This is going to be a whiny post.  So first I will do a Fun Time Activity (TM) from Kazehana.  Then the whiny/depressed Salix part at the end for easy skippage.

1. Your first car: What was it's name, color, make and model and what's one good story about something ridiculous that happened in it? (e.g. my first car was named Pablo, burgundy '78 vw bug. once swerved up a hill and ran over a neighbor's lawn while driving high in a hail storm.)

My first car was a white '88 station wagon.  I called it White Trash.  One time I was parked and a deer charged my front door.  He bounced off, dazed and confused, and ran away into the woods.  Totally bizarre.

2. Who was your first best friend and how did you get rid of them (or if you got dumped, how did they give you the shaft)? I'm talking grade school, people...I want the playground dirt.

Hmmm...my first best friend was this cute little girl called Courtney (I think?  My memory's hazy & we moved around a lot when I was a kid).  This was before grade school, actually; I guess I was around 4.  We "broke up" when my family moved away.

3. Once upon a time there was a world with no television; if you lived then, what the fuck would you have done to entertain yourself instead of hanging out in front of the tube?

What I do now!  Books.  :D  I grew up without a TV, so not really a big deal for me.

4. What's the most vivid dream you've had in the past week?

I don't remember any...I know.  I'm totally lame.  In my defense, I haven't gotten all that much sleep lately.

5. A Wookie, a Jawa and an Ewok steal a TIE fighter. Where the hell are they going?!

For fro-yo, OF COURSE!

6. Revenge or PRE-venge?

Revenge.  I don't have time to preemptively mess with people.  :P



Okay, whiny time.

I'm so sick of snow.  UGH.  Make it stop.  It was fucking icy as hell when I went to the office yesterday.  Also I think I'm coming down with a cold.

FH and I haven't had sex in forever.  We used to have sexy times nearly every day, and sex has always been awesome with him.  Now we're having sex maybe once every other week if I'm lucky and I feel like he's not enjoying it as much...I feel like he's only doing it to make me happy.  Which sucks.  I want him to have sex with me because he wants to & because he enjoys it.  It also sucks because I'm fat lately and my self-esteem is pretty much down to absolute zero.  Yeah, I'm running at -273 degrees C.  (/nerd)  Soooo I end up worrying that he's not attracted to me anymore & that everything is my fault, which makes me miserable.

I've talked about it with him.  He says he still likes me, he still finds me attractive, blah blah blah.  And I should note that it isn't like he's become more distant in any other way.  He still hugs me & such.  Just nothing sexual.  He says I worry too much and I should "stop worrying about unimportant things".  And that he just hasn't been feeling like sex lately.  He also thinks that I use sex as validation too much, that I'm doing it just to "feel pretty".

And he's probably mostly right.  (Except I don't have sex just to feel pretty.  I admit that having someone desire me is a confidence booster, but I really just enjoy having sex with him.  It's fun!)  But dood, I don't handle rejection well.  Especially when I have no internal self-confidence.  And it is really really really hard to tell myself that I am desirable when he doesn't even get aroused around me anymore.  Seriously.  I can wander around completely naked--I can SHOWER WITH HIM, for pete's sake--and no physical response from him at all.

So yeah.  I don't know what to do, at this point.  I can't keep being visibly upset about it or that'll probably turn him off even more.  Insecurity is not sexy.  And I can't really do anything about him.  So all I can do is work on myself.  I need to make a new plan.  I like plans.  They make me feel better.  More organized.

I guess y'all can tell I've been pretty miserable lately.  I kind of hate life.  I'm back to wishing I could just hide in the covers and sleep forever.  I'm back to thinking about pills and knives and blood and drowning in the bathtub.  Not good things.  My body disgusts me.  I'm not at my highest weight ever, but I'm darned close.  I'm having a hard time focusing on anything because I feel so overwhelmed.  Not good, since this is critical thesis time.  I am unhappy and I don't feel like I will ever be happy again.  I'm also withdrawing (with the excuse of too much work, which actually is true, but withdrawing still isn't good--because I feel less connected to everyone, I feel I have no one to talk to, I feel I have less support).  I barely talk to anyone on fb anymore and I've basically stopped responding to texts.  It's too much effort.

Can anyone say depression?  Wheee such fun.  I'd wear a silver ribbon.  (Google The Bloggess silver ribbon if you don't get the reference.  Then go read her blog because it's amazing.  You're welcome.)

Anyway, the long & short of it is: I'm feeling shit.  And I think a lot of it has to do with my unhappiness with my body & eating habits, and also my lack of coping mechanisms.

So I'm regressing slightly into bad coping mechanisms.  (By which I mean restriction.)  Just for a little while.  Just until I feel ready to deal again.  I know it's not the strongest/healthiest decision...but right now I think it's the best I can do.  Because I'm terrified of continuing this way.  Each day suicide seems more and more like an option and that really really scares me.

I'm also in this yoga class, so maybe that will help.  I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, but I was a bit sore after the first day.  I'm in horrible shape.  I'm the fattest in the class.  This makes it much harder for me to actually go--I have to fight back shame each time--but I paid for it, so gosh darn if I won't go to every single damned session.

Okay, whine over.  Hopefully this cold will pass soon, some weight will disappear, and I will start to feel better about myself.