A little down today.  9 good days.  Mostly.  9 days without binges, anyways.  I'm fighting fighting fighting to keep it that way.  Make that number increase.  It's the only food number I like going up.

Yesterday I called my daddy and left a father's day message on the answering machine.  Went to movie and dinner with D and his parents.  They are divorced, but it wasn't hugely awkward.  They still get along ok.  D's mom offered to come with me to the surgery.  She's so sweet.

Dinner = awful.  Japanese steakhouse.  There is NOTHING ok at a Japanese steakhouse except the salad.  And you can't just get a salad.  The entree comes with a salad.  So I went for the only vegetarian thing on the menu: vegetable dinner, salad with no dressing but lemon wedge on the side, water to drink.  D said, "I knew what you were going to get!  Except the lemon.  I always forget the lemon."  He's pleased he knows me so well.

D ate my soup.  I ate half the salad, two zucchini sticks, and a lot of broccoli and mushrooms.  All cooked in whatever oil/butter/yuck the restaurant uses.  More than I wanted.  Didn't eat any rice (drenched in butter.  I watched them prepare it).  Drank tons of water.  Actually exceeded the 3-4 qts I am supposed to be drinking for kidney stones.  I must've had 4.5 qts yesterday at least.  Came home to a rock band party and immediately offered my leftovers to anyone who wanted them.  My visiting friend and one of my housemate's friend ate some.  There is still a lot in the fridge today.  I don't want it.  I don't.  I don't I don't I don't.

Scale this morning says I am up a pound.  I am positive I did not eat 3500 cals yesterday.  Other than dinner all I had was a grapefruit half.  So it must be water & food weight.  It must.

Still, it sends me into fail-panic-binge mode.  Where my thoughts rush and justify and plead and coerce and threaten and degrade.  I am a failure i cannot do this what is the point i will always be a fat pig and why why why dont i just have a little something or more like everything in the fridge just this once one more binge and then never again just so that i can lose my mind for a while and not think even though this is bullshit because i am still thinking when i eat and i will hate myself even more afterwards.

But I will not.  I will not.  I will not.  I cannot eat.  Not now.  Not today.  I will take some fiber pills and drink tons and tons of water and tomorrow will be better.  Please.  Let this be true.