Too much work (that I am not doing) and too few words.
Too much food.
I wish I knew what I weigh. I need a scale. In 3 days it will be back to my apartment and I can see how much I've gained. I can't see a gain in my collarbone or in my face, but I have been eating and eating and eating so I know I have gained. I told this to D yesterday and he said, "Actually, you have been eating really normally lately. And I have been thinking you are slimming up a bit. I didn't want to say so, because with you that's kind of a loaded statement...your metabolism must be getting back toward normal."
Bullshit. I am fat.
I don't want to go back to school. I am just waiting to be caught out as a failure, to finally have someone realize that I do not actually belong in a graduate program. That I have not accomplished anything since I got there.
I just want to stay under the covers and sleep my life away.
he's probably right, you know.
ReplyDeletewhen you lose weight by starving, you lose muscle mass, which makes you weigh less but look...flabby?
when you lose weight by boosting your metabolism by eating enough, you don't lose as many pounds, but what you do lose is fat, so you look leaner/thinner.
muscle burns more calories, but weighs more than soft tissue. it's a trade-off.
as for being caught out...I was under the impression that graduate school is something you do for your own personal reasons, to assist you in your individual career choice. accomplishment is purely subjective, so how could anyone else judge what you have or have not done when what you do is for you to use and apply as you see fit?
I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed right now; I think the holidays frazzle everyone, even people like me who don't celebrate any of them.
but I hope you know things will turn out without you forcing them to.
<3
p.s. Idk how many of my privatized blog followers realize this, but my entries no longer show up in your blog roll. I haven't quit blah-blahing, it's just less obvious now how much I blah-blah.
That's an amazing complement from D.!! You should enjoy it and take it. Just let yourself feel good for a moment.
ReplyDeleteI know you're feeling crazy without your scale, but you'll get it three days!! Everything will be okay, my dear. :-]
Stay strong and beautiful,
xoxo,
b.
Happy New Year!! I hope 2011 is everything you want it to be =)
ReplyDeleteOne of my GOALS for 2011 was to meet new people and hear their stories so this is me getting one step closer to ACHIEVING that goal!!
I look forward to following your blog and hearing your story =) Here is mine if your interested:
http://breanne-mayfield-2011.blogspot.com/2011/01/happy-new-year.html
Happy New Year
Bree =)
“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”