I have officially submitted all of my grad school applications.  I am so excited about this; you have NO idea.  This means only 2 more scholarship applications to go (3 if I get into one of the Canadian schools)!  I am incredibly sick of filling out applications and writing self-reflective admissions essays.

Now I play the waiting game.  If there is any way you can keep your fingers crossed until March/April, please do so!

Today marks 3 months that D and I have been dating.  I feel like that is something of a milestone.  I still worry about what will happen in the future...especially if we are still together when I leave for grad school.  But I'm trying to enjoy now and just not think too much about that.  He's amazing.  :)

So I was going to do a whole post on the intellectual/neurotic thing, but I think I'll just include it here...

Whenever I am in a social situation where I am expected to impress (i.e., lunch with a dean candidate, a formal reception, things like that), I get really nervous.  More so when there is food.  Because I have to eat something to appear normal, yet I don't know what is in the food or how the food was prepared.  So here's how I generally deal with it:

a) being mostly vegan helps A LOT.  It's a very convenient excuse for being picky about food.  Plus (at least where I live) ususally the only vegan-friendly option is salad.
b) follow other people's examples.  For instance, my housemate also attended the dean candidate lunch.  I took about the same amount of food as she did.  My eating habits have been screwy for so long that I don't really know what normal portions are anymore...so the only way for me to judge is by watching others.
c) eat slowly and take frequent sips of drink.  For me, at least, this helps to reduce anxiety because I feel more controlled.  I really detest eating in front of people too; I always get really uncomfortable and paranoid.  Small bites and pauses help.
d) don't think about it.  I tell myself that it is ok and even necessary to eat this one meal in public and not stress over it.  Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't.  I try to focus on being thoughtful instead--which leads into the second half of my coping methods:

Coming across as intellectual and poised rather than the mess I actually am:
a) look people up beforehand when possible.  So when you are meeting someone important you will have their basic background.  It makes small talk easier (and believe me, I am terrible at small talk).
b) make eye contact.  This is usually hard for me, but I am getting better at it.
c) look interested and open and react to what the other person is saying.  I always put on my "attentive face".  A raised eyebrow or small nod here and there works wonders--it indicates that you are listening and understand exactly what they are saying (even if you don't really).  It's also a non-verbal encouragement for them to continue.  Most people like talking about themselves/their work/their interests, and the more they say, the less you have to contribute.  You can insert a few judicious remarks (meaningful if possible) and they will not remember that you didn't say much--and they'll have good feelings associated with the conversation.
d) mirroring.  This is really basic psychology, and most people aren't aware of it.  Humans tend to mimic (or "mirror") the behaviors of those that we like and/or admire.  And we also tend to like those that mirror us (it's subconsciously flattering.  I suspect that it's also a comfort factor--we tend to be more comfortable around those most similar to ourselves).  So you can consciously exploit that tendency.  For example, sit in a position that mirrors the person talking to you.  If they have their legs crossed, cross your own.  It's subtle, but it does work.
e) body language.  Beyond just looking interested, make sure your body language is open.  So no crossed arms or defensive postures.  Keep your torso angled towards the person speaking--it's indicative of attention.

Can you tell I am a psych minor?

My dad is ok!  After two extra days, the test results came back clean, which means that they got all the cancerous tissue out in the first surgery!

I'm so relieved.  The past week has been stress-stress-binge-stress-PMS-binge-stress.  Not so much fun.  But today I am juice fasting and happy.

I love juice, but I barely ever drink it normally.  I think it's because I can't justify the calories.  Even on juice fasts I always get the "light" versions.

First two tests of the semester tomorrow!  Eeeeks.  I promise a longer post after then.  Perhaps, as SBB suggested, a post on acting more intellectual, less neurotic.

Have a great day today!

Monday monday monday morning!

I have woken up empty and it feels lovely.  I think today will be a fast day.  Especially because I'll have to eat tomorrow--my school is having me take one of the dean candidates to lunch.  I am flattered by this.  But it means I need to make a good impression...sooooo best behavior: more intellect and less neuroticism.

First two exams this Friday and a crazy week ahead.  I can't wait to get it over with!  Daddy's test results come in tomorrow; keep your fingers crossed.

Things will be ok, I know it.  Hope all is well with you lovelies!  <3

I've changed the desktop background on my computer.  It was a picture of my grandmother.  I put it there after she passed away last spring.  It's nearly been a year since then...changing the background feels like a small act of betrayal.  But I think it is time.

Schoolwork schoolwork schoolwork.  I feel so burnt out and it's only the third week of the semester.  Blaaaahh.

Hung out with a friend last night--the worst type of friend, the kind who eats and pushes you to eat.  "You never eat anything," she says.  "I eat all the time," I say.  I certainly ate last night.  Ugh.  I think I will do a salt water flush tomorrow while my roommate is at church.  (Wish I could have today, but D texted and wanted to see me, so I couldn't.)  The taste is so vile.  That'll teach me.  Maybe next time I'll be stronger.

Today I am feeling better.  I am feeling thinner.  I am feeling brave.

My dad made it through surgery okay & now we are waiting for results.  (Thanks, SBB, for your comment...it does help.)

D knows something has been bothering me.  I may throw caution to the wind and say the "l" word.  We'll see.

I am almost almost almost done with grad apps!  Wheeee I can't wait!

Haha, wow, I am allll over the place today.  And I don't have nearly as much to say as I thought I did!

Ah well, I shan't subject you lovelies to my random anymore.  Instead, I shall go read your blogs and then maybe get some work done!  Yay productivity!  :)

Hope you all have a super-spectacular-fantastical day!  Be strong and happy!  We are all in this together!  <3

Also, I am sorry for not commenting lately!  I read your blogs everyday...I just never seem to have the right words to say.  :(

Have a wonderful day today, lovelies.

Warning: emo post ahead.  Sorry.  :(

Today just FEELS shitty.  Had a fight with my mother last night about my father's impending surgery..."there are some things you just shouldn't tell children," she says.  FUCK THAT SHIT.  I am 21 years old.  I am not a child.  And I think I deserve to know whether my father has cancer or not.  Seriously?  Why would you NOT tell me something like that?  UGH sometimes I hate my family!

Plus the ex is trying to be all "we are friends and everything is ok now!"  No.  Civility, fine.  We do have rehearsals 3 times a week plus performance schedule together.  But there is no need for friendship.  It's not even like I hate him...I just don't want to associate with him.  After 6 years of serious dating, it's just too weird.

Plus I was feeling shit yesterday because of all that and got upset at D.  He is so wonderful.  Just hugged me.  But I can't get the insecure feelings to go away. 

I am so afraid that I am falling for this man.  I cannot afford to do this.  I just can't.  He tells me he loves me and I want to love him back (i think i may.  it is so scary.  i do not want to love him.  i feel that as soon as i do, he will leave me.  or i will leave for grad school and whatever we have will fall to bits anyway).

It's only been 2.5 months.

D. does not have a history of long relationships.

It cannot last much longer.  I need to keep this in mind.  I need to be prepared.

I am not saying that I will negate the possibility of a long relationship.  In fact, I really really want that.  I just...don't want to be hurt again.

But I'm hurting already.

I can't do it yet.  I can't tell him I love him.  Better to wait.

Oh dear god.  So.  Latest mini-drama in my ridiculous life:

I participated in a psych study at my university last semester.  I had to do a "journal" entry each week--basically just answer all the questions they sent me and send it back.  And I got paid for it.  Easy, right?  I thought so.

Turns out, I was part of D's control group for his thesis project (YES THE SAME D THAT I AM DATING).  So guess who has to read every single one of these journal entries?  Right.  D. 

I was trying to write, for the sake of the study, like no one would actually read any of it--I knew that someone would, of course, but I assumed it would be the prof in charge of the study (whom I have never met nor ever plan to meet).  NOT D.


I really can't recall what all I wrote.  I'm positive that there's nothing about ed in there...there might have been one question once asking about body image?

I know for a fact that there are at least a few things about D in there, because we started dating just after I started journalling.

I found this out yesterday--D came in and told me, "Now that the study's over, I can tell you that you were in my control group!"  He thinks it's hilarious.  HE HAS KNOWN ABOUT THIS ALMOST SINCE THE BEGINNING.  (though he did say that he didn't realize it until a bit later...meaning that he really couldn't have done anything about it at that point)

I am a psych minor, so I know how these studies work, and all the procedures etc.  I understand why he couldn't tell me.  I understand why he has to read and score my journal.  I know that I promised to be 100% honest with him at all times (though in the case of ed, I'm still operating on "don't ask, don't tell" and will be for the foreseeable future), and so it shouldn't really matter if he reads it or not.

But still.

First day of the last term of my undergraduate career.  Woooo!

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."
 -Girl Interrupted

Some of us don't use blades, but isn't this what we all are doing?

I am.

Driving driving driving again.  Home for a dentist appointment this time (Why even bother going back to school? my mother says over Chrismas break.  Because I want to be there for New Year's Eve, I reply.  Well then, why bother coming home at all? is her response.  Thanks so much, Mom.  I can tell how wanted I am.)

Not so bad.  I like long car trips alone.  I like cranking my music up and singing along. 

I just dislike going home.

I re-read Wasted yesterday.  Last (and first) time I read it was a year and a half ago.  I wondered, this time, if it would still speak to me.  It does.  I finally bought a copy (ordered it off Amazon with my schoolbooks) so now I'll be able to re-read at will.  Yay!

Kissed D at midnight on New Year's as the ball dropped on tv.  It was wonderful.  This is the crucial month for our relationship...we'll see what happens.  Keep your fingers crossed.

PMS-ing like mad.  Hate that.

Wow, I'm random today!  Maybe next time I'll be more cohesive.

Alright lovelies, I need to go shower and pack my overnight stuff.  I'll miss you while I'm in the land of no internets.