Today I cleaned and rearranged my entire room.  And it was good.  Now my bed is sandwiched between my desk and the wall, with the bookcase at the foot of the bed.  It makes a cozy corner for me to curl up in.  It also leaves a large space in the rest of the room, so if I get a Kinect I will have space to play with it.  (I played DanceCentral with a friend a few weeks ago and I am absolutely in love.  I can't force myself to the gym lately because I am SO FUCKING FAT but this would be a workout I could do in my room...and it's really fun.  Plus, who knows?  I might learn to dance a little.  My current dancing is like the spastic flailing and jerking movements of an upset chihuahua.  I know I'm a musician and should be able to keep beat...and I can in my head...but my body doesn't follow it at all.)  I don't know.  We'll see.  My parents don't give xmas presents and I could never accept something like that from D because that is WAY too much money to spend on me.  So I would have to get it for myself.  And that depends largely on $$$.  (Doesn't it always?  We grad students are a poor lot.  One of my friends in the program, J, was joking with us the other day that bananas are her new favorite fruit because they are so cheap.)

That's another thing about binges.  NOT COST-EFFECTIVE.

Today I haven't binged though.  :)

I haven't eaten, either.  I walked to the coffee shop on my street and got a soy cappuccino about half an hour ago, just so that I would have something with some calories besides the daily vitamins.  (And also because coffee is GOOD and I need to stay up later so I can finish this essay because I took a nap earlier instead of working on it.)  I should probably have some dinner, but I don't really feel like eating.  So maybe I won't.

Is this a flipping of the switch?  God, I hope so.  I am so ready to be in control again.  I'm thinking about just camping out in my office this week.  I am safe there.  It's as big as my dorm room in college was, and there's showers and stuff downstairs, so it's totally do-able.  Maybe I will.

I am wondering how the trip to D's will be this time.  On the one hand, I can't SERIOUS-BINGE there...on the other, I'll be eating 3 meals per day and some of those at restaurants.  Because D likes eating out, and he never skips meals.  He gets very very cranky when he is hungry.  And if I eat an entire restaurant portion I feel out-of-control and huge.

Here's an example from over Thanksgiving:
Breakfast: tomato sandwich (mustard, tomato, cabbage leaf because he didn't have any lettuce on a slice of 100-cal flat bread)--okay.  Totally in control and feeling fine.
Lunch:  we went to a lunch & movie place and I ate the entire veggie burger AND serving of fries--NOT ok.  Felt like a binge.
Dinner:  pizza with D and friend.  Usually I have to get a separate sandwich or salad because of the vegan thing but it turns out that the pizza place had added vegan cheese to their menu, so we shared a veggie pizza.  I had TWO size-able slices.  D had 2 as well, but only because I told him that he should have another so that I could have another.  Friend only had 1 slice.  Also I didn't have water to drink as is my norm...I had LEMONADE.  WITH A REFILL.--NOT OK.  Felt like a huge binge (esp. considering lunch) and made my tummy hurt something awful.  Told D this later when I was asking for stomach medication and he told me I was being ridiculous and I'd had the amount a normal person eats.  NOT TRUE.  I may have had the amount HE eats, but he is all athletic and skinny skinny with a metabolism I would die for.  And a very flat tummy.  Which I like kissing.  I can't believe I am body-envious of my boyfriend.  (He really is gorgeous though.)

Anyway though.  So visits with D curb the HOLY-GOD-EVERYTHING-IN-THE-HOUSE type binge, but they increase the likelihood of socially-acceptable binge.  Which is just not acceptable at all really.

I need to be more careful this time.  Especially since we are visiting my parents which is always always binge-inducing.  I don't think I can stay in that house.  I can't.  I am going to beg D to let me stay at the hotel with him.

And maybe it's just that the number on the scale was so high yesterday and it terrified me and that I haven't eaten today and I feel so good, but I remember what it's like to be empty empty and light and losing all this horrific mass, and I want that again.  So badly.

And now my head is thinking and plotting and planning and wondering.  How little can I get away with without D noticing?  How much can I lose?  


Not healthy, Salix.  You are supposed to be getting better.  D thinks you are making such progress.  HA.

It's progress to me if I stop binging.  But I'm pretty sure D would not see starving as progress.  Nor would new therapist.

Maybe I just won't tell them.

Who am I kidding though?  These lovely empty days never last.