To Do:

• update more
• be more interesting

This will happen soon, I promise.  After finals are done.  It's just crap, this time of the semester.  And don't even get me started on grad applications.  Ugh.  Don't want to think about it.

Tense moment with D the other day...I have Blogger bookmarked and he noticed (he was trying to fix something on my computer) and asked if I blogged.  Ummmm, haha!  "No, I just follow some of my friends' blogs...L has a blog.  She doesn't update it often, though."  Lucky he didn't click on it!

I am dreading dreading dreading the return home for Thanksgiving break.  I am putting it off as long as I can--I'm actually not leaving campus until tomorrow so that I can get home late Wednesday night.  But we have to go to my cousin's on Thursday.  It will be torture.  Pretty much any family interaction in my family is always bad...but this will be especially so.  Definitely not looking forward to it.  And my cousin's family is of the beanpole variety: all model body-types, tall and skinny, but they eat like mad.  They devour food like there is no tomorrow.  Like the crops have all been destroyed by alien crop-circles and we must all take advantage of what we have (which would actually be completely counter-intuitive, because really you should be rationing the scant supplies).  And they notice if you do not do the same.

Going home is definitely a trigger for me.  Even thinking about it is inducing binge-urges.  Do not want.

But I have a plan.  Of sorts.  I have no idea what food will be there, of course.  But my fam is vegan.  So that should help.  I will be as picky as possible, and that is within character for me.  I have tons and tons of work to get done over break, so I will take that with me and just stay busy the entire time.  And they always put me at the kids table (which is completely absurd...I am a legal adult, for fuck's sake!), so it should be fairly easy not to fuck up intake completely.

If I can still be at GW3 upon my return (I am coming back as early as possible too...leaving my hometown on Friday morning, wootwoot!), I will count Thanksgiving as a resounding success.

I wonder if anyone will notice that I have lost weight?

It is so odd.  The scale tells me I am lighter (actually, I am seeing numbers that I have not seen since high school.  This is wonderful) and I can see that I am making progress (and it is amazing!), but I also have so much farther to go.  I still look so gooey.  I still feel so heavy.

Ah well.  Little by little, Salix.  Inch by inch.  Pound by pound.

Official reaching of GW3.  Am not entirely sure it is not an illusion.  Cannot let myself be happy in case it is.

Fasted all day yesterday in anticipation of concert and little black dress today.  Water and tea only (not even any sweetener).  Consequently, am tired and have headache and overslept this morning.  Covers were too cosy and could not leave my warm safe nest of a bed for the freezing outdoor world.

i just wish i could crawl back into bed and sleep until i was not tired...

I am reading and following and loving you all.

I have nothing to say lately...I am losing my words and I am losing time and I am losing space.  The semester is nearly over and I am not ready.

Non sequitur: I am too fat to exist some days.  Today is one such day.

I need a hug.

I need to stop fucking eating everything around me.

I need to stop procrastinating.

I need to actually make progress.

In any area of my life.  I'm not picky at this point...

Bingey.  Tired.  Headachey.  Getting that sick feeling in my sinuses and throat.  Likely from lack of sleep.

there is too much work and not enough time.  there is never enough time.  D is wonderful and amazing and tells me I am incredible but it cannot last.  i must remember that he will leave as everyone else has.  life is a transitory thing.  one mustn't get attached to it.

I have a boyfriend.

Ok.  So.  I owe you all some details about D.

The dinner and movie were okay--of course I ate too much and of course that part was awful...everything was covered in butter.  Luckily, I'm vegan (mostly), so I got away with just some veggies and a bit of rice. 

That was Saturday.

Sunday, I had a mini-breakdown of sorts.  And after I'd calmed down a bit, I got on fb and D was on and messaged me, asking how my day was.  And the thing about D is that I promised myself and him that I would be completely honest at all times.  (I tend to fake a lot and just act how everyone expects me to act--it's so much easier.)  D's thing is that he will not push me to say anything if I'm not comfortable--if he asks a question that I don't want to answer, ok, that's fine.  But if I do answer, it has to be the truth.  (I am enforcing this myself.  I promised myself, and I do my best not to break promises.)

Anyway.  He asked how my day was, and I completely just dumped everything I was feeling on him.  I was so overwhelmed...  I apologized immediately, of course, and signed off in embarrassment, sure that he would never want to associate with me again--now that I had revealed how completely messed up and crazy I am.

A few minutes later, he texts me, wanting to come over.  I say ok.  He comes over, and we end up talking until 5:30 the next morning.  And cuddling a bit.  Which was incredibly nice.  :)

I told him things that I had never ever told anyone before.  I told him my deepest darkest secrets (except the food issues.  He does not know about that.  And I hope to hell that he never asks directly, because I don't want him to know any of that).  He is so easy to talk to...

The thing is, I don't know if I can handle a relationship right now.  Neither of us are really the "friends with benefits" types, so if I decide to date him, it will probably be something more than casual.  I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  And whatever I do, it can't last--because I will be leaving for grad school soon.  I've been clear about my doubts and uncertainties.  He is not pushing it.

Since that long talk, we've gotten dinner together once (a very casual thing, though.  Not a date), and he walked me home later and stayed until 12:30, watching YouTube videos (and cuddling a little).

Morning after that, I was slightly freaking out--I am not the sort of person who just cuddles with people!  I felt really weird about it...like we had intimate moments without actually being anything at all?  Does that make any sense?  Maybe I just wanted some clarification/validation.  I texted him and told him that I was really confused and kind of uncomfortable with him and me and us (if there even is an "us") and wanted to talk to him about it.  We are meeting Sunday to talk. 

I need to decide by then what I want to do. 

I really really like D.

I am so scared.

Here is another fucked-up thing: one thought I had was that if I date D that will involve lunches, dinners, stuff like that.  The vegan thing will help a bit...but ohmygod I wish I could make myself purge.  I hate that I have even considered that aspect of dating him!  Why can't I be normal???