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3/31/11
3/29/11
I am trembling with anticipation for tomorrow.
5 AM start to the day because boat leaves at 6 AM. YES!! Another boat day! E said they got a good catch today, no target species though. They reset the nets and I'm going out with retrieval crew tomorrow. Sooooo all morning and early afternoon on boat!
Then therapy at 3:30, reading analysis due by 5 PM (need to read those papers tonight!), and band practice at 7 PM. Busy busy day.
Also maybe I'll hear from D at some point? I hope?
I'm not taking my phone on the boat; I've drowned 3 phones so far (2 on boats, 1 in flood) and I REALLY adore my current one. So no taking chances with it. I'm leaving it at home. Which means that I won't get to check it until 5 pm at the earliest. And I half-hope D calls before then and I half-hope he doesn't. Because if he calls and I'm not there, I don't want him to think I don't care. (Though I am sure D is more rational than that. Still though.) But if he calls and leaves a voice message, maybe it will give me some sort of clue about how the inevitable talk will go. For example, if he calls me "honey" and sounds happy and ends with "love you", that would be a good sign. If he breaks up with me via voicemail, I will be incredibly pissed. But at least I could get the cry-ey drama out of the way before I talk to him.
It's funny how I can't imagine him actually breaking up with me yet I've somehow decided that it will happen tomorrow. Hello, brain, are you aware that you're slipping into incoherency?
Oh, and I realized today that this is probably PMS week. That explains the binge-urges and the water retention. I'm not helping myself any though--tonight's dinner involves liberal use of spicy sauce, the sodium content of which is higher than any living being should intake in their life. But it's tasty. So I'm eating it anyway.
Keep your fingers crossed for me extra hard tomorrow. No falling overboard, finishing my work, and staying together with D. These are the goals.
5 AM start to the day because boat leaves at 6 AM. YES!! Another boat day! E said they got a good catch today, no target species though. They reset the nets and I'm going out with retrieval crew tomorrow. Sooooo all morning and early afternoon on boat!
Then therapy at 3:30, reading analysis due by 5 PM (need to read those papers tonight!), and band practice at 7 PM. Busy busy day.
Also maybe I'll hear from D at some point? I hope?
I'm not taking my phone on the boat; I've drowned 3 phones so far (2 on boats, 1 in flood) and I REALLY adore my current one. So no taking chances with it. I'm leaving it at home. Which means that I won't get to check it until 5 pm at the earliest. And I half-hope D calls before then and I half-hope he doesn't. Because if he calls and I'm not there, I don't want him to think I don't care. (Though I am sure D is more rational than that. Still though.) But if he calls and leaves a voice message, maybe it will give me some sort of clue about how the inevitable talk will go. For example, if he calls me "honey" and sounds happy and ends with "love you", that would be a good sign. If he breaks up with me via voicemail, I will be incredibly pissed. But at least I could get the cry-ey drama out of the way before I talk to him.
It's funny how I can't imagine him actually breaking up with me yet I've somehow decided that it will happen tomorrow. Hello, brain, are you aware that you're slipping into incoherency?
Oh, and I realized today that this is probably PMS week. That explains the binge-urges and the water retention. I'm not helping myself any though--tonight's dinner involves liberal use of spicy sauce, the sodium content of which is higher than any living being should intake in their life. But it's tasty. So I'm eating it anyway.
Keep your fingers crossed for me extra hard tomorrow. No falling overboard, finishing my work, and staying together with D. These are the goals.
3/28/11
No class on Mondays. Love it! Because that means that when E wanders into my office and says, "Hey, wanna get some field work in today?" I can reply, "YES!!"
So yeah. I spent most of my day on a boat. Which was awesome in the extreme. Tiny bit of chop, not too much though. Forgot my gloves so my hands are shredded from the nets and my jacket and jeans and boots are covered in bird poop, but that is a small price to pay for a boat day!
Then I went to a seminar on econometrics, which turned out to be not at all accessible to laypersons. Jargon jargon jargon and acronyms from literally the first slide onwards. So I tuned out and spent the hour obsessing about thesis and D. But there was free food afterwards (they know that we grad students don't show up unless there is food to be had). 75 cals of strawberries and grapes, yum. Guy in my cohort (funnily enough, his name is also D. I swear I know 12 D's at this point, and that isn't counting any other D-names) told me that it was my duty to stay and help him finish off the food, but I declined. Was feeling a bit binge-y by that point and wasn't sure I'd be okay around food, so I just left.
Got home to find a strong smell of pot in the hallway. Thanks to some awesome distracting pictures and a larger dinner than I had intended, vanquished the binge urge. Why yes, I am amazing. So today comes in at about 200 calories over plan, but whatevs. 200 cals is a drop in the bucket compared to a binge. No binge = winning!
Thought on the D issue for the day: D is very honest and forthright (sometimes to the point of tactlessness). So if he were planning to break up with me, wouldn't he have said so? If he were taking this week to figure out if he wants to break up, wouldn't he have told me that? Even though some of the things he said sounded like a cliche break-up speech, he did not say anything about breaking up.
S'pose I only need to wait one more day to find out, hmm? I will try to be patient.
Classes tomorrow!
So yeah. I spent most of my day on a boat. Which was awesome in the extreme. Tiny bit of chop, not too much though. Forgot my gloves so my hands are shredded from the nets and my jacket and jeans and boots are covered in bird poop, but that is a small price to pay for a boat day!
Then I went to a seminar on econometrics, which turned out to be not at all accessible to laypersons. Jargon jargon jargon and acronyms from literally the first slide onwards. So I tuned out and spent the hour obsessing about thesis and D. But there was free food afterwards (they know that we grad students don't show up unless there is food to be had). 75 cals of strawberries and grapes, yum. Guy in my cohort (funnily enough, his name is also D. I swear I know 12 D's at this point, and that isn't counting any other D-names) told me that it was my duty to stay and help him finish off the food, but I declined. Was feeling a bit binge-y by that point and wasn't sure I'd be okay around food, so I just left.
Got home to find a strong smell of pot in the hallway. Thanks to some awesome distracting pictures and a larger dinner than I had intended, vanquished the binge urge. Why yes, I am amazing. So today comes in at about 200 calories over plan, but whatevs. 200 cals is a drop in the bucket compared to a binge. No binge = winning!
Thought on the D issue for the day: D is very honest and forthright (sometimes to the point of tactlessness). So if he were planning to break up with me, wouldn't he have said so? If he were taking this week to figure out if he wants to break up, wouldn't he have told me that? Even though some of the things he said sounded like a cliche break-up speech, he did not say anything about breaking up.
S'pose I only need to wait one more day to find out, hmm? I will try to be patient.
Classes tomorrow!
3/27/11
Aaaand that was incredibly self-pitying. Swear I am not looking for contradictions; just needed to vent. I have a whole list of good things about me on my wall and none of them feel true right now.
Not everything was bad today. The massage was quite nice, in fact. Though apparently I am physically incapable of relaxing my hips. Muscle tightness probably ingrained from long years of gymnastics.
And weight is down to just under where it was before I left for D's. Which is very surprising but definitely welcome.
I ate soup today. And vitamins. Good job, Salix.
Wednesday gets closer and closer.
Not everything was bad today. The massage was quite nice, in fact. Though apparently I am physically incapable of relaxing my hips. Muscle tightness probably ingrained from long years of gymnastics.
And weight is down to just under where it was before I left for D's. Which is very surprising but definitely welcome.
I ate soup today. And vitamins. Good job, Salix.
Wednesday gets closer and closer.
I tried to warn him from the very beginning that I am monstrous and damaged and not-fixable. Maybe he's finally realizing that I was telling the truth?
I'm just a selfish, insecure, jealous, manipulative, irrational bitch. And fucked-up in the head to boot. I can hide it from most others, but he always sees right through me. No wonder he's got doubts.
Really he's better off without me.
I'm just a selfish, insecure, jealous, manipulative, irrational bitch. And fucked-up in the head to boot. I can hide it from most others, but he always sees right through me. No wonder he's got doubts.
Really he's better off without me.
3/26/11
I can't get my mind off him. I can't imagine there not being an us.
He said he loves me. So why would he leave?
He has to know that I would be there for him. No matter what. All he has to do is ask me. I want to be there. I know he's got issues; so do I. Maybe he is more broken than I thought. I don't care. I still want him. Just him. Issues and all.
All I need right now is talk to him. But I can't I can't I can't. He said he needs a week and I will not be so selfish as to not give him that.
What will I do if he throws my offer away? What will I do if he throws me away?
He said he loves me. So why would he leave?
He has to know that I would be there for him. No matter what. All he has to do is ask me. I want to be there. I know he's got issues; so do I. Maybe he is more broken than I thought. I don't care. I still want him. Just him. Issues and all.
All I need right now is talk to him. But I can't I can't I can't. He said he needs a week and I will not be so selfish as to not give him that.
What will I do if he throws my offer away? What will I do if he throws me away?
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