Warning: emo post ahead.  Sorry.  :(

Today just FEELS shitty.  Had a fight with my mother last night about my father's impending surgery..."there are some things you just shouldn't tell children," she says.  FUCK THAT SHIT.  I am 21 years old.  I am not a child.  And I think I deserve to know whether my father has cancer or not.  Seriously?  Why would you NOT tell me something like that?  UGH sometimes I hate my family!

Plus the ex is trying to be all "we are friends and everything is ok now!"  No.  Civility, fine.  We do have rehearsals 3 times a week plus performance schedule together.  But there is no need for friendship.  It's not even like I hate him...I just don't want to associate with him.  After 6 years of serious dating, it's just too weird.

Plus I was feeling shit yesterday because of all that and got upset at D.  He is so wonderful.  Just hugged me.  But I can't get the insecure feelings to go away. 

I am so afraid that I am falling for this man.  I cannot afford to do this.  I just can't.  He tells me he loves me and I want to love him back (i think i may.  it is so scary.  i do not want to love him.  i feel that as soon as i do, he will leave me.  or i will leave for grad school and whatever we have will fall to bits anyway).

It's only been 2.5 months.

D. does not have a history of long relationships.

It cannot last much longer.  I need to keep this in mind.  I need to be prepared.

I am not saying that I will negate the possibility of a long relationship.  In fact, I really really want that.  I just...don't want to be hurt again.

But I'm hurting already.

I can't do it yet.  I can't tell him I love him.  Better to wait.