Difficulties in Treating ED Patients

I'm a frustrating being.

Disjointed thought time.

I am intensely gargantuan.  My weight is officially in the HOLY FUCKING GOD category.  I shouldn't have weighed myself 5 minutes ago.  At 8:30 pm.  After a day of food.  Fuck.

I wish I were starving again.  What happened to my control?  I know I am supposed to be recovering and that is certainly not a healthy wish at all, bad Salix, but anything, ANYTHING would be better than this constant binging.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Or spend the rest of my life being cuddled by D.  Which is more preferable but less likely given that he is a normal human being who does need to eat sometimes and therefore would not be able to remain in bed with me 24/7.

I've realized I'm particularly symptomatic (read: bingey) when I am down on myself.  New therapist thinks that there is some need (emotional, not nutritional) that is going unaddressed and that my binging is actually me trying to fill that need the only way I know how (i.e., to suffocate my emotions with food).

Binging is the only thing that I do for myself, it is true.  Every other thing I do is, to some extent, for someone else--living up to expectations, etc.  The only thing that is all mine only mine is binging starving behavior.  That's probably not healthy.  I should find more things to do for myself.  The problem is that I never feel like I deserve those things.

Whereas of course I deserve to binge.  Because that is a fucking punishment.  It makes me feel awful and gross and sick.  I binge on foods I don't even fucking LIKE.  It's like I am trying to hurt myself as much as possible.

I don't get it.  There's no logical rationale behind that.