sorry i disappeared but i'll probably stay disappeared for a while. just need a little more time.
love,
salix
11/18/12
8/12/12
8/6/12
Today I am depressed and pointless.
I find it difficult to deal with rejection. This might be something of an understatement. It's just - there's not much that I like about myself - and it's easier to like myself if someone else does too, because then when I tell my brain to "shut up, you're being irrational/disordered", it has more of a ring of truth. Because I know other people are more objective about me and about my body than I am. So it's easier to fight my disorderly thoughts with someone else's judgment. Otherwise I just feel like I'm lying to myself, because I know I don't truly believe anything I think. I'm too irrational to accept anything from myself as true.
So this - all of this - this M and FH mess - is throwing me into a gigantic fucked-up spiral. Because suddenly no one wants me, no one finds me attractive - for pete's sake, I can parade around with my tits out and FH has no reaction at all, not even a purely physiological one. So now the count of who-likes-my-body/my-self has plummeted from 1.5 (1 FH, 0.5 M - because I've never been sure what's going on in M's head, and perhaps sex is sex for him and he doesn't need to like my body to have it) to 0. I've never liked my body; I'm repulsed by my body - my begrudging acceptance of it comes only at the price of someone else being attracted to it. Without that, I have no reason not to slip back into disorder. (not that I ever got out anyway, really...but also not that I'll ever be strong enough to win/lose)
I don't understand why I can't just let this go, why I can't just be happy.
I find it difficult to deal with rejection. This might be something of an understatement. It's just - there's not much that I like about myself - and it's easier to like myself if someone else does too, because then when I tell my brain to "shut up, you're being irrational/disordered", it has more of a ring of truth. Because I know other people are more objective about me and about my body than I am. So it's easier to fight my disorderly thoughts with someone else's judgment. Otherwise I just feel like I'm lying to myself, because I know I don't truly believe anything I think. I'm too irrational to accept anything from myself as true.
So this - all of this - this M and FH mess - is throwing me into a gigantic fucked-up spiral. Because suddenly no one wants me, no one finds me attractive - for pete's sake, I can parade around with my tits out and FH has no reaction at all, not even a purely physiological one. So now the count of who-likes-my-body/my-self has plummeted from 1.5 (1 FH, 0.5 M - because I've never been sure what's going on in M's head, and perhaps sex is sex for him and he doesn't need to like my body to have it) to 0. I've never liked my body; I'm repulsed by my body - my begrudging acceptance of it comes only at the price of someone else being attracted to it. Without that, I have no reason not to slip back into disorder. (not that I ever got out anyway, really...but also not that I'll ever be strong enough to win/lose)
I don't understand why I can't just let this go, why I can't just be happy.
8/1/12
Dear dude on the bus:
I'm aware that this is a vehicular contraption with limited space and a lot of passengers. I am also aware that you are larger than I am. However, neither of those things gives you the right to take up all of your seat and half of mine. I do not want your leg against mine. I do not want to spend my 45 minute ride squished into the window. I do not want to have to elbow you in order to get my ipod out of my pocket. STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
/rage
I'm aware that this is a vehicular contraption with limited space and a lot of passengers. I am also aware that you are larger than I am. However, neither of those things gives you the right to take up all of your seat and half of mine. I do not want your leg against mine. I do not want to spend my 45 minute ride squished into the window. I do not want to have to elbow you in order to get my ipod out of my pocket. STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
/rage
7/26/12
For two days now I have gone running, and for two days I have eaten without binging. I know that's not really a long time, but given how yucky I've been doing food/exercise-wise...yeah. I feel good. Gotta start somewhere, after all. (Also I still have endorphins kicking around in my brain.)
Little more coding, then sleepy times.
:)
7/16/12
So I finally got up the nerve to weigh myself today...and I'm 3lbs away from my highest weight ever. What? No. No no no. This will not stand. I refuse to be that weight ever ever again.
I guess I'm not surprised. I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror for a while now and I've still been eating ALL THE THINGS. But it stops now. I have 5 months until this stupid wedding (not mine, obviously, a friend's) and I am damn well going to look nice in my dress.
I went to the gym tonight and did not binge today (though nor did I eat regular meals - oh man, here I go with the stupid all-or-nothing thinking again), so that's a pretty good start.
Other good things: I got the teaching position I applied for, so funding worries are now replaced by time worries (2 part-time jobs + the fucking thesis = WHEN DO I SLEEP??). My boss at part-time job 1 (not the teaching one) is pleased with my work and said good things about it today. I've hit an "I don't care" wall, so I am not stressing out as much about the thesis (I'll start panicking soon, I'm sure).
FH and I are half the time great and half the time not-great. But it's affecting me less now, which I think is a good sign. I feel bad for him though - I've been very hot'n'cold lately as I try and figure out what I want and how to handle the situation.
The whole M thing is still kinda bugging me. :(
That's all. My life is basically same old same old.
I guess I'm not surprised. I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror for a while now and I've still been eating ALL THE THINGS. But it stops now. I have 5 months until this stupid wedding (not mine, obviously, a friend's) and I am damn well going to look nice in my dress.
I went to the gym tonight and did not binge today (though nor did I eat regular meals - oh man, here I go with the stupid all-or-nothing thinking again), so that's a pretty good start.
Other good things: I got the teaching position I applied for, so funding worries are now replaced by time worries (2 part-time jobs + the fucking thesis = WHEN DO I SLEEP??). My boss at part-time job 1 (not the teaching one) is pleased with my work and said good things about it today. I've hit an "I don't care" wall, so I am not stressing out as much about the thesis (I'll start panicking soon, I'm sure).
FH and I are half the time great and half the time not-great. But it's affecting me less now, which I think is a good sign. I feel bad for him though - I've been very hot'n'cold lately as I try and figure out what I want and how to handle the situation.
The whole M thing is still kinda bugging me. :(
That's all. My life is basically same old same old.
 |
| Here: haz a cute. |
7/4/12
Considering how desperately I want to be done with all this shit, you'd think I'd be working harder. My motivation is at an all-time low. Feels like nothing I do matters anymore.
I just need to suck it up and write. Of course I'm not making progress. I'm not working, how could I be making progress?
I'm obsessed with Fiona Apple lately. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F76BU-tMI3Q
Fireworks tonight. Happy 4th, everyone. xoxo
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