The truth is that everything is chaotic. Life. Thesis. Relationships. Food. Too much and too little of everything.
And I'm still eating but eating far too much and not normally and not healthily. I can't stand to look at myself. I'm avoiding the mirror. I'm avoiding the scale. I'm not fully comfortable being naked in front of FH anymore.
FH got upset and I got upset and we fought. "You're being so negative," he says. "You think like you're not good enough. But you ARE good enough. And I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't want you. Let me make up my own mind. Stop telling me what I'm thinking. Stop telling me what I should do. Life isn't about shoulds."
And it just feels like everything would be better if only I could just stop eating again. If I didn't have to handle food anymore. I told FH that, with the caveat, "Of course I won't. (I don't have enough control anymore.)" and he didn't like it much. Says it's not a solution. No, it's not, of course it's not. It's a coping mechanism.
I've been feeling like this for a while now and that's one of the reasons I haven't been posting anything. I feel like I'm letting you down. I mean, I'm supposed to be recovering. I'm supposed to want to recover. And right now I just. I just don't want to eat. I want to be empty. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel confident again. My self-esteem goes up when I don't eat. I like the look of me more. I like the feel of me.
It's only temporary, but that's all I need right now. I just need a little time. Right?
I sat on FH's lap today and told him, "Don't worry. [Salix] isn't being crazy anymore, remember? Happy, not crazy."
Now I just need to figure out how to be happy.
(P.S. Please please guys...I know that not eating is not healthy and not a solution and not a coping mechanism that I should turn to. I know that. I already feel guilty for letting everyone (including me & therapist who has moved away and thus wouldn't even know that I am backsliding horribly in terms of emotions and wishing that I would in terms of food. So don't make it worse, okay?)
Sweet pea, we all have those feelings. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You won't wake up one day like magic and not feel comforted by certain behaviors or coping mechanisms.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to eat because it helps you feel better. It wouldn't be a coping mechanism at all if it didn't *work*
You already attach so much negative emotion to your feelings, no one else should ever add to that burden.
The best thing I think I could tell you is to stop judging yourself. Stop judging your feelings and then assuming that other people are judging you, too.
You are a complicated human being full of intricately tangled responses. Untangling them takes patience, love and acceptance.
It doesn't come from outside of you (though that extra boost does really help), it comes from inside and that is no small feat, nor overnight transformation.
You aren't letting anyone down. Not your therapist, not any of us here, not FH. We're not expecting anything from you. If we are doing anything at all, it's just hoping that you be true to yourself, and be happy within yourself.
xoxoxoxoxo