Ok.  So.  I owe you all some details about D.

The dinner and movie were okay--of course I ate too much and of course that part was awful...everything was covered in butter.  Luckily, I'm vegan (mostly), so I got away with just some veggies and a bit of rice. 

That was Saturday.

Sunday, I had a mini-breakdown of sorts.  And after I'd calmed down a bit, I got on fb and D was on and messaged me, asking how my day was.  And the thing about D is that I promised myself and him that I would be completely honest at all times.  (I tend to fake a lot and just act how everyone expects me to act--it's so much easier.)  D's thing is that he will not push me to say anything if I'm not comfortable--if he asks a question that I don't want to answer, ok, that's fine.  But if I do answer, it has to be the truth.  (I am enforcing this myself.  I promised myself, and I do my best not to break promises.)

Anyway.  He asked how my day was, and I completely just dumped everything I was feeling on him.  I was so overwhelmed...  I apologized immediately, of course, and signed off in embarrassment, sure that he would never want to associate with me again--now that I had revealed how completely messed up and crazy I am.

A few minutes later, he texts me, wanting to come over.  I say ok.  He comes over, and we end up talking until 5:30 the next morning.  And cuddling a bit.  Which was incredibly nice.  :)

I told him things that I had never ever told anyone before.  I told him my deepest darkest secrets (except the food issues.  He does not know about that.  And I hope to hell that he never asks directly, because I don't want him to know any of that).  He is so easy to talk to...

The thing is, I don't know if I can handle a relationship right now.  Neither of us are really the "friends with benefits" types, so if I decide to date him, it will probably be something more than casual.  I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  And whatever I do, it can't last--because I will be leaving for grad school soon.  I've been clear about my doubts and uncertainties.  He is not pushing it.

Since that long talk, we've gotten dinner together once (a very casual thing, though.  Not a date), and he walked me home later and stayed until 12:30, watching YouTube videos (and cuddling a little).

Morning after that, I was slightly freaking out--I am not the sort of person who just cuddles with people!  I felt really weird about it...like we had intimate moments without actually being anything at all?  Does that make any sense?  Maybe I just wanted some clarification/validation.  I texted him and told him that I was really confused and kind of uncomfortable with him and me and us (if there even is an "us") and wanted to talk to him about it.  We are meeting Sunday to talk. 

I need to decide by then what I want to do. 

I really really like D.

I am so scared.

Here is another fucked-up thing: one thought I had was that if I date D that will involve lunches, dinners, stuff like that.  The vegan thing will help a bit...but ohmygod I wish I could make myself purge.  I hate that I have even considered that aspect of dating him!  Why can't I be normal???

Rarglebarglebargle.

Stupid upstairs neighbors who fight at 3 AM.  Stupid plateau.  Stupid boys.

I am confused confused confused about D right now.  Details later (maybe) when I don't have class.

...and now for a crazy diet ice cream soda party!  *throws streamers* 

:)

In response to Tom Bailey's comment:
Really?  I do not harbor any illusion of being interesting.  Except to myself, of course, as I am the one involved in all my life's drama.

Also, the concept of achieving my goals...that's bloody difficult when you don't know exactly what your goals are!  I have no idea of what I want in life, in myself.  I mean, obviously I'm on some sort of track: finishing college, grad school, research.  But that all seems so abstract and out-of-reach right now.  I do have GWs, etc.  But they are only numbers.  I think that my ultimate goal is to have some sort of control.  And it seems like the only part of my life right now that I can control is what goes into my mouth (though even that is uncontrollable at times!).

I am aware that explanation is horribly stereotypical and cliche.  It is the best I can do right now.  In actuality, I don't know why I am this way.  I've been handling it for nigh on seven years now.  It is a part of me.  I wish desperately that it wasn't; that I could be normal for once in my life.  But I do not think I can.  I am not strong enough to survive adrift, without my rock of an ED to cling to.

Today, I overslept.

And instead of getting dressed and rushing to do lab prep before I have to leave, I'm going to spend my 8 remaining minutes reading your blog updates.

Further proof that you are incredibly special, my lovelies!

<3

a comment

(a comment for the lovely Peri, placed here because I cannot place it on her blog)

Waaah Peri, your first paragraph has completely made my day!

I intensely dislike eating in front of others (I feel so self-conscious it's almost paralyzing) hence the incredible pizza restraint.  Believe me, if it had been just me and the pizza, one of us would very quickly have been devoured.  And as pizza does not have teeth...well, you see where I am going with this!

Our scales should meet--they seem to be soul-mates, of sorts.

I loveyouloveyoulove you!

(P.S. Boy is a total ass, and you are a complete saint for putting up with him.)

wtf, body.  w.t.f.

i sleep in this morning (glorious).  upon waking, i go through my normal routine.  bathroom.  scale.  scale says impossible number.  step off.  try again.  same number.  (.5 lbs away from GW2!)  i decide scale is fucking with me.  i go shower.

i go to volunteer event.  get away with just coffee for breakfast.  they feed us pizza for lunch.  i am standing away from the line, trying to look inconspicuous.  M thinks i am waiting to get in line...gestures for me to cut in front of him to get a piece.  there is only one piece left in that box, so i don't even get to choose for size (luckily, it is a fairly small piece).  i eat it.  i feel intensely awful all the while.  i wish i could make myself sick, but i have never been able to.  (i probably would have tried when i got home, but roommate was there.  and sound carries in our house.)

i get home.  pull out scale.  scale says GW2.  what. the. fuck.

scale is definitely fucking with me.  body is fucking with me.  it knows i will have to eat tonight.  it knows i have no choice.  tomorrow i will wake up and be a million lbs heavier, i am sure of it.

i am downing diet soda for caffeine content and fiber packets like there's no tomorrow.  my tummy is unhappy because of the pizza.  ugh.

Much has happened.  Someone I know admitted to having a crush on me (apparently for a while...like even when I was still with ex)--we'll call him D for simplicity.

Ohgod.  It's so difficult being single!  I don't know what to do about this.  Do I like him?  I have no idea.

He's invited me to dinner and a movie with a group of friends tomorrow.  I am sort of panicking.  Maybe I can find a menu online??

I am reading all your blogs and I love you all!  I just still have not figured out the commenting thing yet.  Every time I try, Blogger eats my words.