I think December is just going to have to be written off.  Honestly, at this point, I'll be ecstatic with just a maintenence of weight.  Especially since I'm allowing a binge day on Christmas.

Sometimes I suspect that holidays were created just as an excuse for eating.  Ugh.  Who needs 'em?  I don't even WANT to go home.  I want to stay here, isolated in my apartment, where I can do/not do whatever I want whenever I want.  It's so much nicer to be on my own.

D. is coming over in a bit.  I don't really want him to see me right now, as I am disgusting beyond all possible reason.  But I do want to see him.

I honestly wish I could make myself puke.  I know it is ineffective (though surely it works better than laxatives...but then, I don't have any of those right now either) and terribly damaging, but I still want it.  I can't handle this trying to be normal.  D. eats SO MUCH.  More than a regular person, I am sure.  I'm usually pretty good at making excuses...but I know he wants to take me out (why why WHY does courtship revolve around food?  I know it is a social thing, but really!) sometimes--and in fact, tonight he txted early to make sure I'd be available for dinner (one of my more common excuses is that I already ate/am in the process of cooking food).

And I don't want to jeopardize our relationship by letting my fucked-up food problems get involved.  I really like D. 

I am so sick of this!  I don't want to do it anymore!  I wish I could go places without having to worry whether food will be involved or not.  I wish I could go out to eat like a normal person without thinking about how little I can get away with.  I wish I could eat without automatically slipping into binge mode.  I wish I didn't like the feeling of lightness, wish I didn't crave to fill the empty spaces, wish I could sort my feelings out without resorting to food.

I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL.  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Wheee finally done with exams!  Still slogging through grad applications though...

Roomies and I are having a party tonight to celebrate end of finals.  Movies, baked goods, hot drinks, etc.  Only tea for me (I hope)!  Celestial Seasonings Gingerbread Spice...delish.  Plus it makes the apartment smell sooooo good.

I have been so bad lately...PMS is no excuse!  But I'm finally over that time of the month (thank God), so maybe now I'll be able to get myself back under control?  (Keep your fingers crossed!)  Yesterday was a liquid-only day...yummy coffee and orange juice and peach-flavored water and a low-cal energy drink for studying.  Today so far only my usual 6 AM exam treat: a soy cappucino.  I treated myself extra and got a grande instead of a tall (I was so tired!  I definitely needed it to get through that final!), so 110 cals instead of 80.  But that's ok!  Today it is ok.

Hope all you lovelies are doing well!  :)

Exams are bad.

Intake is horrendous.

I am still alive though.

Maybe post more later.

If I survive this week intact.

No motivation this morning.

I have a quiz and a lab final in 1.5 hrs and yet I cannot bring myself to get out of bed and prep for either.

I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

At least I do not want to eat.

I am full of failure.  I have binged like a ravening beast today, ending November on what is surely the worst feeling I have had in a long time.  (I feel so awful right now, so sick.  This is the first true binge in about 3 weeks...I was doing SO WELL...I had forgotten this truly horrendous feeling.  I hope to whatever god there may be that I remember this and it deters me next time.  Ugh.  I cannot even bear to consider what the scale will say tomorrow.)

BUT.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow is a new month.  The last month of 2009, in fact. 

I have changed so much over this past year.  I am a completely different person right now than I was one year ago. 

My challenge in December is to continue this trend.

Procrastinating still.

The housemates return today.  The apartment has been cold and silent in their absence.  Serene.

She is visiting this week.  Not sure exactly when.  Not to see me, of course--never that!  The thought is laughable at best.  We were never really friends anyway.  She was always his friend first and foremost. 

I am not sure whether I hope I see her or I hope I don't.  I am not thin enough to see her yet.

If she does see me, I want her to see me with D.  I want to look amazing.  I want her to see that I am happy now, without him.  I want her to be jealous.  I want her to eat her words (childish, self-centered, all your fault, everything, it's all your fault).

Not sure if this makes me a bad person.  But you know what?  Right now, I really don't fucking care.

Bluh.  I am in SUCH a bingey mood right now.  And I know it's just because I'm stressed because of all the shit I have to do today that I'm procrastinating on right now.  I know that.  It's not helping.  I am like two seconds away from I-don't-know-what. 

Auuugh and I did so well over Thanksgiving!

I cannot ruin this.  I have been making so much progress.  I have not had a calorific binge in so long.  I can do this.  I will be strong.  (I'm going crazy right now...)