D's home and I am so happy.

Home!  Home home home.  <3

And D gets back late tonight or early tomorrow!  I can't wait to see him again.

This weekend wasn't that great food-wise but I was strong yesterday, so today I've woken up wonderfully empty.  It's a late lab day, so I'm going for a long walk to the library and post office then some tae bo (my roommate sent me the link to a video, so I'm gonna give it a try).

I feel so good today!  Body, remember this.  This is what I want every day.

Hope all you lovelies have wonderful days--you deserve them.  Treat yourself to something...a bubble bath, a new pair of shoes, an extra 15 minutes in bed.  :)

I am visiting Canada.  It is beautiful.  Sunny and 20 degrees C.  I go to the library and read myself into oblivion.

Come out in a daze.  Not sure if I am real.  Not sure if the world around me is real.  Not sure exactly where I am.  Stab of panic.  I fight.  What's the point of anti-anxiety treatment where panic attacks are side effects?

Miss the last step of the entrance stairs, jolting my body into at least a little more reason.  Saint-Saens on the ipod (5 reasons to fear apple.  5 reasons to fear google.  cracked.  be paranoid).  Better, a little.  Still not sure where I am.  A street saxophonist plays random notes.  His tone is brassy and flat.  My brain and body are in a state of disconnect.  I feel nothing.

I wander.  Pita Pit.  Subway.  Quiznos.  Starbucks.  Am I in Canada or America?  We are infiltrating.  We are condemning the masses.

Chicago.  Skip.  I love the song, but sometimes it still pangs.  Not in the mood for memories.  Bacchanale.  Better.

I pass street signs that tell me I am here.  Validation.  I exist.  If I walk far enough, I will be at the gardens.  I was there earlier today, watching the ducks skim smooth ripples into the largest pond.

I turn the corner at the entrance gate.  As long as I head downhill I am ok.  I want to go and sit by the water again, until I can feel.  But it's evening and I am not sure how far I am from my couch.  No one has expressed concern over my wandering alone, but I don't wish to test the safety of the city alone at night.  The dark hides people, lets them be something they really are.  Animal instincts are stronger under the moon.

There is a hubcap hung on a high tree branch.  I look away and look back to make sure I am not hallucinating.  It is still there.  I wish I had a camera so I could document this moment.  Show it to you to prove I am not insane.  Though I suppose that is not much proof.  My condemning evidence piles up daily like stacks of newspapers at a dead man's house.

Ghost Love Song.  There is a little girl pushing a stroller with her mom.  She's dressed nicely except for her shoes.  They are ruby red slippers, a la Oz.  Scuff marks obliterate the original shine.  There is a hole in one toe, and I smile imagining the fights she and her mom must have over whether they can be thrown out yet or not.  I bet she refuses to wear any other pair of shoes.

A blue Pontiac Sunfire passes.  It looks like the one parked outside the place I'm staying.  An encouraging sign.  They are all over the place here.  Everyone drives a Pontiac.  I hate Sunfires.  The ex has a green one that I spent too much time in.  I have ridden and driven in it to an anticlimactic ending.

Another street sign.  I know where this road is.  All I have to do is follow it.  I do.  I hold the gate for two tall boys who do not thank me.

The blue Sunfire is in the parking lot.

I know it hasn't been all that long, but I feel it's been ages since I last posted.  Every time I sit down to write the words don't come out.

I'm still reading, of course.  I love you all too much to give that up.

So I went and saw a psychiatrist yesterday.  Cried the entire visit.  I don't know what to think about it.  I don't know if I want to go back.

She thinks ED comorbid with an anxiety disorder.  Gave me 2 weeks worth of Lexapro.  Scheduled me another appointment.

D tells me I am awesome and smart and and fun.  And that when I am happy I light up the world.  He said, "[Salix], you might not be able to move a mountain in one day, but you're just about the only person I know who would keep going until the damn thing moved.  And this is no mountain."

What if I want my mountain?

MIA period has finally shown up.  Killer cramps.  Killer headache.

I have a degree!

I...am slightly tipsy right now.  Vodka and cranberry and whiskey sours.  N (cute boy from high school--we ended up at the same college) walked me home.  (Don't worry!  Nothing happened!)

D left this morning.  We have been texting back and forth all day.  He's so cute.  :)

Turned in my thesis today.  Honors graduation tomorrow.  Real graduation Saturday.  Wheeeeeee!

Why am I flirting with N?  I like what D and I have.  I wouldn't trade that for N at all.  Me and him would never work out anyways.

I think I just want to make him want me.  I want that ego boost.  This is probably selfish.

It is bedtime now.  For definites.  I just drank a bottle of water, so no dehydration tomorrow.  Hopefully.

Sleeeeeepy Salix...

Oh man guys.  3 days without internet (rargle bargle Comcast grumble).  I missed you!

6 months for D and I as of yesterday.  :) 

I'm going over to his place soon today to study (EVIL biochem final on monday).  Yay!

And we had our first sort-of fight two days ago.  I think?  Maybe?  I'm not sure what counts as a fight.  We disagree and have discussions, etc. but I don't count those.  Usually he does not get angry or upset.  This time I think he was.  I was too.

So the story: I had an incredibly bad day and texted him around 3 pm.  He didn't text back and my day just got worse...so I was horribly cranky and angry and snippy by the time bedtime rolled around.  I texted him: "I'm going to assume that you have a good reason for ignoring me and that you'll explain later."  He texted that he'd gotten caught up in stuff and forgot.

Now, few things push my buttons...but being ignored and being forgotten do.  Like, a lot.  Like, I have ISSUES with those things.  So immediately I was super super upset.  I texted him that it takes 5 seconds to send a text and am I not worth 5 seconds of his life?  (There were some swearies in the message too...)  and he texted back "You are being overbearing and insulting."

He ended up coming over and we talked.  Things are good again.  He still loves me.

I don't know what's wrong with me, lovelies.  I feel so stressed out lately.  Most of it is school and graduation stuff, some of it is making a decision about grad school, some of it is that D's going away for a 3 week family vacation next week and also that I'm worried about the long-distance stuff for that and for grad school...a lot of it is ED related.  I talked to someone in the school counseling center about getting treatment.  I'm afraid.  I don't know if I'm ready to do this.  I don't know how else to cope with things.  I don't know whether I'm doing it for the right reasons.  I have to admit, secretly I hope that they will give me a prescription for Topa.  I feel so out of control lately.  Maybe that would help? 

I don't think that I am approaching this as treatment in the proper way.  I think that my brain is following this process: they will prescribe you Topa, you can use it to get down to your proper weight, then you can actually begin trying to recover.

I don't know if anybody with an ED ever really recovers.  I just can't handle the way things are right now.  I don't know what else to do.

I'm also stressed out because my period is about a week and a half late now.  And I've been PMSing that whole time.  I know it's probably all the stress (there is no way I'm pregnant, since D is waiting for marriage) but it still sucks like hell.

And on that lovely note...

(more regular posts when finals are done and thesis is turned in officially and graduation/family visit is over.  I swear!  Cross my heart)