Today I am depressed and pointless.
I find it difficult to deal with rejection. This might be something of an understatement. It's just - there's not much that I like about myself - and it's easier to like myself if someone else does too, because then when I tell my brain to "shut up, you're being irrational/disordered", it has more of a ring of truth. Because I know other people are more objective about me and about my body than I am. So it's easier to fight my disorderly thoughts with someone else's judgment. Otherwise I just feel like I'm lying to myself, because I know I don't truly believe anything I think. I'm too irrational to accept anything from myself as true.
So this - all of this - this M and FH mess - is throwing me into a gigantic fucked-up spiral. Because suddenly no one wants me, no one finds me attractive - for pete's sake, I can parade around with my tits out and FH has no reaction at all, not even a purely physiological one. So now the count of who-likes-my-body/my-self has plummeted from 1.5 (1 FH, 0.5 M - because I've never been sure what's going on in M's head, and perhaps sex is sex for him and he doesn't need to like my body to have it) to 0. I've never liked my body; I'm repulsed by my body - my begrudging acceptance of it comes only at the price of someone else being attracted to it. Without that, I have no reason not to slip back into disorder. (not that I ever got out anyway, really...but also not that I'll ever be strong enough to win/lose)
I don't understand why I can't just let this go, why I can't just be happy.
Maybe because you put too much emphasis on your body as the main attraction, and your confidence in everything else you have going on has atrophied.
ReplyDeleteConfidence is the sexiest quality anyone can possess or display and it can come from any number of sources, but the moment it disappears can make even a gorgeous woman seem less appealing. Like wilted lettuce.
Grow your confidence in yourself, your abilities, your savvy way of looking at the world, and walking through it. That counts for much more than the body and requires zero outside confirmation. Plus it lasts longer than looks anyway.
Embrace who you are. The rest will tumble into place.
Xoxox
We all hate our bodies. Even women without EDs have learned in this day and age to start hating their bodies practically from toddlerhood. It's a proxy. It's always been a proxy. Hating the body is a way to control the self. Mortification of the flesh in modern times, so to speak. To force the self to conform to the ideal by rigidly restricting the body.
ReplyDeleteBut the body isn't the means to perfection or love or success. Placing so much importance on it obscures reality, as we all have seen in our personal experiences, not to mention played out in the pages of tabloids in grocery check out aisles everywhere.
If academia is killing your perception of who you are and what you're good at and where you belong, is it a healthy place for you to be? Is it a desirable goal for you to attain if it comes at the cost of your self-integration?
I dunno if those questions are helpful, but they're what I wonder if your confidence is eroding and your self-hatred is rising.
Take care of the you that needs to outlast your present context.
As for how I feel, I feel better physically, not better mentally/emotionally. But I blame that on circumstances, low intake and high frustration. I took a couple Zzzquil an couple hours ago. Gonna put in ear plugs and sleep this malaise off, maybe.
<3
While I understand why it is so, our acceptance of our bodies should not be derived solely from how they are seen by others. It's so indescribably fucked up that a female's worth is based solely on her looks (or ability to spawn males) and a male's worth is based of his abilities and achievements.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, with ED or without, to get over centuries of cultural programming in bodyhatred. Our bodies ARE. They get us around and let us do things and don't do anything bad to us (Unless you have a genetic disorder that is actively trying to kill you) and yet we are taught to hate them for no damn good reason.
Don't let the tossers of the world push you back to Ed, they're not worth the pain or time!
Our worth should not come from how anyone else perceives our physical state. Find a few things you like about yourself (The don't have to be physical things!) and work out from there. You're not just the car you drive, you know :p (People don't seem to realise this, hence the large number of penis extensions driving around the CBD when the office people go to work)
Many squiddy hugs to you. I hope you have a better day tomorrow <3 Good luck with the writing of thecal matter <3