12/29/11
12/27/11
Back at work & slacking. Ooops. Guess I'll stay late tonight, hmm? I have to be finished with this analysis today no matter what. I'm just having trouble getting down to business today. Data analysis can be so fucking repetitive. BORING. Plus there's no one else in the office and we're out of coffee. FAIL.
FH & I went to a friend's house for Christmas Eve dinner and I wore a shirt he likes which is just a bit too tight. And had a little meltdown before we left. He said things about me not being fat and blah etc. And then he said, "Anyway, if you really do want to lose weight, and I'm not saying that you need to so stop thinking that right now, then you could." And I said, "I know, eat less and exercise more." And then started crying. I don't know how to explain to him what a slippery slope that is, and how I know how easily eat less in my head turns into not eating at all, and how there is no in-between for me, there never has been. And how I hate exercise because it makes me so aware of my body and so self-conscious. I can't bring myself to run anymore because I feel people watching me wherever I go. I used to be so athletic. I used to run a 7.30 mile. And now I can barely even jog a mile and I jiggle and bounce and EW. I can't stand myself. I tried to say this to him. I don't know how much got through. He sat me down and said, "Don't stop eating, okay?" But I couldn't promise that to him. I had eaten much less for the two days prior and it felt so good not to eat. And so I couldn't promise not to restrict. I said something silly and changed the subject and he let himself be distracted.
Of course, since then I've been eating again all the time. I hate it. First step: stop binging. Break that goddamned cycle. Fuck.
Tomorrow I've got a hair appointment. To talk about highlights. Blue. My hair is dark brown. I don't know. I've never done anything to my hair before aside from the occasional haircut or trim. Blue highlights is kind of a big step. I'm not fully convinced that I want them yet. Plus, I worry that they'll be seen as unprofessional, that they would hurt my job chances. Except that theoretically they would be grown out by the time I start looking for proper jobs, since even if I can finish this degree on time and graduate this spring I've already got a research job lined up for the summer and possibly longer.
It's cliche, new year as new start, but I always do it anyway. So. 2012. One week away. New year, new start. Maybe this year. Maybe this year will be the one.
FH & I went to a friend's house for Christmas Eve dinner and I wore a shirt he likes which is just a bit too tight. And had a little meltdown before we left. He said things about me not being fat and blah etc. And then he said, "Anyway, if you really do want to lose weight, and I'm not saying that you need to so stop thinking that right now, then you could." And I said, "I know, eat less and exercise more." And then started crying. I don't know how to explain to him what a slippery slope that is, and how I know how easily eat less in my head turns into not eating at all, and how there is no in-between for me, there never has been. And how I hate exercise because it makes me so aware of my body and so self-conscious. I can't bring myself to run anymore because I feel people watching me wherever I go. I used to be so athletic. I used to run a 7.30 mile. And now I can barely even jog a mile and I jiggle and bounce and EW. I can't stand myself. I tried to say this to him. I don't know how much got through. He sat me down and said, "Don't stop eating, okay?" But I couldn't promise that to him. I had eaten much less for the two days prior and it felt so good not to eat. And so I couldn't promise not to restrict. I said something silly and changed the subject and he let himself be distracted.
Of course, since then I've been eating again all the time. I hate it. First step: stop binging. Break that goddamned cycle. Fuck.
Tomorrow I've got a hair appointment. To talk about highlights. Blue. My hair is dark brown. I don't know. I've never done anything to my hair before aside from the occasional haircut or trim. Blue highlights is kind of a big step. I'm not fully convinced that I want them yet. Plus, I worry that they'll be seen as unprofessional, that they would hurt my job chances. Except that theoretically they would be grown out by the time I start looking for proper jobs, since even if I can finish this degree on time and graduate this spring I've already got a research job lined up for the summer and possibly longer.
It's cliche, new year as new start, but I always do it anyway. So. 2012. One week away. New year, new start. Maybe this year. Maybe this year will be the one.
12/25/11
12/20/11
I signed up for a yoga class today. Starts next month. I haven't done yoga since undergrad.
I've been letting FH in a bit more about the depth of the body issues I have. I don't think he realized the intensity of my dislike/hatred/disgust of myself before. He says, "I think yoga is a good idea. And maybe you should think about going back to therapy?"
I still feel exhausted at just the thought of getting back into therapy. I don't have the time or energy. (Lame lame lame excuse.) So for now, yoga. And if I can ever get some motivation, running.
I'm really really unhappy with myself and with my body lately. (I'm also really fat lately. Scale doesn't lie.) I don't know where to go from here.
(not binging would be a start...)
Disordered brain keeps telling me that if only I would stop eating that things would get better. But that's so hard nowadays. I'm weak. I'm useless. (I'm being down & disorderly.)
Meh. Bedtime. I slept in this morning but I'm still so tired.
I've been letting FH in a bit more about the depth of the body issues I have. I don't think he realized the intensity of my dislike/hatred/disgust of myself before. He says, "I think yoga is a good idea. And maybe you should think about going back to therapy?"
I still feel exhausted at just the thought of getting back into therapy. I don't have the time or energy. (Lame lame lame excuse.) So for now, yoga. And if I can ever get some motivation, running.
I'm really really unhappy with myself and with my body lately. (I'm also really fat lately. Scale doesn't lie.) I don't know where to go from here.
(not binging would be a start...)
Disordered brain keeps telling me that if only I would stop eating that things would get better. But that's so hard nowadays. I'm weak. I'm useless. (I'm being down & disorderly.)
Meh. Bedtime. I slept in this morning but I'm still so tired.
12/19/11
I'm tired.
I'm hibernating away from the cold December weather like the fat, honey-loving bear that I am. This week I'm puppy-sitting for a friend's adorable dogs. They jump up and run in circles and throw fits of happiness when I come home from work and they snuggle up to me at night. I miss snuggling with FH this week and the house creaks and startles me because I am not used to its sounds, but those puppies almost make up for it.
I'm busy putting on a happy face for work and being productive! and awesome! and on top of things! but really I just want a break so bad. Even when FH & I went to California on our weekend away, we still studied and worried over finals. And a weekend isn't enough to do me anymore. I need at least a week of nothing. But this is impossible, because even when I'm not doing thesis-work now, I'm still thinking about it. This degree hangs over me like a cloud. I'm running out of time. I'm terrified that I'll present my progress report to my committee next month and they'll laugh. Stupid little girl, to think that she can get this finished by June. Silly little girl who doesn't know what she's doing. I'm behind on my departmental milestones because one committee member hasn't reviewed my latest draft yet. I should have had that approved last month, I should have pushed them, given a hard deadline. Too late now. It will have to go in next quarter.
I've been thinking about D entirely too much for my comfort recently. Today one of my labmates was prying and so I told him the story of D and the story of FH. It wasn't very good storytelling; I've managed to forget much of the ending of the D story. I'm good at blocking painful things out, so good that I can't even remember them later. And probably not eating over 200 cals/day for a month contributed to the fuzziness of those memories.
I had mentioned something in passing to FH about having to sell some of my video games last year in order to not overdraw my bank account. He brought it up the other day, asking what video games (he knows I'm only a casual gamer. Almost all the games in our house are his, though the gaming console is mine). So I told him about the games and selling the game D had given me and selling all the clothes I could (the second-hand shops are picky around here and I mainly wear jeans and t-shirts anyway, so it wasn't that much) and even the DVD one of my best friends gave me before I had no choice, nothing left to sell but the game D gave me. And how D was so upset when he found out later and how I don't think he ever really forgave me for that. And it hurt all over again. I was driving at the time, so I just watched the road. I didn't cry. But FH knew I was upset. "It's in the past," he said. I nodded.
Yesterday FH suggested we take a trip to NYC this winter/spring to visit the Museum of Modern Art. I've never been. And I thought, "D is there." And then the same desire I always have after a break-up/rejection followed: I want him to see me with FH. I want him to see that I am happy without him. I want him to see that I have moved on. And I want him to regret losing me. I wondered almost absently how much weight I could lose before then. I didn't mention any of this to FH though. I'm not proud of these vengeful impulses of mine.
This video feels apt. Gotye: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
We went to the pet store yesterday, FH and I. We were getting another bag of food for our kitty/monster hybrid who, even though he is still a kitten, has outstripped in weight the adult cat I had as a child. He is up to 10 lbs at 7 months. He's not fat either. It's like having a small dog in the house. I worry that he will not be able to get into his kitty house if he gets any bigger.
Anyway, we went to the pet store to get cat food. Only it was kitty adoption day, so we ended up going and visiting the kittens. There was a tiny black one with green-yellow eyes that I fell completely in love with. "FH, I want him for me. He's so cute! Look at his tiny paws. I want him so bad." FH reminded me that our kitty would probably eat him, after biffing him around the house like one of his ball-toys. So that was the end of that idea. (But he really was adorable.) On the ride home, I said, "FH? If we stay together for a while, and if we stay in the same place for a while...can we do that foster kitten thing? You know, where you raise them until they're a certain age and then they get adopted by someone else?" And he pointed out the problems with that plan: "I'm not opposed, but what about Kitty? He would hate it. Plus those kittens sometimes have diseases. And you would get upset every time you had to give one up." And I saw the validity of these arguments and agreed. And then I said, "I guess so...but let's stay together for a while anyway, okay?" And of course he laughed at me ("[Salix]es, [Salix]es, what am I going to do with all these [Salix]es?" Don't ask me why he thinks its funny to pluralize my name. I have no idea at all.) BUT THEN. An unexpected statement. He followed up with, "If things keep going the way they are, then we will be together for a long time".
I MEAN WHOA. WHAT?
This is the same man who doesn't believe in love except that between a mother & child. In fact, he never even uses the word love, not the English nor the Spanish equivalent (although I should note that Spanish has amar and querer and as far as I can tell this belief only applies to amar. The meanings are a bit different between the two). He thinks marriage is a completely silly construct. He is okay with the idea of open relationships, of me sleeping with other guys/girls. He gets upset if he thinks that I doubt that he cares about me, but he never tells me he cares about me. If I ask, he laughs, and if I push, he says, "Of course I care about you. Stop being silly." He isn't good with words and by that I don't mean that he's not fluent in English. He is. And he is perfectly good at talking about other subjects. But mention anything about love or feelings etc. and he changes the subject, laughing at me ("Silly [Salix]") or getting annoyed (he feels sometimes I'm pushing, artificially imposing either/or constraints).
It's not that I'm dissatisfied with any of that, nor am I trying to change him. (Though it does sometimes make the insecurity attacks worse, and he is completely hopeless at comforting me. That's unfortunate.) But this sudden statement took me completely by surprise. I had to ask him to repeat it because I didn't believe he'd said it.
(Of course, after that I got the usual "stop worrying about the future, live in the present, be happy now" lecture.)
But yeah. Wow.
I'm hibernating away from the cold December weather like the fat, honey-loving bear that I am. This week I'm puppy-sitting for a friend's adorable dogs. They jump up and run in circles and throw fits of happiness when I come home from work and they snuggle up to me at night. I miss snuggling with FH this week and the house creaks and startles me because I am not used to its sounds, but those puppies almost make up for it.
I'm busy putting on a happy face for work and being productive! and awesome! and on top of things! but really I just want a break so bad. Even when FH & I went to California on our weekend away, we still studied and worried over finals. And a weekend isn't enough to do me anymore. I need at least a week of nothing. But this is impossible, because even when I'm not doing thesis-work now, I'm still thinking about it. This degree hangs over me like a cloud. I'm running out of time. I'm terrified that I'll present my progress report to my committee next month and they'll laugh. Stupid little girl, to think that she can get this finished by June. Silly little girl who doesn't know what she's doing. I'm behind on my departmental milestones because one committee member hasn't reviewed my latest draft yet. I should have had that approved last month, I should have pushed them, given a hard deadline. Too late now. It will have to go in next quarter.
I've been thinking about D entirely too much for my comfort recently. Today one of my labmates was prying and so I told him the story of D and the story of FH. It wasn't very good storytelling; I've managed to forget much of the ending of the D story. I'm good at blocking painful things out, so good that I can't even remember them later. And probably not eating over 200 cals/day for a month contributed to the fuzziness of those memories.
I had mentioned something in passing to FH about having to sell some of my video games last year in order to not overdraw my bank account. He brought it up the other day, asking what video games (he knows I'm only a casual gamer. Almost all the games in our house are his, though the gaming console is mine). So I told him about the games and selling the game D had given me and selling all the clothes I could (the second-hand shops are picky around here and I mainly wear jeans and t-shirts anyway, so it wasn't that much) and even the DVD one of my best friends gave me before I had no choice, nothing left to sell but the game D gave me. And how D was so upset when he found out later and how I don't think he ever really forgave me for that. And it hurt all over again. I was driving at the time, so I just watched the road. I didn't cry. But FH knew I was upset. "It's in the past," he said. I nodded.
Yesterday FH suggested we take a trip to NYC this winter/spring to visit the Museum of Modern Art. I've never been. And I thought, "D is there." And then the same desire I always have after a break-up/rejection followed: I want him to see me with FH. I want him to see that I am happy without him. I want him to see that I have moved on. And I want him to regret losing me. I wondered almost absently how much weight I could lose before then. I didn't mention any of this to FH though. I'm not proud of these vengeful impulses of mine.
This video feels apt. Gotye: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
We went to the pet store yesterday, FH and I. We were getting another bag of food for our kitty/monster hybrid who, even though he is still a kitten, has outstripped in weight the adult cat I had as a child. He is up to 10 lbs at 7 months. He's not fat either. It's like having a small dog in the house. I worry that he will not be able to get into his kitty house if he gets any bigger.
Anyway, we went to the pet store to get cat food. Only it was kitty adoption day, so we ended up going and visiting the kittens. There was a tiny black one with green-yellow eyes that I fell completely in love with. "FH, I want him for me. He's so cute! Look at his tiny paws. I want him so bad." FH reminded me that our kitty would probably eat him, after biffing him around the house like one of his ball-toys. So that was the end of that idea. (But he really was adorable.) On the ride home, I said, "FH? If we stay together for a while, and if we stay in the same place for a while...can we do that foster kitten thing? You know, where you raise them until they're a certain age and then they get adopted by someone else?" And he pointed out the problems with that plan: "I'm not opposed, but what about Kitty? He would hate it. Plus those kittens sometimes have diseases. And you would get upset every time you had to give one up." And I saw the validity of these arguments and agreed. And then I said, "I guess so...but let's stay together for a while anyway, okay?" And of course he laughed at me ("[Salix]es, [Salix]es, what am I going to do with all these [Salix]es?" Don't ask me why he thinks its funny to pluralize my name. I have no idea at all.) BUT THEN. An unexpected statement. He followed up with, "If things keep going the way they are, then we will be together for a long time".
I MEAN WHOA. WHAT?
This is the same man who doesn't believe in love except that between a mother & child. In fact, he never even uses the word love, not the English nor the Spanish equivalent (although I should note that Spanish has amar and querer and as far as I can tell this belief only applies to amar. The meanings are a bit different between the two). He thinks marriage is a completely silly construct. He is okay with the idea of open relationships, of me sleeping with other guys/girls. He gets upset if he thinks that I doubt that he cares about me, but he never tells me he cares about me. If I ask, he laughs, and if I push, he says, "Of course I care about you. Stop being silly." He isn't good with words and by that I don't mean that he's not fluent in English. He is. And he is perfectly good at talking about other subjects. But mention anything about love or feelings etc. and he changes the subject, laughing at me ("Silly [Salix]") or getting annoyed (he feels sometimes I'm pushing, artificially imposing either/or constraints).
It's not that I'm dissatisfied with any of that, nor am I trying to change him. (Though it does sometimes make the insecurity attacks worse, and he is completely hopeless at comforting me. That's unfortunate.) But this sudden statement took me completely by surprise. I had to ask him to repeat it because I didn't believe he'd said it.
(Of course, after that I got the usual "stop worrying about the future, live in the present, be happy now" lecture.)
But yeah. Wow.
12/13/11
One final to go. Ohhh one final to go. This time tomorrow (plus three hours) it will all be over and then I can focus on thesis work. So much more to do to meet my Dec. 30 deadline...
I took a mini-break with FH & we went down the coast for the weekend. It was mostly lovely. Though I didn't study at all so I have only begun studying for the final tomorrow today. This is not enough time. Oh well.
Actually, I haven't even started studying yet because we slept in and now FH is brushing his hair (which takes forever because he has very long hair) and then we go to pick my car up from the auto-fixey place and THEN off to school. And then study group (which I am not prepared for oops) and then freaking lab meeting (which will be fun but will also take a lot of time out of my day) and then more more more study + caffeine + study. WHEEEEE (not).
Apparently FH weighs 20 lbs less than me. And he's taller. Dratted skinny boys. I'm irrationally cranky about this.
I took a mini-break with FH & we went down the coast for the weekend. It was mostly lovely. Though I didn't study at all so I have only begun studying for the final tomorrow today. This is not enough time. Oh well.
Actually, I haven't even started studying yet because we slept in and now FH is brushing his hair (which takes forever because he has very long hair) and then we go to pick my car up from the auto-fixey place and THEN off to school. And then study group (which I am not prepared for oops) and then freaking lab meeting (which will be fun but will also take a lot of time out of my day) and then more more more study + caffeine + study. WHEEEEE (not).
Apparently FH weighs 20 lbs less than me. And he's taller. Dratted skinny boys. I'm irrationally cranky about this.
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