Recently my words don't flow as easily.  It isn't that things aren't going on.  More things go on than I know what to do with.  I have so much packed into every day that they all are blurring together.  But I haven't been able to write about anything, not here, not in my notebook, nowhere.

Lately (as in yesterday and today), the idea of writing has not been so unbearable.  I have hope.  It sucks not being able to put words to paper.  It's hard to keep my thoughts straight.

I binged tonight.

I've been eating 3 meals a day for two months now and I'm still binging.  I'm almost at my high weight.  I'm at a weight which is objectively unhealthy.  I'm objectively fat.  I'm subjectively grotesque.  My loose loose jeans are tight.

I'm not dealing well.

Everything is very stressful lately.  I have too much work.  Things with FH are complicated (not necessarily bad, just complicated).  I haven't slept properly in weeks.  I feel anxious all the time.  I haven't had a full-on panic attack yet but there have been several instances of almost-panic which luckily I got under control in time.  My chest has been tight.

When I said I needed something to change, I meant it.

fat.  selfish.  buried in work.  i need something to change soon.  please.

still alive.  feel like i haven't slept in a month.  still anxious.  still fat.  still eating.

I'm having medical issues, blah.  On a 3-month course of antibiotics that make my stomach hurt like crazy.

FH bought me a cute shirt.  It made me smile all day.  :)  I tried to find a picture of it online for you guys but I couldn't (the shop's website didn't have it).  It's purple and has a monster.  It's more clingy than what I normally wear.  FH says it looks good on me.  He said, "At the risk of being one of those horrible guys who try to tell their women what to wear...you should wear more clothing like that sometimes.  It looks really good."  He's sweet.

2 weeks of boat starting tomorrow.  Not sure whether I am excited or dreading it.

Food remains blah.  I eat too much.

Miss you guys muchly.

Love,

Salix

I don't have words again lately.  Not that things have been terrible, really.  Just.  I don't know.  My brain doesn't work.

I have a cold.  Or something.  FH is all "RAWR you need to eat!" and I'm all "No!  Just let me drink orange juice and sleep!"  Only then I went to the office anyway because I feel lazy not doing so.  And because I needed to take my bike to the repair shop to get the spokes fixed (the tension's all wonky in the ones on the rear wheel).  Eating seems like a lot of work & effort and I suspect anything heavy would make me nauseated.  Maybe some soup would be okay.  Maybe I'll have some soup later.

The scale says that I have not gained any weight (though I'm very much less-than-happy about the number it's showing) but I feel about 10x larger than normal.  I've been eating lots and lots lately, trying to re-feed, trying to get myself back to some sort of normal cycle instead of the starve-binge-starve one I so frequently fall into.  It's really not fun.

I finally had a full-on talk with FH re: the ed.  I mean, he knew I was disordered before, but I'd never really given him details.  Now I have.  It hasn't seemed to change anything.

It's very grey outside.  I feel down.  Maybe that's just because I'm sick.  Blah.  I don't know.

We got a couch for the apartment.  A love seat, actually, because we didn't have room for a full-size couch.  It's blue and very squishy.  Kitty loves it.

I'm missing pieces today.

I haven't eaten dinner tonight.  I don't want to eat dinner tonight.

Disappeared for a week from oh-so-much work and conference.  Didn't even respond to emails.  Today I still haven't made it in to the office so I will stay late tonight...then try to catch up on blogs...then SLEEP FOREVER.  So exhausted.

Here.  Has a Potter-alopod.

(Squidditch by Meg Lyman)