Ok.  So.  I owe you all some details about D.

The dinner and movie were okay--of course I ate too much and of course that part was awful...everything was covered in butter.  Luckily, I'm vegan (mostly), so I got away with just some veggies and a bit of rice. 

That was Saturday.

Sunday, I had a mini-breakdown of sorts.  And after I'd calmed down a bit, I got on fb and D was on and messaged me, asking how my day was.  And the thing about D is that I promised myself and him that I would be completely honest at all times.  (I tend to fake a lot and just act how everyone expects me to act--it's so much easier.)  D's thing is that he will not push me to say anything if I'm not comfortable--if he asks a question that I don't want to answer, ok, that's fine.  But if I do answer, it has to be the truth.  (I am enforcing this myself.  I promised myself, and I do my best not to break promises.)

Anyway.  He asked how my day was, and I completely just dumped everything I was feeling on him.  I was so overwhelmed...  I apologized immediately, of course, and signed off in embarrassment, sure that he would never want to associate with me again--now that I had revealed how completely messed up and crazy I am.

A few minutes later, he texts me, wanting to come over.  I say ok.  He comes over, and we end up talking until 5:30 the next morning.  And cuddling a bit.  Which was incredibly nice.  :)

I told him things that I had never ever told anyone before.  I told him my deepest darkest secrets (except the food issues.  He does not know about that.  And I hope to hell that he never asks directly, because I don't want him to know any of that).  He is so easy to talk to...

The thing is, I don't know if I can handle a relationship right now.  Neither of us are really the "friends with benefits" types, so if I decide to date him, it will probably be something more than casual.  I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  And whatever I do, it can't last--because I will be leaving for grad school soon.  I've been clear about my doubts and uncertainties.  He is not pushing it.

Since that long talk, we've gotten dinner together once (a very casual thing, though.  Not a date), and he walked me home later and stayed until 12:30, watching YouTube videos (and cuddling a little).

Morning after that, I was slightly freaking out--I am not the sort of person who just cuddles with people!  I felt really weird about it...like we had intimate moments without actually being anything at all?  Does that make any sense?  Maybe I just wanted some clarification/validation.  I texted him and told him that I was really confused and kind of uncomfortable with him and me and us (if there even is an "us") and wanted to talk to him about it.  We are meeting Sunday to talk. 

I need to decide by then what I want to do. 

I really really like D.

I am so scared.

Here is another fucked-up thing: one thought I had was that if I date D that will involve lunches, dinners, stuff like that.  The vegan thing will help a bit...but ohmygod I wish I could make myself purge.  I hate that I have even considered that aspect of dating him!  Why can't I be normal???