For two days now I have gone running, and for two days I have eaten without binging.  I know that's not really a long time, but given how yucky I've been doing food/exercise-wise...yeah.  I feel good.  Gotta start somewhere, after all.  (Also I still have endorphins kicking around in my brain.)

Little more coding, then sleepy times.

:)

So I finally got up the nerve to weigh myself today...and I'm 3lbs away from my highest weight ever.  What? No.  No no no.  This will not stand.  I refuse to be that weight ever ever again.

I guess I'm not surprised.  I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror for a while now and I've still been eating ALL THE THINGS.  But it stops now.  I have 5 months until this stupid wedding (not mine, obviously, a friend's) and I am damn well going to look nice in my dress.

I went to the gym tonight and did not binge today (though nor did I eat regular meals - oh man, here I go with the stupid all-or-nothing thinking again), so that's a pretty good start.

Other good things: I got the teaching position I applied for, so funding worries are now replaced by time worries (2 part-time jobs + the fucking thesis = WHEN DO I SLEEP??).  My boss at part-time job 1 (not the teaching one) is pleased with my work and said good things about it today.  I've hit an "I don't care" wall, so I am not stressing out as much about the thesis (I'll start panicking soon, I'm sure).

FH and I are half the time great and half the time not-great.  But it's affecting me less now, which I think is a good sign.  I feel bad for him though - I've been very hot'n'cold lately as I try and figure out what I want and how to handle the situation.

The whole M thing is still kinda bugging me.  :(

That's all.  My life is basically same old same old.

Here: haz a cute.

Considering how desperately I want to be done with all this shit, you'd think I'd be working harder.  My motivation is at an all-time low.  Feels like nothing I do matters anymore.

I just need to suck it up and write.  Of course I'm not making progress.  I'm not working, how could I be making progress?

I'm obsessed with Fiona Apple lately.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F76BU-tMI3Q

Fireworks tonight.  Happy 4th, everyone.  xoxo

So I moved back home.  Saturday.  It’s okay so far.  I still feel a little awkward.  FH & Y don’t seem to notice.  I talked to FH last Thursday and everything is up in the air with “us”.  Silly boy was apparently waiting for me to be ready to talk to him while I was waiting for him to be ready to talk to me.  I thought the note I’d left made it clear that talking was up to him, but…maybe not?  I really don’t think we communicate well.  The two serious conversations we’ve had thus far (Thursday and then again Saturday) support this hypothesis. 

From what I understand, he wants to take things slow and see where they end up.  He’s perfectly happy being “very close friends” or being more.  He views relationships on a continuum and so my efforts to distinguish friendship from more largely fail.  BUT I don’t think I’m happy living with him if we’re just going to be friends.  If we’re just going to be friends, then I think I need more time to get over him and get beyond all this shit before I can even interact with him again.  That’s what I thought, anyway.  The past few days haven’t been that bad…but maybe that’s because it’s not like we are just friends, it’s still like there’s the possibility of more there. 

The reason he backed off before was apparently (again, what I think based on what he said) that I was coming across as too “dependent”, which is a REALLY big issue for him.  FH is very very independent and would probably rather die than depend on someone else.  One of his favorite quotes is Nietzsche, "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."  Apparently that extends to not wanting anyone else to depend on him.  And me, with my self-esteem issues etc., of course I come off as dependent.  (Also, why the hell did he never say this shit to me?  I asked him, and he says he did.  God, we really can’t communicate AT ALL, can we?  This is not even a language barrier; he’s almost completely fluent in English, only gets tripped up on idioms sometimes.)

About the lease, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  It’s really nice being back home.  I love our apartment.  I love the neighborhood.  FH & Y are great housemates, aside from the FH relationship thing.  They even do most of the cleaning (especially the bathroom and cat’s litter box, two cleaning chores I absolutely detest).  I really really really don’t want to go through the hassle of moving—packing, transport, unpacking….EW.  I have accumulated TOO MUCH STUFF to do it all in one carload (plus my car is tiny) and so I just don’t want to.  The cat would be sad to move too.  Plus it will be tough as hell to find a nice, affordable, cat-friendly place.  I have a temporary place to go if I need to—but it doesn’t allow cats.  And I won’t get rid of my kitty.

When I talked with FH, I said that I would be uncomfortable in the house, even if we were totally broken up, if he brought another girl home.  He agreed readily not to do that, actually laughed at me for worrying about it.  Of course he’s okay with me bringing another guy home (he’s always been okay with me dating other guys).  I reiterated that I wasn’t okay with him dating other girls if we were not totally broken up.  He seemed shocked that I would even think to mention it. 

I don’t know.  FH is always saying that I live in a black & white world whereas his world is a big grey blob.  But I think sometimes the entirely opposite thing.  For FH, he decided at the beginning of our relationship not to date other girls because I was not okay with it.  And so in his mind that is fixed and set and why would I think his feeling on that issue has changed?  Whereas I go, well I know you said that before, but that was when you and I were really happy together and right now we’re not and you don’t even seem attracted to me anymore, so…why wouldn’t it have changed?  FH thinks that people don’t change.  I think that people are always changing.

And FH wants to go slowly.  He says it will take time to re-evaluate the “needy” view of me (he didn’t put it that way, but that’s my interpretation).  I asked, if people don’t change, and my past actions made you think of me as dependent, then how will time help?  He’s adamant that he’s asking me not to change—I originally took all of this as him asking me to change, to become less dependent (which admittedly would be good for me and is a change that I want—I want to be more independent), and he was highly surprised that I thought that (you see what I mean about miscommunications between the two).  I don’t really know how he thinks that will work out then.  He said something about reinterpretation of my actions with the filter that I’m not dependent…but it seems to me that he’ll just come to the same conclusion (that I am) unless I change my actions to make it very clear that I am not.  But you know, all the ways in which I would change my actions to be more independent are things that would be good for me, so maybe I should do it regardless of what he’s thinking.

So my resolution at the moment is the same as always: put me first more.  If he’s going to be all indecisive and confusing—I have no time for that.  He can do whatever he wants.  I’m going to continue acting as though we’re friends.  I’m going to stop trying to include him in my activities.  I’m going to try new activities (recently I started rock climbing.  It’s fun!  Next on my list is to get back into kayaking.  Or swing dance.  Or try sailing.  …or finish my godawful thesis…).  I might even start dating.  I told FH, “You aren’t willing or maybe you’re not able to give me what I want out of a relationship.  So I need to be open to other opportunities.”

And the lease thing…I guess I’ll decide soon.

FH still won't talk to me.  M says "we can't be friends any longer" but won't give me an explanation why not.  Advisor told me that basically the work I'm doing (that he pushed me into in the first place) won't be publishable.  Which means I've essentially wasted 2 years of my life and won't be able to get into a good PhD program.  I got in a car accident.  No one was hurt (except my car).  None of the funding sources I've applied to have gotten back to me.  I don't know what I'll do if they don't soon.  I can't afford to pay tuition for next quarter.  I'm not enrolled this quarter because I couldn't afford it.  If I'm going to graduate, I have to be enrolled next quarter.  I need to make a decision about whether to renew the lease with FH & Y.  It would be stupid to do so, I know, but I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even bear to think about finding a new place and moving in less than a month.  I'm moving back there this weekend; I've run out of friends' houses to crash.  And I can't afford to pay extra utilities/rent anymore.


Broken heart over FH and M.  Broken spirit over this horrible thesis.  Broken hopes of going to another school for my PhD--my only shot at a good program is to stay here and hope that they'll overlook my lack of publications because they know me.  Broken car.  At least my body's intact still.

I don't know what the hell's going on in my life.  I'm still here, but my words are lacking.

I feel like crying tonight, a lot, but I have work to do, a lot.  Caffeine pill and upbeat music to combat my exhaustion and heartbreak.  After tomorrow I can sleep.

Instead of doing my homework tonight, I went out with my friend because she said I needed to get my mind off FH.  Except it ended up being 2 couples and me and we played the boardgame I played with FH the first time I went to his house.

I feel dissociated and sad and lonely.

Also it's midnight so I should probably do this homework now.