Another FH whine.  Other things first: meeting went surprisingly okay.  Program works now except for the last tiny part.  Much relief.

The backstory here is that I had another fight with FH yesterday, because I am pushing about the talk that we need to have and he doesn't want to talk about anything.  And by fight I mean I got upset and then he got upset and I went and cried in the bath.  When he gets upset he just closes everything off.  I've been enduring what's basically the silent treatment all day today.  I am very bad at dealing with the silent treatment.  I prefer to talk issues over and sort them out.  He prefers not to talk when he's angry (and lately apparently not to talk about anything important at all).  But then at dinner things seemed okay.  So of course I pushed my luck later (because I am stupid and I can never resist the urge to poke at things).

Me:  Can we have sex?
FH:  Mmm?
Me:  Well, we haven't in a while.  And I want to.  I want you.
FH:  Mmm.
Me:  Is that an mmm yes or an mmm no?
FH:  No.
Me:  Why not?
FH:  Because.
Me:  Okay.  Will you talk to me then?
FH:  No.
Me:  Why not?
FH:  Because.
Me:  Okay.
(And I pull away.  I'm not going to cry over this again, dammit.  But I can't let it go there--I never stop when I should.)  
Me:  Don't you want to date me anymore?
FH:  Yes.
Me:  Is that a yes, you do want to date me or a yes, you don't?
FH:  Yes, I do.
Me:  Then I need you to talk to me!  Or write me a letter or something!  I know it's difficult for you.  But if we don't talk about stuff, nothing will ever get better.
(By this point I'm close to tears, so I leave.)


He's promised we'll talk.  But I don't know when.  I asked.  He said, "When I want to."  I asked when that would be.  "I don't know."  I said, "What about what I want?"  No answer.  "It doesn't matter, does it?  It doesn't matter what I want."  No answer.  (This is what I mean by the fucking silent treatment.)

I swear to god, it's like pulling teeth.  Is this man worth all the trouble?  He's wonderful in every single goddamn other way.  The only issues are this whole won't-talk-things-over and silent treatment bit and the sex thing.  And, I mean, those are kind of big issues.  It's been 3 weeks now of no sex, no play, no overtures, nothing.  I feel kind of weird letting that bother me so much (the southern girl in me thinks I shouldn't want sex, that it isn't "proper" for a girl.  Fuck off, southern-girl-brain).  But it does bother me.  I like sex.  And FH and I used to have amazing sex.

The thing about FH is that his entire life-view is very cynical and what I would call selfish.  He does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.  If he doesn't want to do something, he won't do it.  I mean, he's not an utter asshole or anything.  Just, I guess, from my point of view, a bit self-centered.  I think this also comes from being so cynical.  Once he told me, "This world is shit and I know it's shit and you know it's shit.  So why think about later?  Do things to be happy now.  Don't waste time doing boring things or things you don't want to do."

But here's where that falls apart: if he cares about me, shouldn't he want to do things that make me happy?  Shouldn't making me happy make him happy?  I'm forever doing things for other people that I wouldn't have done otherwise.  Sometimes I do things I hate because I know it will make someone happy.  FH thinks its because I can't say no.  But I can say no.  I do things like that because I care about the people I do them for.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  I mean, yeah, of course you need to take care of yourself too, and I am notoriously bad at putting myself first (case in point, here I am fretting over FH when I could be doing something else to make me happy), but I just don't get why anyone wouldn't do stuff like that.  It's easy and it feels good to make someone I care about happy.

Taking this to the logical conclusion leads me to think that FH doesn't care that much about me or my happiness.  I have told him that I'm miserable lately and he doesn't respond.  Yesterday during the fight (just before I hid in the bath), I said, "It doesn't matter.  I don't matter.  You've made that abundantly clear.  I don't matter to you.  Or at least not as much as you matter."

I think I hurt his feelings with that one.

I called him selfish once before.  I don't like being mean like that.  I felt bad as soon as I said it.  We were talking about sex.  I said something like the paragraph above: how his worldview was essentially selfish and why doesn't he want to do something that will make me happy?  He got really mad.  "You're saying you want me to have sex with you when I don't want to?"  Well, of course not!  I don't want him to have sex with me just so I can have sex.  I want him to WANT TO have sex with me.

And he doesn't.

I can't get a physical response from him, at least as far as I can tell.  Not even when we shower together.

I don't know what changed.

I don't want to fight with him.  I don't want to break up.  It would be messy and very complicated especially since we live together.  And I really like him.  Up until a few months ago, this relationship was completely awesome.  It's still awesome, except when I push on the subjects of sex or talking seriously.  But I can't not push.  These are important things.  I can't just ignore them.

I don't know what to do.