Too much work (that I am not doing) and too few words.
Too much food.

I wish I knew what I weigh.  I need a scale.  In 3 days it will be back to my apartment and I can see how much I've gained.  I can't see a gain in my collarbone or in my face, but I have been eating and eating and eating so I know I have gained.  I told this to D yesterday and he said, "Actually, you have been eating really normally lately.  And I have been thinking you are slimming up a bit.  I didn't want to say so, because with you that's kind of a loaded statement...your metabolism must be getting back toward normal."

Bullshit.  I am fat.

I don't want to go back to school.  I am just waiting to be caught out as a failure, to finally have someone realize that I do not actually belong in a graduate program.  That I have not accomplished anything since I got there.

I just want to stay under the covers and sleep my life away.

Happy Christmas, everyone!  I love you!

Again again apologies for the lack of posting.  It is more difficult to do here at D's with others around.  His cousins are coming to visit tomorrow and so there will be many many people and probably no alone time.

D is stressed and cranky and tired and it makes him much shorter with me than usual.  And I overreact as I always do and that is just a recipe for badness and hurt feelings.

But today we cuddled up and watched some tv and I fell asleep on his lap and it was good.

I am eating too much and all the time and I can't handle it.

I am not getting any work done.  I curl up with blankets and read and read and eat.  I have no motivation to do thesis work.  Every day that I procrastinate just builds the load up more and it is at the point where I cannot bear to face it anymore.  My tower is toppling and burying me in rubble.

Of course, the upside to that is that I don't feel like eating.

Sorry for no posting.  I suck.

Went home.  Came back.  Wasn't too bad.  Stayed in the hotel with D and did not visit family alone so there was no binging.  That's good.

I feel really unwanted and unnecessary and unattractive today.

I miss you guys.

I take it all back.  Every word.

And in the interest of privacy and innuendo, that is all I shall say about that!

I'm freaking out hardcore about food still, though.  Oh well.

I am at D's and I am tired.  Again.  Still.  When am I not tired?  I have purple-y spots around my eyes.  Maybe tonight I will get to sleep.

D tells me I am wonderful and beautiful and everything anyone could ever want.  Why is it not enough?  I know he's not going to make a move in his mom's house with her upstairs.  Too bad we didn't go by his apartment first.  I wore cute panties and everything.

Pffft even if we had I bet nothing would have happened.  I hate feeling like he doesn't want me.  I know it's not true.  If he didn't want me he wouldn't be with me.  We wouldn't be planning a future together.

I just want to feel sexy for once.  I know I'm fat and awkward and unattractive, but even we fatties want to be desired.  Maybe I read too many junk romances as a kid.  Maybe the real world doesn't work like that.

New therapist says I always twist things around so that I can blame myself for them.  She says everything is not my fault.

But I'm still thinking, "If only I were skinny.  If I were skinny and pretty he would want me."

Today I am confused.  Not about anything, specifically.  Just...confused.

I feel like I am on the edge of a realization, of something thought-worthy, of something insightful but my brain won't cooperate and I cannot think today and I have other work I ought to be doing anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I am not coherent anymore.  Or maybe I mean cohesive.  What is holding me together?  I am I am I am.  I am not?  I don't know.  I am confused.

I did eat yesterday.  More than I wanted, less than I could have.  Success?  Failure?

Today I am drinking calorifically horrible but delicious drinks.  Caramel apple spice.  Mango juice.  Good?  Bad?

Maybe neither.  Maybe nothing is good or bad or success or failure.  Maybe things just are.

I don't know what to say anymore.  I am still on that edge.

The thing about not eating is that you lose so much so fast the first few days.  In two days I have lost 13.5 lbs.  Yeah, I know it is pretty much all water & food weight, but still.  Do you have any idea how triggering it is to lose that much so quick?  (Of course you do.  You've probably all gone through it.)

Yesterday: 5 baby carrots, 5 green grapes, 1 celery stick = 45 cals.  Plus 3 cups of coffee which had me going off the walls.

Today I will eat something.  That feels like such a weird goal to have.  I don't want to eat.  I don't need to eat; I have enough fat on my body to sustain at least a month of fasting.

But not eating will only lead to a binge.

And D would be unhappy.

Still.  I don't feel like eating today.  I don't even want to think about it.

I have on my desk 11 green grapes (~45 cals) and two clementines (40 cals each).  I will eat something today.

SO MUCH WORK.

SO LITTLE TIME.

...

SO MUCH COFFEE.

...

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Today I cleaned and rearranged my entire room.  And it was good.  Now my bed is sandwiched between my desk and the wall, with the bookcase at the foot of the bed.  It makes a cozy corner for me to curl up in.  It also leaves a large space in the rest of the room, so if I get a Kinect I will have space to play with it.  (I played DanceCentral with a friend a few weeks ago and I am absolutely in love.  I can't force myself to the gym lately because I am SO FUCKING FAT but this would be a workout I could do in my room...and it's really fun.  Plus, who knows?  I might learn to dance a little.  My current dancing is like the spastic flailing and jerking movements of an upset chihuahua.  I know I'm a musician and should be able to keep beat...and I can in my head...but my body doesn't follow it at all.)  I don't know.  We'll see.  My parents don't give xmas presents and I could never accept something like that from D because that is WAY too much money to spend on me.  So I would have to get it for myself.  And that depends largely on $$$.  (Doesn't it always?  We grad students are a poor lot.  One of my friends in the program, J, was joking with us the other day that bananas are her new favorite fruit because they are so cheap.)

That's another thing about binges.  NOT COST-EFFECTIVE.

Today I haven't binged though.  :)

I haven't eaten, either.  I walked to the coffee shop on my street and got a soy cappuccino about half an hour ago, just so that I would have something with some calories besides the daily vitamins.  (And also because coffee is GOOD and I need to stay up later so I can finish this essay because I took a nap earlier instead of working on it.)  I should probably have some dinner, but I don't really feel like eating.  So maybe I won't.

Is this a flipping of the switch?  God, I hope so.  I am so ready to be in control again.  I'm thinking about just camping out in my office this week.  I am safe there.  It's as big as my dorm room in college was, and there's showers and stuff downstairs, so it's totally do-able.  Maybe I will.

I am wondering how the trip to D's will be this time.  On the one hand, I can't SERIOUS-BINGE there...on the other, I'll be eating 3 meals per day and some of those at restaurants.  Because D likes eating out, and he never skips meals.  He gets very very cranky when he is hungry.  And if I eat an entire restaurant portion I feel out-of-control and huge.

Here's an example from over Thanksgiving:
Breakfast: tomato sandwich (mustard, tomato, cabbage leaf because he didn't have any lettuce on a slice of 100-cal flat bread)--okay.  Totally in control and feeling fine.
Lunch:  we went to a lunch & movie place and I ate the entire veggie burger AND serving of fries--NOT ok.  Felt like a binge.
Dinner:  pizza with D and friend.  Usually I have to get a separate sandwich or salad because of the vegan thing but it turns out that the pizza place had added vegan cheese to their menu, so we shared a veggie pizza.  I had TWO size-able slices.  D had 2 as well, but only because I told him that he should have another so that I could have another.  Friend only had 1 slice.  Also I didn't have water to drink as is my norm...I had LEMONADE.  WITH A REFILL.--NOT OK.  Felt like a huge binge (esp. considering lunch) and made my tummy hurt something awful.  Told D this later when I was asking for stomach medication and he told me I was being ridiculous and I'd had the amount a normal person eats.  NOT TRUE.  I may have had the amount HE eats, but he is all athletic and skinny skinny with a metabolism I would die for.  And a very flat tummy.  Which I like kissing.  I can't believe I am body-envious of my boyfriend.  (He really is gorgeous though.)

Anyway though.  So visits with D curb the HOLY-GOD-EVERYTHING-IN-THE-HOUSE type binge, but they increase the likelihood of socially-acceptable binge.  Which is just not acceptable at all really.

I need to be more careful this time.  Especially since we are visiting my parents which is always always binge-inducing.  I don't think I can stay in that house.  I can't.  I am going to beg D to let me stay at the hotel with him.

And maybe it's just that the number on the scale was so high yesterday and it terrified me and that I haven't eaten today and I feel so good, but I remember what it's like to be empty empty and light and losing all this horrific mass, and I want that again.  So badly.

And now my head is thinking and plotting and planning and wondering.  How little can I get away with without D noticing?  How much can I lose?  


Not healthy, Salix.  You are supposed to be getting better.  D thinks you are making such progress.  HA.

It's progress to me if I stop binging.  But I'm pretty sure D would not see starving as progress.  Nor would new therapist.

Maybe I just won't tell them.

Who am I kidding though?  These lovely empty days never last.

RED TIDE OF DOOOOOOOOM.  I hate this time of the month.  No wonder I've felt so shit lately.

One week to D!

Carrot sticks and skittles.  I had skittles for breakfast this morning.  I don't even like skittles.  GAH.

Also I broke the coffee maker this morning.  But only after it had already made a cup of coffee, so that's ok.  Yes, I am an addict.

And tonight I am being sociable (GASP) and going out with some people from my department.  Should be fun.  :)

Tomorrow is Friday!  Happy Friday!  (And only one week until I go back to D's house!)

My tummy hurts and I overslept this morning and I am tiredtiredtired.  Only 9 more days until classes are out and I fly back to D.  He's taking me to visit my parents too, but let's not talk about that.

Today I am leaving the office early because I feel like it.  Also I want to take a nap before class tonight.  Also also I told A (one of my labmates) that I would go by the store and get some coffee so the lab will finally have coffee again.  Oh boy.  The excitement.  I don't want to go to the store.  It is too scary.  I don't feel controlled and so I am afraid of all the food.  Maybe I will buy myself a bag of carrot sticks.  Maybe that will keep the binge monster at bay.

What the fuck is wrong with me???  This is NOT NORMAL.