I don't have words again lately. Not that things have been terrible, really. Just. I don't know. My brain doesn't work.
I have a cold. Or something. FH is all "RAWR you need to eat!" and I'm all "No! Just let me drink orange juice and sleep!" Only then I went to the office anyway because I feel lazy not doing so. And because I needed to take my bike to the repair shop to get the spokes fixed (the tension's all wonky in the ones on the rear wheel). Eating seems like a lot of work & effort and I suspect anything heavy would make me nauseated. Maybe some soup would be okay. Maybe I'll have some soup later.
The scale says that I have not gained any weight (though I'm very much less-than-happy about the number it's showing) but I feel about 10x larger than normal. I've been eating lots and lots lately, trying to re-feed, trying to get myself back to some sort of normal cycle instead of the starve-binge-starve one I so frequently fall into. It's really not fun.
I finally had a full-on talk with FH re: the ed. I mean, he knew I was disordered before, but I'd never really given him details. Now I have. It hasn't seemed to change anything.
It's very grey outside. I feel down. Maybe that's just because I'm sick. Blah. I don't know.
We got a couch for the apartment. A love seat, actually, because we didn't have room for a full-size couch. It's blue and very squishy. Kitty loves it.
I'm missing pieces today.
You are not your disorder...doesn't surprise me that knowning more details doesn't change anything. You are still a kick-ass girl, no matter what else is going on with the monkey wrenches in your sailing gear.
ReplyDeleteDid that make a lick of sense? Probably not. I don't know jack shit about sailing.
But I do know that if someone really cares about you, they'll take all of you...jaggedy bits and all.
And definitely eat some soup. :)
Soup is good, so is fruit. High liquid content and fiber and goodies. Is there fresh pineapple up your way too? If there is that would be a good thing to try nomming :)
ReplyDeleteLol, FH likes YOU. Sounds like he likes the real you and not some front. He likes you in spite of the disorder, and remember that our screw-up headspaces do not define the entirety of our selves, no matter what it feels like from the inside.
Go curl up on the new seat with the kitties and FH and let him spoon-feed you orange juice and lemsip (Hot lemon and honey is very very good) and for Lady's sake REST. You can't sail a regatta in a storm and you can't work when you're crook. You can try, but it just all goes to shit.
Love you, sending healy-thoughts from me and purrs from Dralion. (She's shedding everywhere. Anything I knit right now has cat fluff in it :x)
<3
Hope you're feeling better. Cold suck. <3 And good luck with the eating! Getting out of that binge-starve cycle is a biotch, but we can do it. I'm doing ok with it this week, despite the voice in the back of my head shrieking OMG WHAT ARE DOING YOU'RE A WHALE!!!
ReplyDeleteBut we are not whales. And it's ok to eat. xoxoxo