He pretended not to notice anything.

I managed to give him theclub stuff and get through about 5 minutes of (awkward on my part) conversation.  Oh dear god.  It was excruciating.  I can't believe he heard me talk about my bloody panties.  Ew.

(Salix would like to note that it had definitively NOT been 15 mins when M came down...maybe 7 minutes MAX.  So.  Situation not entirely my fault.)