Well, apparently J did not think it was an awkward/awful date.  He texted today to say happy easter.

D's been on skype all day.  Not talking to me, of course.  6 days until the wedding.  I'm still being emo about him.  :(  Love me, D.  Love me love me love me.  Maybe if I wish for it hard enough, he will.

Thank goodness for FH.  He texted to tell me to come to game night at his house tonight.  Yay more socialization and not so much moping about D.  FH is such a good guy.

Just need to finish writing this essay and reading my class papers...

Well, that was the most awkward, awful experience ever.  Is that what dating is normally like?

I cried all the way home.

I just want D.

On my way home from work, I stopped at the store and bought an adorable new dress for L's art show next weekend.  (It was cheap, too!  Half off!)

Actually, I bought two adorable dresses, one fuzzy black sweater because I have a severe lack of warm clothing (I didn't need it in the south!), and one black blouse for semi-dressy occasions (such as presentations or conferences).  And I ACTUALLY SORT OF ENJOYED IT.  I think this is the first time I have ever in my life enjoyed clothes shopping.

Don't get me wrong, my body still looks all weird and lumpy in the mirror, but clothing is definitely fitting me better.  The increased self-esteem is probably helping as well.

I had lunch with H today.  My jaw still hurts.  I hope that goes away soon.  But at least I ate something besides soup, right?  Right.

It's been a good day.  And tomorrow is looking like one too.  Warm (ish) and sunshine, yay!

<3

I must be grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw in my sleep or something, because it has been OW PAINFUL all day.  Even if I felt like chewing anything I wouldn't be able to.  I cannot open my mouth wide and I cannot bite down at all without pain.

My father emailed me today and apparently things have been badly with him.  This explains the long silence since his last email.  It really bothers me how my family neglects to tell me things.  Apparently 2 weeks ago my dad had to be hospitalized again, with a serious enough issue that he had to go to the specialist hospital a state over instead of the one in my hometown.  He later tried to drive himself home and jumped a curb.  The police made him call my mother so she could come pick him up.  He's been having issues since then too, but mild enough to be treated in the local hospital.

But yeah.  Today's email is the first I have heard of any of this.  WHY DOES NO ONE EVER TELL ME ANYTHING???

(And yes, I have expressed repeatedly to my mother and father that their nondisclosure bothers me and that I prefer to be kept in the loop.)

Today I went through my email account and deleted every single one to/from D.  Also deleted our old Skype conversations.  He got online just before the lab meeting started (and just after I'd gotten the email from my father) and so there was 10 minutes of mild freak-out, quelled quickly out of necessity since I had to run the meeting.

Sometimes I really hate D for making me feel like this.  (Yes, I know he does not control my emotions; I do.  But you understand what I mean.)

I made a list.  Here it is.

Things that were Not So Great about D:

1. the present thing
• I am not the most low-maintenance person in the world.  This is undeniable.  But really it's my emotions and irrationality and shit that make me high-maintenance.  I am not high-maintenance in the stereotypical guy pays for everything, requires presents all the time, stuff like that.  I almost always pay for myself and I try not to expect presents.  (Though secretly--and I feel guilty for this because it feels selfish--I did wish that D would treat a bit more and would bring/send me flowers on occasion and maybe even random presents.  Nothing expensive or anything; just little things that let me know he's thinking about me.  He used to do that more often--he got me a dozen red roses on our first valentine's day, and he made me homemade spicy hummus once (using a green bell pepper as the bowl--how cool is that?).  I guess that second one ties into Thing #2 on this list as well.)  
• But then later on, that all stopped.  I think it was probably about the time that I left, so maybe long-distance has something to do with it, and yeah, it can legitimately be hard to coordinate presents and such via mail.  But the thing that bothered me was that he kept saying, "Oh, I have this great present in mind for you, I just haven't got it yet."  ACTUALLY, you know what?  I'm wrong.  It started when I graduated.  Because he told me he had an awesome graduation gift, which he never actually gave me.  And when I teased him about it a month or two later, he said that he was planning to combine it with my going-away present.  Which also never actually happened.  
• On the night before I left, we'd been planning to have a mushy date--go out to dinner, go to our special spot on the beach and watch the sunset.  I dressed up in my flow-y white dress specially just for him.  And he was 3 hours late.  I waited and waited on the beach.  It was full dark by the time he got there.  I was in the process of leaving because I'd finally decided he wasn't going to show at all.  We didn't get dinner; all the restaurants were closed/closing.  He was full of apologies, of course, and let me stay the night at his house, I guess to try and make it up to me.  It was the worst farewell night ever.
• His anniversary present to me was a month late (though granted, it was an amazing present).
• He bought my Christmas present the day before Christmas.  Two DVDs.  Way to put some thought into it, D.  Very romantic.  They were movies that we had seen together, so I guess it could have been worse?  And I suppose that we were sort of even...I also got him a DVD and a video game.  But they were ones that I knew he wanted; he'd put them on his wishlist.  Whereas there is a reason I don't own any DVDs (besides these two, now)...I never watch movies alone.  Also, I do not have a TV and the DVD drive on my computer does not work.  I will never be able to watch these movies.  WOW I feel like an ungrateful bitch right now.  I'm just pointing out, the whole thing seems a bit thoughtless.  Even given D's high levels of stress over grad school apps at the time.
• The whole "I've got this spectacular present planned, I just haven't gotten around to getting it yet" thing happened for this Valentine's Day.  I never got that present.  (But he did end up telling me what it was going to have been--a jar of sand from our special spot on the beach.  AWWW.  D can be totally sweet and romantic sometimes.)
• I really, truly, honestly don't mind if you don't get me presents.  I mean, I love it when you do.  I love it because it shows you care and that you think about me.  Price tags don't matter to me at all; homemade is equivalent if not better than storebought.  I know it's totally cliche to say that it's the thought that counts, but I really feel that it's true.  But I'm tangent-ing here.  The point is: I don't care if you don't get me presents.  But don't tell me you are and then not follow through.  That's pretty much breaking your word.  And if you are going to, like for an anniversary or something, don't be late with it.  A few days to a week, fine.  It's hard to time mail properly.  But any more than that and it starts seeming like you don't even care enough to bother.
2. his over-concern about my ED
• this is an example of a good thing gone overboard.  It's totally sweet of him and I love that he's so considerate of my feelings.  He tries really really hard to understand and to make absolutely sure I am comfortable.  But sometimes I just want to pretend to be normal.  And that's really difficult when he's constantly asking if I'm okay.  It makes me very self-aware and then sometimes I have the complete opposite reaction than what I think he's aiming for--I start feeling like maybe I shouldn't be okay.  
• Most of the time (99%) I really do love how considerate he is about the ED.  And it isn't fair of me to expect him to read my mind--there's no possible way he could tell what I'm feeling when.  I mean, hell, half the time I can't either.  So this issue is not really something he can change.
• The other thing is that I really love it when he cooks for me.  It's adorable and caring.  Also, the man is freaken' sexy in the kitchen (don't ask me why; I don't know).  And a great cook too.  But I think he's been more and more hesitant to do it.  And I'm almost certain it's because of the ED.  I mentioned on here once that he was cooking dinner for me and that I was anxious about it because I would have to eat, and he read that and I think he's reading more into it than I meant.  I was/am anxious NOT because he is cooking for me.  I like it when he cooks for me.  I get anxious because I have to eat PERIOD.  I wouldn't be any less anxious in any other situation that involved food.  In fact, I'm probably less anxious about his cooking than I am in a restaurant situation--partly because of the whole eating-in-public anxiety, partly because I know he makes an effort to make me food which is relatively safe.
• And here's where the hummus-present comes back in.  I should note that this happened before he knew anything about the ED.  I'm pretty certain that now he would never dream of giving me food as a present.  The thing is though, that I wouldn't object.  It was so sweet of him.  He was so proud of it and it was so adorable.  And yes, I did binge on it later.  (And it was spicy and delicious.)  BUT that did not lessen my appreciation of the gift at all.  
• I just get tired sometimes of being treated with kid-gloves.  Like I'm a time-bomb or whatever.  You know what?  My food anxiety should not be your problem to worry about.  I can handle it most times just fine on my own.  I really appreciate your desire to help me.  But I can take care of myself.  And I really just sometimes want to be normal.  I want to cook dinner with you.  I want to experiment with recipes.  I want to go out and try new restaurants and foods I've never eaten before.  I want you to not have to think twice before you suggest something food-related.  I want to share food with you just because we feel like sharing, not because I'm being anxious.
• I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.
• I guess this is really more of a my problem instead of a D-problem and, as such, shouldn't be on the list.  But I'm keeping it here because it took me ages to type all that out.  And also I have mentioned D's tendency to categorize things and then not re-categorize, and I worry that even if/when I have improved enough to be less anxious around food that he will still be acting like I am the old, anxious Salix.  And that will encourage me to be more anxious, because I am so goddamn good at being what people expect.  Even though I'm working on that, I know that I'm still doing it unconsciously.  It's a hard habit to break, especially since I've had it for as long as I can remember.
3. the sex thing
• it's kind of funny; for all that I bitched and complained about sex-stuff with D before, it's not what I'm missing now.  But I'm including it on the list because it did bother me before.  I'm not asking him to have sex with me or anything.  I just really wish he were more comfortable with his sexuality.  Sometimes I feel badly for being comfortable with mine when I'm around him--it makes me feel like a slut.  I know I shouldn't be ashamed of being comfortable with my sexuality; that's a good thing to be.  But sometimes I feel that way.  (And his obvious dislike of performing oral sex on me makes me feel really repulsive and undesirable.)
4. the lack of planning and commitment
• D is ADHD.  I realize it's very difficult for him to plan ahead.  But OH WOW does that stress me out.  I have my schedules planned out literally weeks to months in advance.  Very last-minute things are stressful (I don't mean minor things, like randomly deciding to go out for a movie or something.  I mean things like buying plane tickets and planning week-long or longer visits.  I NEED TO KNOW whether you are actually coming to visit me more than a day in advance!)
• And the commitment thing is sort of obvious.  We all know how badly I deal with uncertainty.
5. the arrogance (sometimes)
• a certain amount of arrogance is hot.  At least on D, it is anyway.  I haven't tested this out with anyone else, but it's probably true--self-confidence is sexy and the line between confidence and arrogance is quite thin at times.  And D can get away with it; he's very very intelligent and he knows it.  But he can go a bit too far.  He sometimes comes off as looking down on anyone that he places at a lower intelligence/talent level than himself, and unfortunately that is mostly everyone.  I think he really believes that he is smarter than pretty much everyone else around him.  And it isn't like he's mean about it.  He doesn't make fun or anything.  He's just...condescending.  I don't take being condescended to very well.  He doesn't do it to me all that much (I guess he thinks I'm more on his level?  I should probably be honored by that), but he does it to others and it bothers the hell out of me.
• this one's a minor issue; as I said, he doesn't do it all the time.  I doubt he even realizes he does it, because if he did he would stop.  I find it very difficult to believe that D would ever purposefully do that; I think it's mostly a subconscious thing.  
• I also think that grad school will change that.  Assuming his experience is even a tiny bit like mine.  It's a very humbling process.

WAH that was long.  To make up for the babble, here's an adorable picture:

Squishy Dragon by Meg Lyman

*DIES OF CUTENESS*

Also, fricken' B keeps texting me every five seconds.  I AM TRYING TO WORK HERE.  YOU HAVE ASKED ME HOW MY DAY WAS 5 TIMES AND I HAVE TOLD YOU IT WAS FINE 5 TIMES.

Really I am being very ungrateful right now; I should be happy that someone cares enough to check in on me every night.  But I do not have the time for 3 hours of texts every few minutes every night.  Especially when they are devoid of content.  I have a fricken' essay to write and this presentation for the lab meeting tomorrow (a meeting which I am in charge of organizing) and I have to get all the raw data from last week's boat trips entered into the data spreadsheet and organized, and analyze the acoustics files, and read 3 more papers, AND do laundry and clean my room because it is a fucking mess.  I am not kidding.  The floor is essentially not visible.  TIME FOR YOUR TEXTS, I DO NOT HAZ.

I'm also starting to feel like B only texts me when he's bored or wants to complain about his job.

I feel terribly ungrateful and stressed and cranky right now.  :(

Therapist did not ask about intake, so I did not lie about it.

Therapist also wonders if the stress of uncertainty has to do with the binging.  She notes that the not binging has been correlated to a decrease in uncertainty about my thesis stuff and the disappearance of the uncertainty over the D situation (though frankly, I still think there is a fuckton of uncertainty there).  I also note that the 2-3 days I did feel slightly binge-urge-y were the few days before D's conference, when I was uncertain whether he'd send me his schedule and want to see me, etc.  However, correlation does not equal causation.  I think there's a high chance all that is coincidental.  Also, I note that the intense anxiety and uncertainty produced whenever D gets online does not trigger binge-urges.

I don't know.  Stress over uncertainty might be a binge trigger.  I don't think it's as related to D as therapist thinks.  I think it is more internally based.  We talked about ways I can work on reducing uncertainty (short-term: plans, plans, and more plans, with lots of just-in-case scenarios.  Long-term: figuring out "me" and being okay with me, not trying to be what I think others want me to be).

Therapist thinks I am doing well.  Of course, she doesn't know about the low intakes of late.  And I am feeling pretty good. But I don't know how much of that is due to the restriction-invincibility.  You start believing that you don't actually need food.  After all, you've been doing just fine without it.  Eating becomes something that happens to other people.  Not you.  Because why would you?  Preparing food, chewing, swallowing...too much time, too much effort.  Not necessary.  And I feel good.  No scary spells, no fuzziness, not even any light-headedness when I stand up too fast (well, maybe once or twice, but only in the middle of the night).

I keep stepping on the scale in the morning, expecting to see a number 20 lbs higher than it actually is right now.  I don't look any skinnier in the mirror.  My face, maybe a bit thinner.  My collarbone sticks out a tiny bit more.  Everything else is just the same fattiness as always.

And I know--I know--that the Amy's vegan spinach-tofu wrap (270 cals) sitting in my freezer right now will not magically make me gain 20 lbs.  It's just not physically possible.  But somehow my brain firmly believes that is what will happen.

I find it hilarious and somewhat ironic that I've sort of accidentally ended up studying consumption, metabolism, and growth.  Energy intakes and outputs.  Sure, it's for fish instead of people, but it's funny nonetheless.

Don't worry; I'll eat eventually.  Lunch with H on Friday.  And there's always soup.

My skin has been dry lately.  I need to remember to use more lotion.  Especially on my hands.  I will end up with fisherman's hands, all dry and callused.

When I was a kid, I was always the teacher's pet (it helped that I was too shy to actually talk until 7th grade).  My mom would go to the parent-teacher conferences and come home and tell me how the teacher raved about how nice and quiet and well-behaved I was.  And then conclude with, "Boy, you've really got them fooled, don't you?  Why don't you act like that around here?"  I was the Bad Child in our household.

I wonder if that's one of the reasons I have this notion that Good Salix is all an act?