Weight is down to where it was in May, after the stress of finals and ex-bf issues, and fasting for a week and a half. This is nice.
My coworkers are throwing a party tonight. I can't decide whether to go or not...on the one hand, I will be perceived as antisocial if I don't go, but on the other hand, I'm sure my lack of eating will be noticed if I go and don't eat, but on the mutant third hand, if I go and eat--even just a little bit--I don't know if I'll be able to stop. This week has been total hell, and I feel like binge mode will kick in if I allow myself even a little lee-way. Why would I want to put myself through that temptation?
So I don't think I will go. It's shit outside anyway, and I am nice and cozy in here. Maybe I will watch a movie tonight, curled up in my fuzzy blanket.
The ex-bf has a new girlfriend. I was in a fucked-up head space about that last night when I found out, but now...I'm kinda numb.
I know I shouldn't care about it. It's not like we were ever going to get back together. But still. It's only been 2 months. How did he get over a 6 year relationship in 2 months? That definitely hurts my feelings.
Plus, the new girl (who actually happens to be one of my friends) is so skinny. She eats all the time, doesn't purge or use diet pills, and barely exercises, but she's bony as hell.
Actually, every girl that he's ever gone out with has been skinny except for me. You can guess how that makes me feel.
I am such a fatty. I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm thinking about all the food I could shovel down my throat. I don't want to binge. I've done so well this week! I just want to fill the space inside of me.
7/31/09
7/29/09
Whew!
Made it through yesterday, working on today. Not feeling so strong. I need to strengthen my resolve, but I'm not sure how to do that right now. I'm just so tired.
7/27/09
Blah
Feelin' tired. This is Day 3...usually the binge urge is strongest on Days 3 & 4 of restriction. Tomorrow is going to be rough, I can tell.
Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Keep your fingers crossed for me!
7/26/09
Another Day, Another Plan
Day 2 of a 7-day cleanse. I've got 3 weeks before I have to see the ex again; need to get with the program. The name of the game is lose lose lose. As much as quickly as possible.
Fasting isn't an option. People at work and housemates will notice. Plus, extended fasts always trigger my urge to binge. So restriction and exercise it is. And lots of water/diet tea.
This week: 7-day cleanse.
Week 2: Metabolife phase 1
Week 3: Metabolife phase 2
I've never really used diet pills before...we'll see how it works. Honestly, I'm not expecting much. I'm just hoping that the caffeine in them will help keep my metabolism active.
I'm so messed up in the head over the ex. I think he's flirting/crushing on another girl and it's throwing me for a loop. I mean, I know it's none of my business, whatever. This fucker screwed me over! I want him to hurt. I want him to want me and know that he blew it. Does that make me a bad person?
The first time we broke up was because he wanted another girl too. It annoys me, the similarities between the two girls--both are stick thin. Completely my opposite.
I don't want to get back together with him. I don't think. Hell, maybe I do. I don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to him...he is familiar territory. Maybe it's my low self-esteem, telling me that I could never get another guy, so I should stick with the one I got. Only...I don't have him anymore, do I? I fucked it up. Just like I fuck up everything.
I don't know anymore.
But I'm going to have to see him in 3 weeks, and I want to be skinny, I want to be pretty, I want to be confident. I want to exude sexiness and I want him to want me back. I want him to want me and know that he can't have me.
Realistically, I can't get skinny in 3 weeks...I have way too much extra poundage to make that goal. But I CAN be thinner. I WILL be thinner.
Fasting isn't an option. People at work and housemates will notice. Plus, extended fasts always trigger my urge to binge. So restriction and exercise it is. And lots of water/diet tea.
This week: 7-day cleanse.
Week 2: Metabolife phase 1
Week 3: Metabolife phase 2
I've never really used diet pills before...we'll see how it works. Honestly, I'm not expecting much. I'm just hoping that the caffeine in them will help keep my metabolism active.
I'm so messed up in the head over the ex. I think he's flirting/crushing on another girl and it's throwing me for a loop. I mean, I know it's none of my business, whatever. This fucker screwed me over! I want him to hurt. I want him to want me and know that he blew it. Does that make me a bad person?
The first time we broke up was because he wanted another girl too. It annoys me, the similarities between the two girls--both are stick thin. Completely my opposite.
I don't want to get back together with him. I don't think. Hell, maybe I do. I don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm so used to him...he is familiar territory. Maybe it's my low self-esteem, telling me that I could never get another guy, so I should stick with the one I got. Only...I don't have him anymore, do I? I fucked it up. Just like I fuck up everything.
I don't know anymore.
But I'm going to have to see him in 3 weeks, and I want to be skinny, I want to be pretty, I want to be confident. I want to exude sexiness and I want him to want me back. I want him to want me and know that he can't have me.
Realistically, I can't get skinny in 3 weeks...I have way too much extra poundage to make that goal. But I CAN be thinner. I WILL be thinner.
7/20/09
True Facts
One of psychology's historical "motivators" for eds is the desire to disappear.
Not me. Why not? Because I'm already fucking invisible!
I'm the amazing invisible fatty. I walk into a room and no one even looks up. I sit with a group for 20 minutes and not a single person acknowledges my presence.
If I were thin, people would notice.
Another of the "motivators" for eds is the desire to garner attention (as contrary as that might seem).
I won't lie; I'd like to at least be able to get a "hello" when I sit down. But I definitely don't want anyone to notice/care what I eat and how much I eat.
I don't want to disappear. I don't want attention for a fucking disorder. I just want to like myself and my body for once in my life!
And that will never happen if I don't stop whining and start restricting and exercising.
Fuck, I can't believe it's almost the end of July.
Not me. Why not? Because I'm already fucking invisible!
I'm the amazing invisible fatty. I walk into a room and no one even looks up. I sit with a group for 20 minutes and not a single person acknowledges my presence.
If I were thin, people would notice.
Another of the "motivators" for eds is the desire to garner attention (as contrary as that might seem).
I won't lie; I'd like to at least be able to get a "hello" when I sit down. But I definitely don't want anyone to notice/care what I eat and how much I eat.
I don't want to disappear. I don't want attention for a fucking disorder. I just want to like myself and my body for once in my life!
And that will never happen if I don't stop whining and start restricting and exercising.
Fuck, I can't believe it's almost the end of July.
7/17/09
Exhaustion
Finally back home. Thank god.
I think I'm getting better at lying. I managed to make it the entire trip without completely wrecking my plan. In fact, today and yesterday were actually really good days.
Of course, I get home and I'm so tired and so just frustrated at the whole fiasco of a trip, that the first thing I think of is food. Haven't had anything yet except for a whole lot of diet Snapple, and I can feel that if I do let myself have something that I will go out of control. So I'm taking a shower, taking a deep breath, drinking even more tea, and then going to bed. Hopefully.
I think I'm getting better at lying. I managed to make it the entire trip without completely wrecking my plan. In fact, today and yesterday were actually really good days.
Of course, I get home and I'm so tired and so just frustrated at the whole fiasco of a trip, that the first thing I think of is food. Haven't had anything yet except for a whole lot of diet Snapple, and I can feel that if I do let myself have something that I will go out of control. So I'm taking a shower, taking a deep breath, drinking even more tea, and then going to bed. Hopefully.
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