I'm very tired today and everything is fuzzy.  It feels like a huge effort just to remain upright.  I has a confused.  I have eaten today--I gave a tutorial to this other scientist dude and he bought me lunch (+ dinner, since I had half lunch leftover) and also I found some sour gummy worms in my desk today.  And I didn't sleep as much as I wanted to last night but I did get a good 5-6 hours, so I shouldn't be so very fuzzy.  Blah I don't know.

I got in a car accident last week.  Wasn't my fault and the damage is minimal, I think.  No-one was hurt and the other car was fine but mine has a dent in it.  I am taking it in tomorrow for a cost estimate for dude-man who either needs to cough up the money to fix it or give me his insurance info.  Just another thing.

I'm procrastinating because I'm overwhelmed right now.  This week was going to be saner (so I thought), but all of a sudden I'm meeting with advisor on Thursday and I need more more more analysis to show him and my stupid program keeps crashing my computer and blahhh I don't know how to fix it.  So now there is lots lots lots to do yesterday and I am behind again.

Two of my friends visited for Tgiving break.  They're both engaged.  They spent a lot of time talking about weddings & dresses & weight while I tried to ignore them.  Fun times.

FH is gone this week for a conference.  He's texted me a lot today.  Awww, sweet.  Plus I sort of maybe got offered a job after I graduate, assuming I manage to graduate on time (hahahahahaha).

I forgot my ipod this morning on the walk to work so I made up a song to sing to myself.  The chorus went, "And if you ever worry/ what they see when they see you/ it's time you realized that/ they're all fucked-up too."  This is something I should remember because I don't usually.  (and yes, partially inspired by kazehana's comment that I should stop worrying about other people's judgments of me)

Maybe I should stop procrastinating and run this program one more time so that I can mix lab chemicals and then get to go home and work from there.  Let's do that.

Here.  Has a cute:

The truth is that everything is chaotic.  Life.  Thesis.  Relationships.  Food.  Too much and too little of everything.

And I'm still eating but eating far too much and not normally and not healthily.  I can't stand to look at myself.  I'm avoiding the mirror.  I'm avoiding the scale.  I'm not fully comfortable being naked in front of FH anymore.

FH got upset and I got upset and we fought.  "You're being so negative," he says.  "You think like you're not good enough.  But you ARE good enough.  And I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't want you.  Let me make up my own mind.  Stop telling me what I'm thinking.  Stop telling me what I should do.  Life isn't about shoulds."

And it just feels like everything would be better if only I could just stop eating again.  If I didn't have to handle food anymore.  I told FH that, with the caveat, "Of course I won't.  (I don't have enough control anymore.)" and he didn't like it much.  Says it's not a solution.  No, it's not, of course it's not.  It's a coping mechanism.

I've been feeling like this for a while now and that's one of the reasons I haven't been posting anything.  I feel like I'm letting you down.  I mean, I'm supposed to be recovering.  I'm supposed to want to recover.  And right now I just.  I just don't want to eat.  I want to be empty.  I want to feel pretty.  I want to feel confident again.  My self-esteem goes up when I don't eat.  I like the look of me more.  I like the feel of me.

It's only temporary, but that's all I need right now.  I just need a little time.  Right?

I sat on FH's lap today and told him, "Don't worry.  [Salix] isn't being crazy anymore, remember?  Happy, not crazy."

Now I just need to figure out how to be happy.

(P.S.  Please please guys...I know that not eating is not healthy and not a solution and not a coping mechanism that I should turn to.  I know that.  I already feel guilty for letting everyone (including me & therapist who has moved away and thus wouldn't even know that I am backsliding horribly in terms of emotions and wishing that I would in terms of food.  So don't make it worse, okay?)

Life is bad right now.  I just want to cry and cry and hide in my blankets forever.  But I have to get up at 6am tomorrow, so bed now and crying later.

TGIF.  3 big things over with.  3 to go.  Then Tgiving.  Kind of panicking over that one.

FH & Y are cooking dinner, I'm cuddled in a blanket on the couch, and kitty is biting my toes.  It's cozy in my house tonight.

I'm not doing any work tonight, starting now.  And I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning.

(not my kitty)

Three more days until the weekend.  Three more days.  1. 2. 3.  The same number as the hours of sleep I had last night.  I can make it three more days, right?  Easy-peasy.

Less than 1 month until the end of this semester.  Oh winter break, how I long for you.  So much time to catch up on my thesis work!

I bought some lovely wool a couple days ago.  7 different colors.  Stripey hats for everyone for Christmas!

I yelled at FH yesterday and then cried.  Poor man.  He hugged me and then proceeded to stay up past his bedtime helping me get through the presentation I needed done for this morning's meeting.  Such a lovely lovely man.

I'm very tired today.

Still.  So.  Much.  Fricken'.  Work.

I can't handle it.

Still eating lots.  I made a food plan but haven't stuck to it.  One thing at a time, yeah?  So maybe I'll get through the last few weeks of this godawful semester and then I can focus more on me.

My motivation towards this thesis flags.  My motivation in general flags.  I just want to hide under my covers forever.

Yesterday I spent 6 hours debugging a program.  It works now.

and oh, and oh, and oh the work

and it is november already too quickly

it's cold outside

today i have eaten a lot of chocolate and cried to fh about my crazy brain of late and written more more more essay drafts and done not much else that i needed to do