Life is crazy. I feel like shit (dehydrated, sick, and fat fat fat).
I need to pull myself together. I need to get some fucking motivation.
6/28/09
6/23/09
my lovely coworkers
Another good day. I took one jar of pickles to stick in the fridge at work. I also took some yogurt (FiberOne, 80 cals) and a big bag of pretzels. I made sure to offer them to everyone...and then kept them out next to me at my desk, so it looked like I was munching on them. Luckily, I don't really like pretzels all that much.
Ate one pickle for lunch and no one commented, so I was able to skip the yogurt (which had been my back-up plan). My brain started tempting me, so I had another pickle at dinnertime.
Aside from that--drank my daily quota, biked, did my push-ups and crunches. Did not get to jog or do any yoga though.
Today at lunch, the usual crowd was making fun of one of my coworkers. Let me preface by saying that almost everyone I work with is fairly skinny. Except for this woman. She is even larger than me...she is kind of like my reverse thinspo. She also does not get along very well with others. Not that she is a bitch or anything like that--I think she means well, she's just very awkward about it. You know the kind. You just want to take them aside and tell them to stop trying so hard.
I sympathize with her because I have difficulty interacting also...I never know the right things to say or do. It's like there is a secret cipher for life that I haven't yet managed to crack. My childhood isolation from pop culture probably doesn't help.
Anyway. The fatty coworker. We'll call her F. She was working off-site today, so naturally, they all started making jokes at her expense. One of the other girls (the skinniest one) described F's eating habits with the most disgusted look on her face. F doesn't eat at all healthily. She buys pizza and fast food regularly...and will attempt to hide it, much to the amusement of everyone else. But the thing that S (skinny chick) kept harping on was that F sneaks the food into her room and eats it there, which spawned an entire discussion on food hoarding and how gross it is.
All I could think, sitting there, was that I have done the same fucking thing. I felt so transparent at that moment, like all my fucked up eating habits were about to be cruelly exposed and laughed at, just like F's. I felt sorry for F, and at the same time, I felt ashamed of myself.
Ate one pickle for lunch and no one commented, so I was able to skip the yogurt (which had been my back-up plan). My brain started tempting me, so I had another pickle at dinnertime.
Aside from that--drank my daily quota, biked, did my push-ups and crunches. Did not get to jog or do any yoga though.
Today at lunch, the usual crowd was making fun of one of my coworkers. Let me preface by saying that almost everyone I work with is fairly skinny. Except for this woman. She is even larger than me...she is kind of like my reverse thinspo. She also does not get along very well with others. Not that she is a bitch or anything like that--I think she means well, she's just very awkward about it. You know the kind. You just want to take them aside and tell them to stop trying so hard.
I sympathize with her because I have difficulty interacting also...I never know the right things to say or do. It's like there is a secret cipher for life that I haven't yet managed to crack. My childhood isolation from pop culture probably doesn't help.
Anyway. The fatty coworker. We'll call her F. She was working off-site today, so naturally, they all started making jokes at her expense. One of the other girls (the skinniest one) described F's eating habits with the most disgusted look on her face. F doesn't eat at all healthily. She buys pizza and fast food regularly...and will attempt to hide it, much to the amusement of everyone else. But the thing that S (skinny chick) kept harping on was that F sneaks the food into her room and eats it there, which spawned an entire discussion on food hoarding and how gross it is.
All I could think, sitting there, was that I have done the same fucking thing. I felt so transparent at that moment, like all my fucked up eating habits were about to be cruelly exposed and laughed at, just like F's. I felt sorry for F, and at the same time, I felt ashamed of myself.
6/22/09
so far...
okay.
Biked to work and back today. Didn't get to jog or do any crunches or sit-ups (roommate was in room and I couldn't get any privacy).
Drank 3 bottles of packet-flavored water, a diet green tea, and a diet coke.
Ate a pickle. The jar claims 0 cals, which I know cannot be true. The FDA allows 0 cal labels if the product has "negligible" calories, so that must be the case here. I love pickles though, and a label that reads 0 is eminently less stressful than one that reads 5/10/15 as most other pickle jars do. It's probably the same amount of cals...but dammit, it says 0. I'm choosing to believe it.
Had more to say, but roommate is trying to go to sleep and I feel guilty for typing.
Good night ladies (and gentlemen).
Biked to work and back today. Didn't get to jog or do any crunches or sit-ups (roommate was in room and I couldn't get any privacy).
Drank 3 bottles of packet-flavored water, a diet green tea, and a diet coke.
Ate a pickle. The jar claims 0 cals, which I know cannot be true. The FDA allows 0 cal labels if the product has "negligible" calories, so that must be the case here. I love pickles though, and a label that reads 0 is eminently less stressful than one that reads 5/10/15 as most other pickle jars do. It's probably the same amount of cals...but dammit, it says 0. I'm choosing to believe it.
Had more to say, but roommate is trying to go to sleep and I feel guilty for typing.
Good night ladies (and gentlemen).
6/20/09
Fail
Business trip = total fail. I was eating all the fricken time. Weighed in only 2 lbs from my high weight. This is not acceptable.
I'm not going to try and strictly liquid fast again--we've seen what happens there, I'm forced by circumstances to eat a little something, then I bingebingebinge--but I will be restricting hardcore.
It makes me feel nervous not to have a plan. I suppose the plan is to liquid fast every day that I can. Every morning, I will plan an "emergency meal" to be eaten in case of suspicious housemates. This meal will be under 400 cals. Why 400? Because that is approximately how much the bike ride to work and back takes me.
Which brings me to my next plan: exercise. I will bike to work every day. I will do at least 100 crunches and 25 push-ups (I hate push-ups) every day. I will get out my yoga mat and do some yoga on the weekends. I will go jogging at nights.
Lastly, I will drink more water. I'm really bad at staying hydrated all the time, and I know that makes it harder to restrict. So I've bought a water bottle and am determined to drink my recommended 8-10 cups daily! The bottle is 750 ml which, according to WikiAnswers, is 3 cups. So I need to drink 3 bottles per day. Wow. I usually barely make it through 1!
I'm not going to try and strictly liquid fast again--we've seen what happens there, I'm forced by circumstances to eat a little something, then I bingebingebinge--but I will be restricting hardcore.
It makes me feel nervous not to have a plan. I suppose the plan is to liquid fast every day that I can. Every morning, I will plan an "emergency meal" to be eaten in case of suspicious housemates. This meal will be under 400 cals. Why 400? Because that is approximately how much the bike ride to work and back takes me.
Which brings me to my next plan: exercise. I will bike to work every day. I will do at least 100 crunches and 25 push-ups (I hate push-ups) every day. I will get out my yoga mat and do some yoga on the weekends. I will go jogging at nights.
Lastly, I will drink more water. I'm really bad at staying hydrated all the time, and I know that makes it harder to restrict. So I've bought a water bottle and am determined to drink my recommended 8-10 cups daily! The bottle is 750 ml which, according to WikiAnswers, is 3 cups. So I need to drink 3 bottles per day. Wow. I usually barely make it through 1!
6/14/09
Day 3
I ate. Had to eat dinner with housemates--we all did a sit-down type dinner, which I absolutely HATE like nothing else. Anyway, that wasn't too bad; I had some sugar-free oatmeal (100 cals per packet) with Truvia and cinnamon.
Then some people came over and we had a few drinks and played a few games. I had 1-2 shots of whiskey mixed with my diet grapefruit soda (yum) and then switched to water. So I'm estimating maybe another 100 cals.
Then I weighed myself. Bad move. I was the number on the scale was water weight from all the drinking games...but it was so disappointing. My resolve cracked.
So I had a mini-binge. It was actually really odd for me. I deliberated a long time over it, almost talked myself out of it. But not quite. Luckily, I managed to STOP before it got heinous (another really odd moment). So today's total:
oatmeal-100
alcohol-100
1 mini pretzel-6
2 Special K bars-180
4 dill pickle slices-25
-----------------------
total: 411
Now I know that you are probably sitting there and going, "411? That's not a binge!" And believe me, I know that. Usually when I talk binge, I'm talking eat-everything-in-the-house, don't-even-bother-counting-calories, gorging. I'm counting this time as a binge because a) I'd planned on eating nothing, b) I definitely went into my "binge mode" mentality, and c) if I were home alone, I'd probably be stuffing myself right now. Thank god my housemates are here.
I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. 411 is not a bad number at all; it could be much worse. I definitely am not dehydrated at all tonight. And maybe it'll boost my metabolism a bit.
I think tomorrow I will bike to work. Make up for today.
Then some people came over and we had a few drinks and played a few games. I had 1-2 shots of whiskey mixed with my diet grapefruit soda (yum) and then switched to water. So I'm estimating maybe another 100 cals.
Then I weighed myself. Bad move. I was the number on the scale was water weight from all the drinking games...but it was so disappointing. My resolve cracked.
So I had a mini-binge. It was actually really odd for me. I deliberated a long time over it, almost talked myself out of it. But not quite. Luckily, I managed to STOP before it got heinous (another really odd moment). So today's total:
oatmeal-100
alcohol-100
1 mini pretzel-6
2 Special K bars-180
4 dill pickle slices-25
-----------------------
total: 411
Now I know that you are probably sitting there and going, "411? That's not a binge!" And believe me, I know that. Usually when I talk binge, I'm talking eat-everything-in-the-house, don't-even-bother-counting-calories, gorging. I'm counting this time as a binge because a) I'd planned on eating nothing, b) I definitely went into my "binge mode" mentality, and c) if I were home alone, I'd probably be stuffing myself right now. Thank god my housemates are here.
I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. 411 is not a bad number at all; it could be much worse. I definitely am not dehydrated at all tonight. And maybe it'll boost my metabolism a bit.
I think tomorrow I will bike to work. Make up for today.
Buying Power
So I went to the grocery store this morning. Needed to stock up on some essentials (read: diet coke).
Ended up buying some food--not with the intention of eating it, mind you. Instead, it's meant to fake the housemates out. And I have a ]trip this week. People always try to feed you on trips. I'm convinced it's a nefarious scheme. Anyway, I'll need to bring some snacks so I can say, "Oh, I ate earlier," or, "I'm just going to grab something in the hotel room".
Also got some Truvia, which I haven't tried before (I am a Splenda addict) and some diet Swiss Miss (25 cals per packet) which I also have not tried before.
And finally, we get to the most exciting part of my trip: diet Sierra Mist with (wait for it...) GRAPEFRUIT flavor! I am such a sucker for grapefruit juice and I was not aware that such a thing existed before today. Had one when I got home and it was delish.
I was tempted by the ice cream row (pomegranate sorbet, mmm), but managed to hold myself back. All in all, a good trip!
Ended up buying some food--not with the intention of eating it, mind you. Instead, it's meant to fake the housemates out. And I have a ]trip this week. People always try to feed you on trips. I'm convinced it's a nefarious scheme. Anyway, I'll need to bring some snacks so I can say, "Oh, I ate earlier," or, "I'm just going to grab something in the hotel room".
Also got some Truvia, which I haven't tried before (I am a Splenda addict) and some diet Swiss Miss (25 cals per packet) which I also have not tried before.
And finally, we get to the most exciting part of my trip: diet Sierra Mist with (wait for it...) GRAPEFRUIT flavor! I am such a sucker for grapefruit juice and I was not aware that such a thing existed before today. Had one when I got home and it was delish.
I was tempted by the ice cream row (pomegranate sorbet, mmm), but managed to hold myself back. All in all, a good trip!
6/13/09
Day 2
I went out with the work people for "dinner" tonight. I managed to beg off, saying I wasn't really hungry, and just stuck with my water. It's a really lame excuse, I know. I'm going to have to be more careful in the future...don't want anyone getting suspicious. I'm not a great dissembler as it is, so every little move counts.
It's odd; you'd think that displaying that sort of willpower would make me more determined. Instead, it almost triggered a binge. I was so frustrated. Their food looked and smelled so good, and I was wishing the whole time that I had something to shove in my mouth. I don't actually eat food, really. I don't taste it as I shovel it down. My mouth just wants something to do.
Anyway, I held out for the duration of dinner. Got home and knew that I had a half bag of pretzels in the pantry and that I could stuff my face full and finish off that bag. Drank a Diet Coke (slooowly) and somehow stopped myself. Didn't eat a thing. I suppose I should be proud of myself for that, but really I'm just ashamed that I came so close to breaking already. On only the second day of liquid fasting.
It's odd; you'd think that displaying that sort of willpower would make me more determined. Instead, it almost triggered a binge. I was so frustrated. Their food looked and smelled so good, and I was wishing the whole time that I had something to shove in my mouth. I don't actually eat food, really. I don't taste it as I shovel it down. My mouth just wants something to do.
Anyway, I held out for the duration of dinner. Got home and knew that I had a half bag of pretzels in the pantry and that I could stuff my face full and finish off that bag. Drank a Diet Coke (slooowly) and somehow stopped myself. Didn't eat a thing. I suppose I should be proud of myself for that, but really I'm just ashamed that I came so close to breaking already. On only the second day of liquid fasting.
6/12/09
Day 1
Liquid fast (decided not to do straight water yet).
I biked to work and back today. It was a good ride; I felt accomplished afterwards. I think I need to look into a new bike seat though...the one I've got is kind of a pain in the ass (literally).
I was going to go to a shin-dig tonight with some work people, but instead I holed up with my computer. They left without me, but I don't really care that much. I don't mind being antisocial. Besides, they were talking barbeque. Which is simple to get out of, since I am veggie, but I suck at those social situations. When everyone around me is eating, it's so much easier to make excuses to myself. Just this once. You can start your fast tomorrow. Which always leads to binging. I'm a weak individual.
I suppose I am a bit hurt at being left out...but it's my own fault, after all.
I biked to work and back today. It was a good ride; I felt accomplished afterwards. I think I need to look into a new bike seat though...the one I've got is kind of a pain in the ass (literally).
I was going to go to a shin-dig tonight with some work people, but instead I holed up with my computer. They left without me, but I don't really care that much. I don't mind being antisocial. Besides, they were talking barbeque. Which is simple to get out of, since I am veggie, but I suck at those social situations. When everyone around me is eating, it's so much easier to make excuses to myself. Just this once. You can start your fast tomorrow. Which always leads to binging. I'm a weak individual.
I suppose I am a bit hurt at being left out...but it's my own fault, after all.
6/11/09
New Beginnings
Beginnings are inextricably linked to endings. There's a beautiful sorrow inherent in that concept; I'm only just realizing how true it really is.
I've been reading up on water fasting. The idea of cleansing myself, purifying my body appeals. I want to be rid of the last 6 toxic years. I want to be myself again.
So tomorrow morning is a new beginning for me. Hopefully I'll end up happier than I am now.
I've been reading up on water fasting. The idea of cleansing myself, purifying my body appeals. I want to be rid of the last 6 toxic years. I want to be myself again.
So tomorrow morning is a new beginning for me. Hopefully I'll end up happier than I am now.
6/8/09
Introductions
If there's one thing that I truly despise, it's introductions. "Don't judge a book by it's cover," admonishes the old adage. The same applies to first blog posts.
It feels like a huge responsibility: to be setting the tone of the entire blog in just a few opening sentences. Already, you are conceiving notions about me, expectations about this story. Impressions which may prove to be false, and thoughts that may be more accurate than you suspect.
I myself have no idea what this blog will become. I am simply looking for a place to be myself, to vent when I need to. I don't expect anyone to really read my rubbish, and I offer my hearty apologies to anyone who does. If you choose to read, I cannot stop you. But I will give fair warning: this blog will most likely be filled with petty angst, with uninteresting personal reflections, and with unhealthy thoughts and goals.
Namaste.
It feels like a huge responsibility: to be setting the tone of the entire blog in just a few opening sentences. Already, you are conceiving notions about me, expectations about this story. Impressions which may prove to be false, and thoughts that may be more accurate than you suspect.
I myself have no idea what this blog will become. I am simply looking for a place to be myself, to vent when I need to. I don't expect anyone to really read my rubbish, and I offer my hearty apologies to anyone who does. If you choose to read, I cannot stop you. But I will give fair warning: this blog will most likely be filled with petty angst, with uninteresting personal reflections, and with unhealthy thoughts and goals.
Namaste.
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