Therapist in 45 minutes.  This will be the second-to-last session before she leaves.  She's got a new job at a different university in a different state.

I don't think I'm going to continue therapy.  I feel exhausted just thinking about going over everything with a new person.  Instead I'm going to keep working on the stuff I've done with therapist.  And work through this Appetite Awareness Training book she got me.

Recovery efforts are stalled and I know why.  I'm pulling myself in different directions.  I want to recover but I don't want to eat but I know I'm supposed to be following my schedule and food plan but food is so fucking complicated and at the same time I'm not dealing well with life at the moment because I don't know what the fuck I want or need and so I binge to close my feelings down.

I feel like half the time I'm pulling FH closer and the other half I'm pushing him away.  Literally and figuratively both.  I don't think it's anything he's doing.  It's me being confused.  I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I can/can't handle.  I'm starting to forget that my intention upon entering this "something" was to put me first always.  To for once just relax and let myself be spoiled.  To not have to care so much.  But now I'm starting to maybe have more serious feelings for him.  This is a fucking problem.  It terrifies me.

I can't even call the damn thing a relationship because it freaks me out.  Even though we are explicitly exclusive and we hang out all the time and from any observer's viewpoint it would look like we are dating seriously.

I'm very fucking frustrated with myself lately.

Boats this week and then road trip to friend's and no FH for a while.  Maybe that'll get my head on a bit straighter.

Sometimes when he hugs me I feel suddenly anxious and claustrophobic and can't handle being touched.  And sometimes I cry still over D.  Saturday morning I woke up in FH's bed and couldn't get back to sleep.  So I finished the rest of my book (Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood) and then felt sad.  And D's voice popped into my head, "[Salix], honey, what's wrong?  I love you, and that means I am here for you."  That first sentence is something D said whenever I felt upset.  The second one is what he said when I told him about ED.  What the fuck.  Not cool.  Not something I need.  Get the fuck out of my head, D.  I went and cried in the shower and when I got out FH had made me coffee and cantaloupe for breakfast.

FH doesn't call me pet names.  (Except sometimes "pretty girl" or "pretty [Salix]", if that counts.)  FH hasn't said he loves me.  (And I don't think he will, because he is cynical like me about love and marriage and such.) FH spoils me rotten and looks and acts like he cares for me.  FH doesn't push me to talk about anything I don't want to.

My head's a mess.  I'm going to therapy now.