I am with D and I am so happy.  Flying back home tomorrow, but only 2 weeks after that until winter break when I will see him again!

I let him read through this blog again.  I've told him I think I would be ok with him having access to it, as long as he asks me for permission each time he wants to read it (so that I know when he will be).  I reserve the right to change my mind on this.

He says he loves me and he thinks I've made a lot of progress.  He says he's proud of me.

He also says that he is grateful that I seem to have such a supportive and loving community.  Thank you, guys, for being here for me.  You are all wonderful.

200th post.  I feel like it should be something special, but I am too lazy/tired to do anything for it.

At least it should be of a success rather than a failure.

I ate breakfast this morning (banana and skinny soy cinnamon dolce latte.  Because it was cold and snowy and we've run out of coffee in the office).  So I am counting that as a success.

Flight out is tomorrow!

News flash: I should stop reading any sort of online article about eating disorders.  Especially the inevitable commentary following.

It just makes me SO ANGRY (and NO, I will NOT link to the article, which was about whether today's media causes eating disorders because a) I refuse to support shoddy journalism and ignorant commenters and b) I don't want to inadvertently trigger anyone.  And I know that it is triggering because as I am reading this SHIT I am thinking to myself that because I am not in double digits that I am not actually disordered and that ALL of my fears about being judged are OMG TOTALLY RATIONAL!!!111!  Note that this is the same reason that I should NEVER read any sort of "Fat Acceptance" article, because at least half of the comments are OMFG FAT PEOPLE ARE ONLY FAT BECAUSE THEY ARE UNHEALTHY, GREEDY, LAZY SLOBS AND THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT FAT ACCEPTANCE ARE FAT BITCHES THEMSELVES WHO JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK.  Which is just not fucking true.)

People do not CHOOSE to be anorexic or bulimic.  At NO POINT IN MY LIFE did I say, "Huh.  I want to lose some weight.  I should stop eating." or "Wow, I feel pretty shitty right now.  Maybe I should eat everything in the goddamn fridge to stop from feeling this way."  IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT BEING THIN.  THERE ARE FRICKEN' BRAIN ALTERATIONS, PEOPLE.  PERSISTENT BRAIN ALTERATIONS. CHANGES IN CHEMISTRY AND STRUCTURE.

It's not a fucking choice.  It is a disease.  And you cannot simply CHOOSE to get better.  You can choose to fight it.  You can choose to get therapy.  You can't choose to all-of-a-sudden one day start eating normally again.  I mean, hell.  If it were that easy, I'd be eating 3 meals a day right now and not binging at all anymore.

I talk about a switch flipping in my control, but THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT WILL EVER FLIP ME BACK TO 'NORMAL'.  Even when I was eating 3 meals a day and not binging I STILL HAD ALL OF MY FUCKED-UP THOUGHTS AND NEUROSES ABOUT BODY AND FOOD.

THEY DON'T JUST GO AWAY.

Eating disorders are NOT DIETS.  They are NOT solely behavioral.  THERE ARE MENTAL ISSUES.  THAT IS WHY THEY ARE FUCKING CLASSIFIED BY THE DSM AS MENTAL DISORDERS.  And there ARE genetic components (twin studies suggest 50-80% genetic contribution.  Similar to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder).  SCIENCE SAYS SO.  That does NOT mean that they are solely genetic.  OKAY, PEOPLE?  SAYING THAT EDS HAVE A GENETIC COMPONENT DOES NOT MEAN THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT GENETIC PREDISPOSITION THAT OMG YOU CANNOT FIGHT IT, ED WILL TAKE YOU OVER.  Nature AND nurture, guys.  Every-goddamn-thing that you have a genetic predisposition for does not come to pass.  I have a genetic predisposition for immune system disorders.  I do have psoriasis, but have I had complete kidney failure like my father?  NO.  If genetics alone determined our lives, I'd be FUCKING DEAD right now.  YOUR DNA CODE CANNOT MAKE YOU FAT; NEITHER CAN IT MAKE YOU STARVE OR BINGE OR PURGE.  That's why it is called a PREDISPOSITION not a DETERMINATION.

And a HUGE FUCK YOU to people who think that ED is only a modern-day phenomenon brought on by the media.  Anorexia has been characterized back to the 16th century.  And hey, fasting girls of the 19th century?  TOTALLY HAPPENED.  THERE WAS A HUGE THING ABOUT IT.  HOW DID YOU MISS THAT?  The only reason that we think that ED is more prevalent today is that there is more attention placed on it.

Also, WHY THE FUCK is "anorexia tips" the second choice in the Google prompts list (second only to "anorexia")?  GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, PEOPLE.

IT'S A DISEASE.  YOU DON'T FUCKING WANT IT.  TRUST ME.

Difficulties in Treating ED Patients

I'm a frustrating being.

Disjointed thought time.

I am intensely gargantuan.  My weight is officially in the HOLY FUCKING GOD category.  I shouldn't have weighed myself 5 minutes ago.  At 8:30 pm.  After a day of food.  Fuck.

I wish I were starving again.  What happened to my control?  I know I am supposed to be recovering and that is certainly not a healthy wish at all, bad Salix, but anything, ANYTHING would be better than this constant binging.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Or spend the rest of my life being cuddled by D.  Which is more preferable but less likely given that he is a normal human being who does need to eat sometimes and therefore would not be able to remain in bed with me 24/7.

I've realized I'm particularly symptomatic (read: bingey) when I am down on myself.  New therapist thinks that there is some need (emotional, not nutritional) that is going unaddressed and that my binging is actually me trying to fill that need the only way I know how (i.e., to suffocate my emotions with food).

Binging is the only thing that I do for myself, it is true.  Every other thing I do is, to some extent, for someone else--living up to expectations, etc.  The only thing that is all mine only mine is binging starving behavior.  That's probably not healthy.  I should find more things to do for myself.  The problem is that I never feel like I deserve those things.

Whereas of course I deserve to binge.  Because that is a fucking punishment.  It makes me feel awful and gross and sick.  I binge on foods I don't even fucking LIKE.  It's like I am trying to hurt myself as much as possible.

I don't get it.  There's no logical rationale behind that.

*WARNING: THERE IS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF TMI IN THIS POST.  PRETTY MUCH ALL OF IT RELATES TO MY SEX LIFE.  YOU READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK*

I'm going to bitch for a bit now, because I need to vent to someone.  You're welcome to skip it if you want though.

I love D to bits and pieces; he is sweet and wonderful and amazing, but honestly?  Sometimes he really doesn't get it.  He's so uncomfortable talking about sex-type stuff.  AND I'm the first girl he'd ever really gone down on, and his reaction?  Was that I was really salty.  (TMI, I know.  Sorry.  It's relevant.)  He still does it sometimes, when I ask, but I know he doesn't like it and so I can't enjoy it either.  And I just feel repulsive and gross and unappealing.

We don't have sex because he is waiting for marriage.  And he's not very good at expressing what he wants in bed.  So I always end up being the aggressor which SUCKS because I can't tell if he really wants it or not.  I feel like I am forcing him.  I feel like a fucking RAPIST, for god’s sake!  (Is that offensive?  Probably.  Sorry, guys.)

Please forgive me for all this personal stuff.  I don't know why I am so messed up over it today.  I just want to feel sexy for once.  I know he loves me, and I feel loved, but I don't feel desired.

Is that so much to ask for?  I want him to SHOW me I am sexy, not just tell me.  Words are only words and they don’t mean all that much.  Maybe that is asking a lot.  I hate my body so much that it would probably take a gargantuan effort to even make me begin to think I might be considered sexy.  But couldn’t he at least try?

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even orgasm with him.  (TMI again.  Sorry again.  I need to get this out.)  Because I’m too busy worrying whether he is enjoying himself or not.  Whether he’s grossed out by my body or my reactions or the way I feel or taste or whatever.  I can’t relax.  I mean, it’s not like I ever orgasmed readily anyway.  I have a hard time even making myself come.  I’m just not a very sexual person in that way, I guess.  But still.  I get so wound up about whether he actually wants to be touching me in that way or he is just doing it because he feels he has to that I can’t even enjoy it anymore.  And I know that he feels bad that he can’t make me come.  And I start to consider faking it because I am a damn good faker; I did it all the time with M so I have learned how to fake-orgasm extremely well.  But I can’t do that because I promised D I wouldn’t.  And what would that accomplish anyway?  I guess he’d feel better about himself.  But I sure wouldn’t get much out of it.

Maybe it'll change when I see him again?  Maybe I'm only feeling this way because we've been apart for so long?

Maybe this time, if we even get any alone time this break/if he even WANTS alone time this break, I’ll be able to relax a bit.  Maybe this time I’ll feel sexy.


(And please don't tell me it's probably my body issues that are keeping me from feeling sexy.  I fucking KNOW that.  What I don't know is how to FIX that except lose weight which I can't do because I keep fucking BINGING all the goddamn time.)

Only 3 days until I get to see D again.  I can't wait.  We skyped last night and he looks delicious.  His hair's getting long and he's a little scruffy in the facial hair department.  Maybe it's just that I haven't gotten to see him in so long...but I am absolutely lusting after this man.  Hormones = OUT OF CONTROL.

I would post a picture so that you could see the incredible drool-worthy scrumptious-ness that is my boyfriend, but I am almost 100% certain he would not be happy with that.  So I won't.  You'll just have to use your imagination.  (Helpful hints: he's tall and slim, with dark curly hair and the bluest eyes I've ever seen.)

Anyway though.  I'm looking forward to seeing him so much that it is ridiculous.  And I really really hope that I am not building it up too much in my head.  I don't want to be disappointed.

And I am kinda worried about food and weight and eating.  I've gained weight since he saw me last.  I'm a huge blob.  UGH.  And I've been failing spectacularly at eating 3 meals a day and not binging lately.  So yeah.

And I'm already stressing and being neurotic about Thanksgiving dinner with his family.  His mother and sister are both slim and gorgeous.  His brother's wife is too.  I am going to be the fattest one there.  Food shouldn't be too bad; since I am vegan and they are not, I won't have to handle lots of options.  Though D said he wants to make something special for me.  Lovely man.  He's so sweet and thoughtful.  I wish that adorable gestures like that didn't make me panic.  Because it really is cute that he likes to cook for me.  It's just that when he does, I have to eat it.  Because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  He's a great cook.  His food is tasty.  But it's still stressful.  Plus he uses obscene amounts of olive oil when he sautees things.  I know olive oil is not horribly unhealthy.  But it is oily and greasy and has so many calories I can't stand it.

And I can't get away with just picking because his father always comments on how little I eat.  Last time we had dinner with him we went out to a Thai place and D and I shared an entree because I was having a neurotic food day and D is amazing and wanted me to feel more comfortable.  And his father kept asking if we were sure that would be enough for us.  Do you know how large a portion of curry is?  It's fucking huge.  There was enough for both of us plus leftovers.  (Which I ate the next day in a semi-binge.)

His dad is great and calls me sweetie and really is very nice.  It's just that any comments on food, particularly if it indicates that people are paying attention to what is going in my mouth stress me out like crazy.

And I just want them to like me SO BAD.  D says they do.  But what if I do something wrong?  I need to do everything right so they continue liking me and approving of our relationship.  D is very close to his family.  Much more so than I am with mine.  If they disapproved of me then that would be a huge strain on us.

I can't believe I'm actually staying at his mom's house over Thanksgiving and winter break.  I'm so afraid I will do something wrong.  I can't handle this.

And it's not like I should be stressing about Tgiving dinner.  God knows I haven't had a problem with stuffing my mouth lately.  But I am so fat and I fear they will all be looking at me thinking "she really doesn't need to be eating that."  And I can't eat anything lately without being horribly conscious of every bite unless it is a binge.  I can't eat.  Unless I'm binging.  How fucked is that?

Salix + grad school = FAIL.

So today we had an in-house conference.  I gave a presentation.  I got lots of nice comments.  I also volunteered as a ballot-counter.  So yeah.  I got to see everyone's scores.  I had the lowest.

Now to write a 15 page proposal that's due tomorrow morning...(I still need 5 more pages because I did the pre-proposal and then did jack-all else because I've been working on OTHER SHIT)

Definitely spending the night in the office tonight.

FUCK.

Update:  So people have been stopping me in the halls today to tell me how much they liked my talk.  FUCK YOU, JUDGES.