A little down today. 9 good days. Mostly. 9 days without binges, anyways. I'm fighting fighting fighting to keep it that way. Make that number increase. It's the only food number I like going up.
Yesterday I called my daddy and left a father's day message on the answering machine. Went to movie and dinner with D and his parents. They are divorced, but it wasn't hugely awkward. They still get along ok. D's mom offered to come with me to the surgery. She's so sweet.
Dinner = awful. Japanese steakhouse. There is NOTHING ok at a Japanese steakhouse except the salad. And you can't just get a salad. The entree comes with a salad. So I went for the only vegetarian thing on the menu: vegetable dinner, salad with no dressing but lemon wedge on the side, water to drink. D said, "I knew what you were going to get! Except the lemon. I always forget the lemon." He's pleased he knows me so well.
D ate my soup. I ate half the salad, two zucchini sticks, and a lot of broccoli and mushrooms. All cooked in whatever oil/butter/yuck the restaurant uses. More than I wanted. Didn't eat any rice (drenched in butter. I watched them prepare it). Drank tons of water. Actually exceeded the 3-4 qts I am supposed to be drinking for kidney stones. I must've had 4.5 qts yesterday at least. Came home to a rock band party and immediately offered my leftovers to anyone who wanted them. My visiting friend and one of my housemate's friend ate some. There is still a lot in the fridge today. I don't want it. I don't. I don't I don't I don't.
Scale this morning says I am up a pound. I am positive I did not eat 3500 cals yesterday. Other than dinner all I had was a grapefruit half. So it must be water & food weight. It must.
Still, it sends me into fail-panic-binge mode. Where my thoughts rush and justify and plead and coerce and threaten and degrade. I am a failure i cannot do this what is the point i will always be a fat pig and why why why dont i just have a little something or more like everything in the fridge just this once one more binge and then never again just so that i can lose my mind for a while and not think even though this is bullshit because i am still thinking when i eat and i will hate myself even more afterwards.
But I will not. I will not. I will not. I cannot eat. Not now. Not today. I will take some fiber pills and drink tons and tons of water and tomorrow will be better. Please. Let this be true.
6/21/10
6/18/10
My friend is visiting for a week or so! She just got in yesterday. This is good because she is incredible and I love her to bits and pieces. This is bad because, well, food.
I went to the store and stocked up on relatively safe foods. Negative calorie foods. (I'm not sure I really believe in that concept, but I feel better buying them. Plus they are all fruit and veg, so all pretty low-cal anyways.) A grapefruit, a mango, 2 apples, 3 peaches, baby carrots, pre-sliced broccoli and cauliflower, some lettuce mix. Also some Fiber 1 yogurts because I am supposed to be eating high-fiber because of the kidney stones. And then I made a special trip to EarthFare and got some Arctic Zero. If you have not heard of Arctic Zero, go check it out. Right now. I'll wait.
...
...
See? Incredible! An entire pint of ice cream for only 136 cals. Best ice cream ever.
I also have shirataki noodles. I like to keep them around at all times. If you get the tofu kind they are 20 cals per serving, but they compare more favorably to actual pasta. If you are hardcore and get the pure kind, they are 0 cals. I get the pure kind and it's not really like regular pasta, but I kinda like it anyway. You do have to make sure to rinse it incredibly well or it tastes a bit funny.
I really have no money right now because rent and road trip and getting stuff for grad school and down payments and security deposits for apartment for grad school, etc. Two people owe me money (quite a bit, actually), but that and all the money I have in the bank has pretty much been apportioned for stuff already. So hopefully I'll get away with that excuse whenever we go out to eat. The only exceptions will be when we visit the cafe where my housemate works or if D insists on paying for something.
Also, she gets up later than I do, so I can get away without breakfast. And I am at the lab at lunchtime, so during the week I can probably get away without lunch too. So the only real meal I will have to eat is dinner.
I think this'll be ok. I'm trying not to stress about it. I've been doing so well lately; I just can't undo all that work! I'm ahead of my loss goal for this week...so if I stay the same or even if I gain 1-2 lbs, I am still on track. I can do this. I can.
Let's be strong today, lovelies. <3
I went to the store and stocked up on relatively safe foods. Negative calorie foods. (I'm not sure I really believe in that concept, but I feel better buying them. Plus they are all fruit and veg, so all pretty low-cal anyways.) A grapefruit, a mango, 2 apples, 3 peaches, baby carrots, pre-sliced broccoli and cauliflower, some lettuce mix. Also some Fiber 1 yogurts because I am supposed to be eating high-fiber because of the kidney stones. And then I made a special trip to EarthFare and got some Arctic Zero. If you have not heard of Arctic Zero, go check it out. Right now. I'll wait.
...
...
See? Incredible! An entire pint of ice cream for only 136 cals. Best ice cream ever.
I also have shirataki noodles. I like to keep them around at all times. If you get the tofu kind they are 20 cals per serving, but they compare more favorably to actual pasta. If you are hardcore and get the pure kind, they are 0 cals. I get the pure kind and it's not really like regular pasta, but I kinda like it anyway. You do have to make sure to rinse it incredibly well or it tastes a bit funny.
I really have no money right now because rent and road trip and getting stuff for grad school and down payments and security deposits for apartment for grad school, etc. Two people owe me money (quite a bit, actually), but that and all the money I have in the bank has pretty much been apportioned for stuff already. So hopefully I'll get away with that excuse whenever we go out to eat. The only exceptions will be when we visit the cafe where my housemate works or if D insists on paying for something.
Also, she gets up later than I do, so I can get away without breakfast. And I am at the lab at lunchtime, so during the week I can probably get away without lunch too. So the only real meal I will have to eat is dinner.
I think this'll be ok. I'm trying not to stress about it. I've been doing so well lately; I just can't undo all that work! I'm ahead of my loss goal for this week...so if I stay the same or even if I gain 1-2 lbs, I am still on track. I can do this. I can.
Let's be strong today, lovelies. <3
6/16/10
6/15/10
Urology appointment today. Man on the phone says they usually make people wait a week. Is the rush with me a good or bad thing? I just want to get it over with.
D asked if I wanted him to come with me today. I said no, I am fine. Sometimes I am too proud for my own good.
I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. I am afraid.
D asked if I wanted him to come with me today. I said no, I am fine. Sometimes I am too proud for my own good.
I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. I am afraid.
6/13/10
I spent yesterday afternoon in the hospital. First time ever being in hospital other than as a visitor.
I've been on the rag, so I thought I was just sore and crampy yesterday morning...a little worse than normal, but whatevs. I was fine. I went to volunteer, as per usual, and made it about half an hour before I couldn't handle it anymore. Shortest volunteer shift ever, I am pretty sure. My left kidney area was hurting so bad I could barely walk. My housemate came and picked me up. I went home and laid down and told myself that if it still hurt like this in 3 hours I'd go to hospital.
One hour later, I go to housemate and say I think I might need hospital. I call D, whose parents are both doctors, and make him ask his mom if I should go in. She says yes. Housemate calls her mom, who is a nurse, and she says I should go. We go to hospital.
I was seen fairly quickly...for a hospital, that is. I threw up twice from the pain, the second time right as they were about to give me anti-nausea medicine. (I had an IV at that point.) They gave me spectacular pain-killers that made me incredibly woozy but took nearly all the pain away and did a CT scan and checked kidney function (my dad has HS and had kidney failure at 20, so I always worry about that sort of thing).
Turns out, just a kidney stone. I've never had one before; I didn't know how painful they are! This one is big though--they said it's a 50/50 chance I will need surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I really really really don't want to have surgery. Maybe it would be less painful, but I don't want it.
I am home now, with oxycodone that is unfortunately not as strong as whatever they gave me in the hospital. I don't feel too badly right now though. Drinking lots of fluids. Don't want to eat at all. That's the only plus out of all this, haha. Yesterday I had a Fiber 1 bar and some cantaloupe (I am supposed to be eating lots of fiber and fruits and veggies and housemate knew I hadn't eaten so made me get something while we were waiting for my prescription to be filled). Could barely eat it; I felt like I was going to get sick again the whole time.
D is going to come by later, I think, when he gets back in town. He was worried, poor thing. He almost dropped his trip to come drive me to the hospital, but I convinced him not to--he was supposed to drive our other friend home, and I didn't want her parents worrying too. Plus, now that friend has gone home, D and I can get some alone time. He has promised me cuddles. :)
I've been on the rag, so I thought I was just sore and crampy yesterday morning...a little worse than normal, but whatevs. I was fine. I went to volunteer, as per usual, and made it about half an hour before I couldn't handle it anymore. Shortest volunteer shift ever, I am pretty sure. My left kidney area was hurting so bad I could barely walk. My housemate came and picked me up. I went home and laid down and told myself that if it still hurt like this in 3 hours I'd go to hospital.
One hour later, I go to housemate and say I think I might need hospital. I call D, whose parents are both doctors, and make him ask his mom if I should go in. She says yes. Housemate calls her mom, who is a nurse, and she says I should go. We go to hospital.
I was seen fairly quickly...for a hospital, that is. I threw up twice from the pain, the second time right as they were about to give me anti-nausea medicine. (I had an IV at that point.) They gave me spectacular pain-killers that made me incredibly woozy but took nearly all the pain away and did a CT scan and checked kidney function (my dad has HS and had kidney failure at 20, so I always worry about that sort of thing).
Turns out, just a kidney stone. I've never had one before; I didn't know how painful they are! This one is big though--they said it's a 50/50 chance I will need surgery. Keep your fingers crossed. I really really really don't want to have surgery. Maybe it would be less painful, but I don't want it.
I am home now, with oxycodone that is unfortunately not as strong as whatever they gave me in the hospital. I don't feel too badly right now though. Drinking lots of fluids. Don't want to eat at all. That's the only plus out of all this, haha. Yesterday I had a Fiber 1 bar and some cantaloupe (I am supposed to be eating lots of fiber and fruits and veggies and housemate knew I hadn't eaten so made me get something while we were waiting for my prescription to be filled). Could barely eat it; I felt like I was going to get sick again the whole time.
D is going to come by later, I think, when he gets back in town. He was worried, poor thing. He almost dropped his trip to come drive me to the hospital, but I convinced him not to--he was supposed to drive our other friend home, and I didn't want her parents worrying too. Plus, now that friend has gone home, D and I can get some alone time. He has promised me cuddles. :)
6/10/10
Stolen from the ever-so-lovely Peri at Glue & Pieces.
Be extremely beautiful or extremely intelligent?
Extremely intelligent. I don't think I'll ever qualify as beautiful...the best I can manage is cute.
Go without brushing your teeth for a year or go without washing your hair for a year?
Can I still use mouthwash? I guess I'd rather shave my head.
Be rich or famous?
Rich.
Have an amazing shoe collection or an amazing makeup collection?
Shoes, definitely. I very rarely wear makeup.
Be able to sing or be able to dance?
Sing. I love music and I love singing, but I don't do it well!
Be stranded on a Desert Island or in the Desert?
Desert Island. With a crate of books.
Have a computer or a TV?
Computer. You can get TV shows online anyways.
Wear spots or stripes for the rest of your life?
Ew. None of the above.
Drink out of a Teacup or a Mug?
Mug. It makes everything taste better.
Receive a bunch of Flowers or a box of chocolate?
I adore flowers. I do not adore chocolate.
Have a hug or a kiss from someone you love?
Both. Both both both.
Wear converse or Stilettos?
Converse, because I cannot walk in stilettos.
Meet Johnny Depp or Robert Pattinson?
Johnny Depp.
Be a Fairy or a Mermaid?
Mermaid. I could study my fishies up close and personal! :D
A coffee or a cup of tea?
COFFEE FOR THE WIN (though I like tea too, and I actually probably drink it more often. Too much coffee makes me shaky).
Pink nails or blue nails?
Blue. I don't like pink. But only on my toes--I never paint my fingernails.
Live somewhere sunny or somewhere cold?
Sunny, oh yes. I have lived in warm sunshine all my life and I detest the cold. Next year I will have to learn how to handle it though...boo northern weather!
Have an amazing house or an amazing car?
Amazing house.
Be kind or funny?
Funny. Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.
Eat sweets or cake?
Sweets. Though I really shouldn't be eating either.
Hold a tarantula or a snake?
Snake. No question. I handle snakes all the time when I volunteer. Spiders creep me the fuck out.
Wear a necklace or a ring?
Necklace. I never wear rings.
Laugh or smile?
Laugh. :D
Be hated or be a hater?
Hated. And oblivious to it.
Wear Pearls or Beads?
Beads. More variety and cheaper.
If you had to choose, lose your sight or your hearing?
Hearing. Then I could still do research. Plus I know a little ASL but zero Braille.
Have lots of money or lots of friends?
Money. I don't tend to have a huge crowd...crowds make me nervous.
Love or be loved?
Love me love me love me. I am greedy for it.
Be extremely beautiful or extremely intelligent?
Extremely intelligent. I don't think I'll ever qualify as beautiful...the best I can manage is cute.
Go without brushing your teeth for a year or go without washing your hair for a year?
Can I still use mouthwash? I guess I'd rather shave my head.
Be rich or famous?
Rich.
Have an amazing shoe collection or an amazing makeup collection?
Shoes, definitely. I very rarely wear makeup.
Be able to sing or be able to dance?
Sing. I love music and I love singing, but I don't do it well!
Be stranded on a Desert Island or in the Desert?
Desert Island. With a crate of books.
Have a computer or a TV?
Computer. You can get TV shows online anyways.
Wear spots or stripes for the rest of your life?
Ew. None of the above.
Drink out of a Teacup or a Mug?
Mug. It makes everything taste better.
Receive a bunch of Flowers or a box of chocolate?
I adore flowers. I do not adore chocolate.
Have a hug or a kiss from someone you love?
Both. Both both both.
Wear converse or Stilettos?
Converse, because I cannot walk in stilettos.
Meet Johnny Depp or Robert Pattinson?
Johnny Depp.
Be a Fairy or a Mermaid?
Mermaid. I could study my fishies up close and personal! :D
A coffee or a cup of tea?
COFFEE FOR THE WIN (though I like tea too, and I actually probably drink it more often. Too much coffee makes me shaky).
Pink nails or blue nails?
Blue. I don't like pink. But only on my toes--I never paint my fingernails.
Live somewhere sunny or somewhere cold?
Sunny, oh yes. I have lived in warm sunshine all my life and I detest the cold. Next year I will have to learn how to handle it though...boo northern weather!
Have an amazing house or an amazing car?
Amazing house.
Be kind or funny?
Funny. Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.
Eat sweets or cake?
Sweets. Though I really shouldn't be eating either.
Hold a tarantula or a snake?
Snake. No question. I handle snakes all the time when I volunteer. Spiders creep me the fuck out.
Wear a necklace or a ring?
Necklace. I never wear rings.
Laugh or smile?
Laugh. :D
Be hated or be a hater?
Hated. And oblivious to it.
Wear Pearls or Beads?
Beads. More variety and cheaper.
If you had to choose, lose your sight or your hearing?
Hearing. Then I could still do research. Plus I know a little ASL but zero Braille.
Have lots of money or lots of friends?
Money. I don't tend to have a huge crowd...crowds make me nervous.
Love or be loved?
Love me love me love me. I am greedy for it.
6/8/10
After the better part of a week with no internet (grumblegrumbleComcastgrumble), it is nice to be online again. I've only had email access at the lab--I'm too afraid to go on any other sites because I don't want my mentor to catch me out not working.
Tonight we are having a party at my house. Potluck. So I will eat. I have been eating too much lately. Maybe tomorrow I will fast. Maybe. Who knows? I am medicated yet I am still out of control.
Dr. Therapist is treating the ED as just a symptom of the anxiety disorder she claims I have. I do not know what to think about this. It doesn't seem to be working.
Now I am going to catch up on your lives. I missed you, lovelies. <3
Tonight we are having a party at my house. Potluck. So I will eat. I have been eating too much lately. Maybe tomorrow I will fast. Maybe. Who knows? I am medicated yet I am still out of control.
Dr. Therapist is treating the ED as just a symptom of the anxiety disorder she claims I have. I do not know what to think about this. It doesn't seem to be working.
Now I am going to catch up on your lives. I missed you, lovelies. <3
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