I am full of failure.  I have binged like a ravening beast today, ending November on what is surely the worst feeling I have had in a long time.  (I feel so awful right now, so sick.  This is the first true binge in about 3 weeks...I was doing SO WELL...I had forgotten this truly horrendous feeling.  I hope to whatever god there may be that I remember this and it deters me next time.  Ugh.  I cannot even bear to consider what the scale will say tomorrow.)

BUT.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow is a new month.  The last month of 2009, in fact. 

I have changed so much over this past year.  I am a completely different person right now than I was one year ago. 

My challenge in December is to continue this trend.

Procrastinating still.

The housemates return today.  The apartment has been cold and silent in their absence.  Serene.

She is visiting this week.  Not sure exactly when.  Not to see me, of course--never that!  The thought is laughable at best.  We were never really friends anyway.  She was always his friend first and foremost. 

I am not sure whether I hope I see her or I hope I don't.  I am not thin enough to see her yet.

If she does see me, I want her to see me with D.  I want to look amazing.  I want her to see that I am happy now, without him.  I want her to be jealous.  I want her to eat her words (childish, self-centered, all your fault, everything, it's all your fault).

Not sure if this makes me a bad person.  But you know what?  Right now, I really don't fucking care.

Bluh.  I am in SUCH a bingey mood right now.  And I know it's just because I'm stressed because of all the shit I have to do today that I'm procrastinating on right now.  I know that.  It's not helping.  I am like two seconds away from I-don't-know-what. 

Auuugh and I did so well over Thanksgiving!

I cannot ruin this.  I have been making so much progress.  I have not had a calorific binge in so long.  I can do this.  I will be strong.  (I'm going crazy right now...)

To Do:

• update more
• be more interesting

This will happen soon, I promise.  After finals are done.  It's just crap, this time of the semester.  And don't even get me started on grad applications.  Ugh.  Don't want to think about it.

Tense moment with D the other day...I have Blogger bookmarked and he noticed (he was trying to fix something on my computer) and asked if I blogged.  Ummmm, haha!  "No, I just follow some of my friends' blogs...L has a blog.  She doesn't update it often, though."  Lucky he didn't click on it!

I am dreading dreading dreading the return home for Thanksgiving break.  I am putting it off as long as I can--I'm actually not leaving campus until tomorrow so that I can get home late Wednesday night.  But we have to go to my cousin's on Thursday.  It will be torture.  Pretty much any family interaction in my family is always bad...but this will be especially so.  Definitely not looking forward to it.  And my cousin's family is of the beanpole variety: all model body-types, tall and skinny, but they eat like mad.  They devour food like there is no tomorrow.  Like the crops have all been destroyed by alien crop-circles and we must all take advantage of what we have (which would actually be completely counter-intuitive, because really you should be rationing the scant supplies).  And they notice if you do not do the same.

Going home is definitely a trigger for me.  Even thinking about it is inducing binge-urges.  Do not want.

But I have a plan.  Of sorts.  I have no idea what food will be there, of course.  But my fam is vegan.  So that should help.  I will be as picky as possible, and that is within character for me.  I have tons and tons of work to get done over break, so I will take that with me and just stay busy the entire time.  And they always put me at the kids table (which is completely absurd...I am a legal adult, for fuck's sake!), so it should be fairly easy not to fuck up intake completely.

If I can still be at GW3 upon my return (I am coming back as early as possible too...leaving my hometown on Friday morning, wootwoot!), I will count Thanksgiving as a resounding success.

I wonder if anyone will notice that I have lost weight?

It is so odd.  The scale tells me I am lighter (actually, I am seeing numbers that I have not seen since high school.  This is wonderful) and I can see that I am making progress (and it is amazing!), but I also have so much farther to go.  I still look so gooey.  I still feel so heavy.

Ah well.  Little by little, Salix.  Inch by inch.  Pound by pound.

Official reaching of GW3.  Am not entirely sure it is not an illusion.  Cannot let myself be happy in case it is.

Fasted all day yesterday in anticipation of concert and little black dress today.  Water and tea only (not even any sweetener).  Consequently, am tired and have headache and overslept this morning.  Covers were too cosy and could not leave my warm safe nest of a bed for the freezing outdoor world.

i just wish i could crawl back into bed and sleep until i was not tired...

I am reading and following and loving you all.

I have nothing to say lately...I am losing my words and I am losing time and I am losing space.  The semester is nearly over and I am not ready.

Non sequitur: I am too fat to exist some days.  Today is one such day.

I need a hug.

I need to stop fucking eating everything around me.

I need to stop procrastinating.

I need to actually make progress.

In any area of my life.  I'm not picky at this point...

Bingey.  Tired.  Headachey.  Getting that sick feeling in my sinuses and throat.  Likely from lack of sleep.

there is too much work and not enough time.  there is never enough time.  D is wonderful and amazing and tells me I am incredible but it cannot last.  i must remember that he will leave as everyone else has.  life is a transitory thing.  one mustn't get attached to it.

I have a boyfriend.