Instead of doing my homework tonight, I went out with my friend because she said I needed to get my mind off FH.  Except it ended up being 2 couples and me and we played the boardgame I played with FH the first time I went to his house.

I feel dissociated and sad and lonely.

Also it's midnight so I should probably do this homework now.

Sometimes I really fucking miss gymnastics.  I miss my old body, I miss my old strength.  I miss being so focused on practice.  I miss maybe the thought, the idea, the feeling of gymnastics rather than the gym.  I don't miss my teammates, because I was always sort of an outcast anyway.  I do miss the sense of being home.  I have not felt that in quite some time.

One of my labmates sent me a paper with the comment, "I thought you might find this article on ED useful".  I did a double-take, then realized that he was referring to energy densities.

I'm staying at a friend's house this week, trying to give myself & FH some space.  I think things are through and that makes me sad.  But if he's not willing to work with me...what else can I do?  I've tried everything I could think of.  I cannot be the only one here putting in effort.  He needs to want to be with me, and right now he doesn't know if he wants that.  Fair enough.

My self-esteem is kind of shit right now because of all the FH drama.  I think being away from it will be good for me.  I miss my fluffy kitty though.  

I haven't decided how long I'm staying here or what to do next.  I left FH a note saying, "I think it's best if I leave for a while.  You know where to find me if you want to talk."  But I don't think he will want to talk.  I suspect that by doing this I have sort of put an end to everything.  It's sad.  I'm sad about it.

Oh well.  Shit happens.  Everything will come out in the wash.

More work to do tonight before sleep can happen.  Need to keep myself busy and ace my meetings this week.

Olga Korbut

I'm still here.  I'll catch back up eventually, I swear.  I'm behind in everything.  Less sleep, more work.  Fought with FH & now he's not speaking to me.  We're very mature.  I'm thinking seriously about moving out when our lease is up in August.

I hate grad school.

Also, the new Blogger layout sucks.

Today I overslept and that poor start carried through the rest of the day.  Class, then rush downtown to work.  7 hours at work, then back to lab and here I am now.  Got to finish these samples for processing tomorrow, then read 3 more papers (actually 5, but I'm saying "fuck it" and skipping the 2 for tomorrow's lecture.  I'll pretend to know what the prof is talking about), then finish filling in the data tabulation sheet, then...sleep?  I don't remember and my calendar isn't in front of me, so I can't be sure.  My head doesn't have enough capacity for scheduling anymore, so I stick everything on my calendar in colorful little blocks of time, 2 hours here, 3 hours there, and follow along like a little robot.  Except, of course, when I slack (like now) and get behind.

I'm suddenly on-call for fieldwork tomorrow, so there goes all that time.  My time blocks will have to shift forwards a day.  Not so much a viable solution.  I have presentations Wednesday & Friday.  The one on Friday I have not even started data analysis.

Grad school = caffeine pills washed down with coffee.

When I get home I'm going for a run.  Only about an hour more of lab work...

Ran tonight and no binge and I feel fucking fantastic.  Now 1 more hour work then sleep.

I haven't been talking about food lately.  It's not going well.  I'm binging pretty much every day and have been for a while.  I feel puffy and gross.

I'm ashamed to talk about food because I'm supposed to be recovering.  And I'm not.  I'm doing as poorly as I've ever done.  I want to just not-eat anymore.  I can't deal with food.  I'm trying to eat 3 times a day, but clearly I can't handle that.  And then I freak out and binges happen.  It's like I'm not even trying.

At least I'm running though.  That's good.  I can only bring myself to go when it gets dark--I can't handle the idea of people watching me.  And I didn't go yesterday.  I went to my friend's house and had dinner & wine.  So maybe I'll run tonight instead.  

I told Advisor that I am drowning slightly and he said I needed to learn how to say no.  Maybe so.  It's 2 pm on a Saturday and it's homework time.  I wish my laptop worked better outside because it's beautiful out today.  Spring is finally here.  I hope to hell it stays; I'm so sick of the cold & grey.