HOLY FUCK, YOU GUYS.

FH wants to date me.

What do I do?

AAAAUUUUGHHHH

This is a bad bad bad idea.  We work in the same department.  We were planning on being housemates next year.  My heart is still raw over D.

He kissed me.

HELP!!!

According to FB today, D and F are in a relationship.  I wish that didn't hurt like it does.  But maybe now I can move on.

I still don't have many words.  What is there to say?

Oh well, back to work.  Too much to do that's due to think about silly things like D.

Survived this week and so even though I still have intense amounts of work to do, stress levels have decreased exponentially.  It helps that the weather has been warm and sunshine-y and that today is Day #4 of no binging.

Right now I am food-stressing because I need to go to the store and get some brown-bag lunch items for boat days this weekend + Monday.  And I am not feeling 100% non-binge-y.  But I have to go, because all I have in the fridge right now is an apple, a bag of baby carrots, and some Powerade Zero.  And all I have in my cupboard is tea and oatmeal and several different varieties of soup, both canned and in packets (and as I have mentioned before, soup + boats = disaster).  So yes.  Must go to store and get normal-people-lunch-foods.  Wrap or sandwich fixin's.  (That's the southern girl in me coming out.  Fixin's, y'all!)

I am gonna take tonight off.  Watch some Hulu.  Write M a long-overdue email.  Maybe start on the book FH lent me.  Go to sleep early.

It's going to be wonderful.  :)

This song makes me cry.  (Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri)

And I wish I were strong like her, strong enough to say no if D wanted me back.  I don't think I am.  So I guess it's a good thing he doesn't.

Still here.  Tired and lots of work.  Advisor wants 1.5 yrs of data analyzed by this Friday plus classwork.

Got an A on my midterms though.

Going to go listen to music in the lab now.

Treble Tentacle by Meg Lyman

It has been one week and I still feel very broken.

And I still haven't really got any words.  I spent yesterday crying and sleeping instead of working.  Everything just seems very pointless and I have difficulty with motivating myself.  I just don't care.  I've been binging too.

I know that as long as I keep going that things will get better eventually.  That seems so very far away. I wish I wish I wish I could feel better right now.  I am impatient to be happy again.

I think things would be easier if D were having trouble getting over me.  But I know he's not.  It is like I never existed.  After a year and a half together, I left no impact on his life.  How depressing is that?

Whatever.  I have people who love me.  I have trouble reaching out but I'm trying.

Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop with H doing homework together because I did not want to be alone and because H is wonderful.

I am struggling to care about these midterm essays and my upcoming committee meeting.  Boat week next week.  Maybe that will help me begin caring again.

It's over and I'm just ow.  Don't worry if I disappear for a bit.  It's just that I have no words left in me anymore.