Recently my words don't flow as easily. It isn't that things aren't going on. More things go on than I know what to do with. I have so much packed into every day that they all are blurring together. But I haven't been able to write about anything, not here, not in my notebook, nowhere.
Lately (as in yesterday and today), the idea of writing has not been so unbearable. I have hope. It sucks not being able to put words to paper. It's hard to keep my thoughts straight.
I binged tonight.
I've been eating 3 meals a day for two months now and I'm still binging. I'm almost at my high weight. I'm at a weight which is objectively unhealthy. I'm objectively fat. I'm subjectively grotesque. My loose loose jeans are tight.
I'm not dealing well.
Everything is very stressful lately. I have too much work. Things with FH are complicated (not necessarily bad, just complicated). I haven't slept properly in weeks. I feel anxious all the time. I haven't had a full-on panic attack yet but there have been several instances of almost-panic which luckily I got under control in time. My chest has been tight.
When I said I needed something to change, I meant it.
I thought about your comment a lot. You aren't selfish, you're overwhelmed. Just because you can't fit everything in doesn't mean you're selfish or even obligated to try.
ReplyDeleteOne thing at a time, eh?
Is the bingeing because of the barely suppressed anxiety? If so, then tackling the feelings would come before trying to solve the bingeing, right?
And as for MG...I'm pretty sure he's nothing like FH. While I don't think he'd flip out emotionally, MG lacks emotional sensitivity.
I think (and he thinks as well) that he has asperger's; he also feels that if it isn't an autism spectrum disorder, schizoid personality disorder might fit him as well.
Emotional intimacy with him seems to be off the table, and being that vulnerable, talking about my ED might just wind up damaging me instead of creating a better understanding between us.
I'm going to blog more about it/him soon.