The thing is that I don't know what I'm doing.

And I started this post thinking that I had something relevant! and insightful! to say, but now the words are stuck and my thoughts are jumbled and maybe my brain is saying something but the message will not get to the fingertips or the mouth and so it cannot find any avenue out.  And I feel sometimes I will explode with the unacknowledged not-thoughts.  Sometimes I believe if I open my mouth only gibberish would come out and within that gibberish would be THE ANSWER but I could never understand it and nor would anyone else.

I've been binging a lot and weight is up and self-esteem is down and brain is whirling.  Today I've had coffee and that feels good.  (Also I ate some pasta this morning, a remnant of last night's pasta binge-dinner (FUCK PASTA.  I HATE IT), and am now eating a plain Oikos greek yogurt.)  And tonight I am spending the night in the office and that feels good too.

And I hate that I define my life in terms of food and no-food and weight.

And I don't know what to do.