Things are okay. Too tired to post more, but...we talked yesterday. Things are okay.
In possibly related news, fricken' period blah. Hate it. :(
8/31/11
8/30/11
*edited to add: 2.5 hours of sleep later, I'm still ashamed of how horribly immature I am.
:(
It's 3:30 am and I cannot sleep.
A backwards story, in that I copy here what I wrote in my journal to FH then give you backstory possibly not in strict time sequence.
So FH has an ex-girlfriend who we'll call C. They dated a year then broke up when he moved here and she went home to South America before moving (apparently today?) to Europe for her grad schooling. They didn't want to deal with the hassles of long-distance. But they are still very close. Pet names and all.
Tonight, emboldened by the 1.5 beers I had at the potluck (Salix is a lightweight and also these beers were higher alcohol content than normal beer), I nerved up and spilled my guts. While riding a bike.
"FH? I am a little fuzzy right now and maybe I will not be fuzzy by the time we get home, so while I am still fuzzy and brave I am going to tell you what has been bothering me for a little bit now. I am feeling...insecure, I guess, over your C. I feel I am a very poor replacement. And that if she were here you would want her, choose her...you would be dating her instead of just something-ing me."
And then I pulled my usual trick employed when sudden overwhelming anxiety hits: I ran. Or, in this case, pedaled furiously. My bike is much lighter and faster than his. He had no chance. I called over my shoulder the last part of my confession. "And that feeling upsets me. And makes me feel bad. And I don't like it." And then sped off.
He caught me up at the stoplight at the end of the trail. Neither of us said anything. Got home and put the bikes away and he went to his room. And I finished doing the laundry and went to mine. Not a word from either of us.
On the one hand: I realize I'm being stupid and probably irrational with these insecure feelings. On the other hand: I can't help feeling how I feel and at least I managed to communicate that feeling to him (which, let's face it, is a rare occurrence for me). And it was really bothering me lately. On the mutant third hand: I think probably some of this is me displacing anxiety over other things. Such as work. And food. Now that I'm eating semi-regularly (re-feeding, ugh, but that's a whole 'nother post) I have more energy to be angsty and emo and anxious about other things besides food. And so maybe I'm stirring up trouble completely unnecessarily.
And maybe a tiny bit of this is that it's now been three months and I'm STILL freaking the fuck out about being in a "relationship". And worrying that I've got in too deep and that I'm more serious about him than he is about me and completely panicking over the "caring for him" feelings.
Really, why can't I just be happy? Where did my non-anxious, go-with-the-flow, zen-ness from June go? Would like that back, plzkthx.
Options here to explain the not-talking: 1) FH is angry at me. Unsure why he would be, except perhaps that I am being ridiculous and frustrating. I thought he seemed a bit angry/irritated, but I am pretty horrible at reading people. 2) I have inadvertently hit closer to the truth of his feelings than I knew and now he is having to consider them and think about what exactly he feels for me. 3) (and rational brain says probably the most likely) he's waiting for me to make the first move. That's usually FH's modus operandi--he never pushes, never even asks, just waits until I want to talk about something. This is not altogether helpful, since I have difficulty talking about anything serious without at least a little prodding/encouragement. I also have a very unfortunate tendency to misinterpret his non-active-encouragement (passive encouragement such as listening he does very well) as non-interest.
Anyway. Now it's 4 am and I will try for the millionth time to go to sleep.
Go ahead, tell me I am stupid.
This has been a not-so-great birthday.
:(
It's 3:30 am and I cannot sleep.
A backwards story, in that I copy here what I wrote in my journal to FH then give you backstory possibly not in strict time sequence.
Because of course I must ruin everything. Why can't I just fucking be happy, for once in my goddamn life?
And you are closed in your room, and I in mine. I listen to the sound of your horrible music and the occasional coughs and nose-blowing of someone who is allergic to cats and yet encouraged me when I said I wanted one.
And every time the music stops my heart skips a beat. Because maybe you will open my door, slide into my bed, hold me and make everything all right again. But the next song always starts and you do not come to me.
I opened up to you and you rejected me. FH is angry. Salix is stupid. Why must I always, ALWAYS ruin things?And now the backstory. In which I am horribly irrational and insecure. Feel free to judge me; we all know that I am terrible at any sort of relationship stuff anyway. This is just further example of that.
So FH has an ex-girlfriend who we'll call C. They dated a year then broke up when he moved here and she went home to South America before moving (apparently today?) to Europe for her grad schooling. They didn't want to deal with the hassles of long-distance. But they are still very close. Pet names and all.
Tonight, emboldened by the 1.5 beers I had at the potluck (Salix is a lightweight and also these beers were higher alcohol content than normal beer), I nerved up and spilled my guts. While riding a bike.
"FH? I am a little fuzzy right now and maybe I will not be fuzzy by the time we get home, so while I am still fuzzy and brave I am going to tell you what has been bothering me for a little bit now. I am feeling...insecure, I guess, over your C. I feel I am a very poor replacement. And that if she were here you would want her, choose her...you would be dating her instead of just something-ing me."
And then I pulled my usual trick employed when sudden overwhelming anxiety hits: I ran. Or, in this case, pedaled furiously. My bike is much lighter and faster than his. He had no chance. I called over my shoulder the last part of my confession. "And that feeling upsets me. And makes me feel bad. And I don't like it." And then sped off.
He caught me up at the stoplight at the end of the trail. Neither of us said anything. Got home and put the bikes away and he went to his room. And I finished doing the laundry and went to mine. Not a word from either of us.
On the one hand: I realize I'm being stupid and probably irrational with these insecure feelings. On the other hand: I can't help feeling how I feel and at least I managed to communicate that feeling to him (which, let's face it, is a rare occurrence for me). And it was really bothering me lately. On the mutant third hand: I think probably some of this is me displacing anxiety over other things. Such as work. And food. Now that I'm eating semi-regularly (re-feeding, ugh, but that's a whole 'nother post) I have more energy to be angsty and emo and anxious about other things besides food. And so maybe I'm stirring up trouble completely unnecessarily.
And maybe a tiny bit of this is that it's now been three months and I'm STILL freaking the fuck out about being in a "relationship". And worrying that I've got in too deep and that I'm more serious about him than he is about me and completely panicking over the "caring for him" feelings.
Really, why can't I just be happy? Where did my non-anxious, go-with-the-flow, zen-ness from June go? Would like that back, plzkthx.
Options here to explain the not-talking: 1) FH is angry at me. Unsure why he would be, except perhaps that I am being ridiculous and frustrating. I thought he seemed a bit angry/irritated, but I am pretty horrible at reading people. 2) I have inadvertently hit closer to the truth of his feelings than I knew and now he is having to consider them and think about what exactly he feels for me. 3) (and rational brain says probably the most likely) he's waiting for me to make the first move. That's usually FH's modus operandi--he never pushes, never even asks, just waits until I want to talk about something. This is not altogether helpful, since I have difficulty talking about anything serious without at least a little prodding/encouragement. I also have a very unfortunate tendency to misinterpret his non-active-encouragement (passive encouragement such as listening he does very well) as non-interest.
Anyway. Now it's 4 am and I will try for the millionth time to go to sleep.
Go ahead, tell me I am stupid.
This has been a not-so-great birthday.
8/29/11
OOH almost forgot! We got a kitty! He is tiny and fluffy and adorable. Here is a picture:
It's hard to get a good picture because he's super active and won't hold still. Most of the pictures I have are blurry paws because he keeps trying to bat at the camera. Silly kitty. :)
 |
| This is his "stop taking pictures of me!" face. |
FINALLY got internets in the new apartment! I don't know how we three managed to survive without it so long, haha.
Today is my birthday. It's meh. Birthdays often are, aren't they? It isn't even an exciting age...23. Boring.
FH gave me a present...lots of books about fish and fluffy things with little magnetic penguin bookmarks and a squid button for my bag. It was sweet. Also apparently there's a card in the mail from my parents. Also also there have been several "happy birthday!" posts on my fb wall. Other than that, business as usual.
I'm going to a potluck tonight for a friend's going-away party. FH & Y said it was up to me, since it's my birthday. And I said that her going away possibly forever back to her home country and our saying goodbye is probably more important than my birthday and besides, it isn't like we'd made any other special plans or anything. So we're going.
On the bike ride to school today I was cranky with myself. You are so selfish, my brain said, why do you think you deserve special attention today? But then I told myself that I am not selfish to want to be spoiled sometimes and I am not selfish to want to be appreciated and it is okay to feel upset and/or sad. So I guess at least I learned something in therapy...
Speaking of bike rides...the new apartment is farther away from school than my old one. So now it is an 8-mile bike ride (4 there, 4 back) every day instead of a 2-mile walk. That plus whatever else exercise I do, which usually isn't much (except on boat days). I'm a lazy panda. So I'm glad of the extra distance because it forces me to bike more.
I've been eating. I don't like it much. I guess I'll get into that later maybe. Right now it's time to bike back to school to meet FH and go to potluck...
Love you guys.
Today is my birthday. It's meh. Birthdays often are, aren't they? It isn't even an exciting age...23. Boring.
FH gave me a present...lots of books about fish and fluffy things with little magnetic penguin bookmarks and a squid button for my bag. It was sweet. Also apparently there's a card in the mail from my parents. Also also there have been several "happy birthday!" posts on my fb wall. Other than that, business as usual.
I'm going to a potluck tonight for a friend's going-away party. FH & Y said it was up to me, since it's my birthday. And I said that her going away possibly forever back to her home country and our saying goodbye is probably more important than my birthday and besides, it isn't like we'd made any other special plans or anything. So we're going.
On the bike ride to school today I was cranky with myself. You are so selfish, my brain said, why do you think you deserve special attention today? But then I told myself that I am not selfish to want to be spoiled sometimes and I am not selfish to want to be appreciated and it is okay to feel upset and/or sad. So I guess at least I learned something in therapy...
Speaking of bike rides...the new apartment is farther away from school than my old one. So now it is an 8-mile bike ride (4 there, 4 back) every day instead of a 2-mile walk. That plus whatever else exercise I do, which usually isn't much (except on boat days). I'm a lazy panda. So I'm glad of the extra distance because it forces me to bike more.
I've been eating. I don't like it much. I guess I'll get into that later maybe. Right now it's time to bike back to school to meet FH and go to potluck...
Love you guys.
8/18/11
(written yesterday, after I gave up on being productive at all)
Today I lay in the grass and read Appetite by Caroline Knapp. And then I cried for a little bit.
What is it about wanting things that feels so taboo? What makes it wrong to want, wrong to need?
Today I lay in the grass and read Appetite by Caroline Knapp. And then I cried for a little bit.
What is it about wanting things that feels so taboo? What makes it wrong to want, wrong to need?
(because wanting, needing makes one vulnerable)
Why do I feel I’m not entitled to have what I want, to ask for what I need?
(because I want too much, I need too much)
And furthermore, what exactly do I want? I feel this great emptiness, loneliness, a void that exists inside me that I fear will never (can never) be satisfied.
(because I want too much, I need too much. It is a state of uncontrollable excess, of shameful raw desire, a state which leaves me weak and helpless. And I feel somewhere deep inside me that no matter how much I have it will never be enough)
I want so badly oh so badly to be loved (to be worthy? To be special? To be important? All of those roll into love for me) but at the same time I don’t believe that I am lovable at all. I don’t believe that I am worthy of love. I don’t believe that I deserve to be loved.
I am cynical and think “true love” is mainly a load of crap. There’s no one-true-soulmate. There’s no love-at-first-sight (though certainly there is lust. But how could someone feel anything more than that simply based on a glance? Looks tell you next-to-nothing about a person beyond how attractive they are to you). There’s no happily-ever-after, at least not without tons of effort and pain and tears. There’s no guarantee of forever, not ever. Feelings are too impermanent and malleable to rely upon. And yet. And yet I still want that kind of love you read about in fairy tales and romance novels, the kind that doesn’t exist.
I didn’t feel loved as a child. I tried and tried to please, mainly adults in my life—teachers, coaches, authority figures—probably seeking parental love that I wasn’t getting at home. My parents are not bad people. They are not cruel. My father is preoccupied with his medical issues. My mother is preoccupied with my father and resentful of the life she could have had. Neither of them are demonstrative at all, either verbally or physically. I didn’t get hugs growing up. I didn’t get “I love you”s. I suppose they both do love me, in their own ways. But I didn’t/don’t feel it.
What I did feel was abandoned. Overlooked. Unimportant. Ignored.
And then I dated E and he cheated on me. And then I dated M and turned myself into everything he ever even hinted that he wanted me to be. And got rejected. And then I dated D and let him in, let him see all of me that I am and was, even the parts that I had never shown anyone and the parts which I still cannot talk much about. And got rejected. And each of these boy-men said they loved me and that I was special and then none of them did and I was not.
I learned that I shouldn’t want things because I wouldn’t get them—what’s the point in wanting what you can’t have? Better to suppress and pretend you didn’t need it anyway.
Now I’m learning to acknowledge my wants again and it’s terrifying because it’s too much too much too much. And I feel I will never be satisfied. I will be always alone and wanting.
[A thing that’s odd here and that I haven’t managed to tease out of my brain yet: why is it that I want so badly the romantic love? I have friend-love. I know that L will be there for me no matter what. She loves me. I know the same to a lesser extent for a couple other friends. But somehow that’s not enough. Part of it is probably because I am here and they are all in various other places around the globe. But that’s definitely not the only thing. Maybe it’s because I have this tendency to mix physical desire in with emotional desire? Don’t ask; I don’t understand it well myself. I just know that it’s very difficult for me to separate out the two. As Cheap Trick put it, “I want you to want me. I need you to need me.” (This is the song that came on my ipod when I left my grassy spot. Ohhh the lovely little coincidences in life.) I want so badly to be loved. I want so desperately to be wanted.]
8/17/11
Mostly moved in to the new apartment. Still sleeping at the old one, since we've not assembled my new bed yet. Hopefully that will happen today.
Yesterday was my last session with Therapist. It was sad. She said a great many nice things about me and gave me a hug. I'm bad at good-byes.
I've been cranky lately. Everything feels blah and awful. I'm anxious. Food is bad and work is bad and moving is awful. The new place is nice; I just really hate the hassle of moving.
We have a lab meeting next week minus all the crew that's out in the field. I feel like I need to have something concrete to show...after all, I have been working all summer right? Why don't I feel like I've accomplished anything?
I fail as a grad student. :/
Maybe tomorrow I'll get some more work done. Maybe tomorrow I'll have results.
Yesterday was my last session with Therapist. It was sad. She said a great many nice things about me and gave me a hug. I'm bad at good-byes.
I've been cranky lately. Everything feels blah and awful. I'm anxious. Food is bad and work is bad and moving is awful. The new place is nice; I just really hate the hassle of moving.
We have a lab meeting next week minus all the crew that's out in the field. I feel like I need to have something concrete to show...after all, I have been working all summer right? Why don't I feel like I've accomplished anything?
I fail as a grad student. :/
Maybe tomorrow I'll get some more work done. Maybe tomorrow I'll have results.
8/11/11
Yay, Salix is back!
Boat = good. Road trip = eventful. Car now needs a new bumper and Salix needs monies. Blurg.
But I had a long talk with FH and felt a bit better about things. Friend L reminded me that I freaked out when I started having feelings for D too. She's right; I'd forgotten. So at least it's a pattern. It's not that feelings for FH specifically scare me...it's that feelings in general (particularly ones that make me vulnerable to other people) that freak me the fuck out.
In other news, I'm really fucking fat. Food craziness needs to STOP. I have had enough of this.
8/1/11
Therapist in 45 minutes. This will be the second-to-last session before she leaves. She's got a new job at a different university in a different state.
I don't think I'm going to continue therapy. I feel exhausted just thinking about going over everything with a new person. Instead I'm going to keep working on the stuff I've done with therapist. And work through this Appetite Awareness Training book she got me.
Recovery efforts are stalled and I know why. I'm pulling myself in different directions. I want to recover but I don't want to eat but I know I'm supposed to be following my schedule and food plan but food is so fucking complicated and at the same time I'm not dealing well with life at the moment because I don't know what the fuck I want or need and so I binge to close my feelings down.
I feel like half the time I'm pulling FH closer and the other half I'm pushing him away. Literally and figuratively both. I don't think it's anything he's doing. It's me being confused. I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I can/can't handle. I'm starting to forget that my intention upon entering this "something" was to put me first always. To for once just relax and let myself be spoiled. To not have to care so much. But now I'm starting to maybe have more serious feelings for him. This is a fucking problem. It terrifies me.
I can't even call the damn thing a relationship because it freaks me out. Even though we are explicitly exclusive and we hang out all the time and from any observer's viewpoint it would look like we are dating seriously.
I'm very fucking frustrated with myself lately.
Boats this week and then road trip to friend's and no FH for a while. Maybe that'll get my head on a bit straighter.
Sometimes when he hugs me I feel suddenly anxious and claustrophobic and can't handle being touched. And sometimes I cry still over D. Saturday morning I woke up in FH's bed and couldn't get back to sleep. So I finished the rest of my book (Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood) and then felt sad. And D's voice popped into my head, "[Salix], honey, what's wrong? I love you, and that means I am here for you." That first sentence is something D said whenever I felt upset. The second one is what he said when I told him about ED. What the fuck. Not cool. Not something I need. Get the fuck out of my head, D. I went and cried in the shower and when I got out FH had made me coffee and cantaloupe for breakfast.
FH doesn't call me pet names. (Except sometimes "pretty girl" or "pretty [Salix]", if that counts.) FH hasn't said he loves me. (And I don't think he will, because he is cynical like me about love and marriage and such.) FH spoils me rotten and looks and acts like he cares for me. FH doesn't push me to talk about anything I don't want to.
My head's a mess. I'm going to therapy now.
I don't think I'm going to continue therapy. I feel exhausted just thinking about going over everything with a new person. Instead I'm going to keep working on the stuff I've done with therapist. And work through this Appetite Awareness Training book she got me.
Recovery efforts are stalled and I know why. I'm pulling myself in different directions. I want to recover but I don't want to eat but I know I'm supposed to be following my schedule and food plan but food is so fucking complicated and at the same time I'm not dealing well with life at the moment because I don't know what the fuck I want or need and so I binge to close my feelings down.
I feel like half the time I'm pulling FH closer and the other half I'm pushing him away. Literally and figuratively both. I don't think it's anything he's doing. It's me being confused. I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I can/can't handle. I'm starting to forget that my intention upon entering this "something" was to put me first always. To for once just relax and let myself be spoiled. To not have to care so much. But now I'm starting to maybe have more serious feelings for him. This is a fucking problem. It terrifies me.
I can't even call the damn thing a relationship because it freaks me out. Even though we are explicitly exclusive and we hang out all the time and from any observer's viewpoint it would look like we are dating seriously.
I'm very fucking frustrated with myself lately.
Boats this week and then road trip to friend's and no FH for a while. Maybe that'll get my head on a bit straighter.
Sometimes when he hugs me I feel suddenly anxious and claustrophobic and can't handle being touched. And sometimes I cry still over D. Saturday morning I woke up in FH's bed and couldn't get back to sleep. So I finished the rest of my book (Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood) and then felt sad. And D's voice popped into my head, "[Salix], honey, what's wrong? I love you, and that means I am here for you." That first sentence is something D said whenever I felt upset. The second one is what he said when I told him about ED. What the fuck. Not cool. Not something I need. Get the fuck out of my head, D. I went and cried in the shower and when I got out FH had made me coffee and cantaloupe for breakfast.
FH doesn't call me pet names. (Except sometimes "pretty girl" or "pretty [Salix]", if that counts.) FH hasn't said he loves me. (And I don't think he will, because he is cynical like me about love and marriage and such.) FH spoils me rotten and looks and acts like he cares for me. FH doesn't push me to talk about anything I don't want to.
My head's a mess. I'm going to therapy now.
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