Only 3 days until I get to see D again.  I can't wait.  We skyped last night and he looks delicious.  His hair's getting long and he's a little scruffy in the facial hair department.  Maybe it's just that I haven't gotten to see him in so long...but I am absolutely lusting after this man.  Hormones = OUT OF CONTROL.

I would post a picture so that you could see the incredible drool-worthy scrumptious-ness that is my boyfriend, but I am almost 100% certain he would not be happy with that.  So I won't.  You'll just have to use your imagination.  (Helpful hints: he's tall and slim, with dark curly hair and the bluest eyes I've ever seen.)

Anyway though.  I'm looking forward to seeing him so much that it is ridiculous.  And I really really hope that I am not building it up too much in my head.  I don't want to be disappointed.

And I am kinda worried about food and weight and eating.  I've gained weight since he saw me last.  I'm a huge blob.  UGH.  And I've been failing spectacularly at eating 3 meals a day and not binging lately.  So yeah.

And I'm already stressing and being neurotic about Thanksgiving dinner with his family.  His mother and sister are both slim and gorgeous.  His brother's wife is too.  I am going to be the fattest one there.  Food shouldn't be too bad; since I am vegan and they are not, I won't have to handle lots of options.  Though D said he wants to make something special for me.  Lovely man.  He's so sweet and thoughtful.  I wish that adorable gestures like that didn't make me panic.  Because it really is cute that he likes to cook for me.  It's just that when he does, I have to eat it.  Because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  He's a great cook.  His food is tasty.  But it's still stressful.  Plus he uses obscene amounts of olive oil when he sautees things.  I know olive oil is not horribly unhealthy.  But it is oily and greasy and has so many calories I can't stand it.

And I can't get away with just picking because his father always comments on how little I eat.  Last time we had dinner with him we went out to a Thai place and D and I shared an entree because I was having a neurotic food day and D is amazing and wanted me to feel more comfortable.  And his father kept asking if we were sure that would be enough for us.  Do you know how large a portion of curry is?  It's fucking huge.  There was enough for both of us plus leftovers.  (Which I ate the next day in a semi-binge.)

His dad is great and calls me sweetie and really is very nice.  It's just that any comments on food, particularly if it indicates that people are paying attention to what is going in my mouth stress me out like crazy.

And I just want them to like me SO BAD.  D says they do.  But what if I do something wrong?  I need to do everything right so they continue liking me and approving of our relationship.  D is very close to his family.  Much more so than I am with mine.  If they disapproved of me then that would be a huge strain on us.

I can't believe I'm actually staying at his mom's house over Thanksgiving and winter break.  I'm so afraid I will do something wrong.  I can't handle this.

And it's not like I should be stressing about Tgiving dinner.  God knows I haven't had a problem with stuffing my mouth lately.  But I am so fat and I fear they will all be looking at me thinking "she really doesn't need to be eating that."  And I can't eat anything lately without being horribly conscious of every bite unless it is a binge.  I can't eat.  Unless I'm binging.  How fucked is that?