FH & I talked. It was a very long talk. And I feel better about some things and not-so-better about others.
The sex thing. He made this distinction: that he doesn't not-want me, he just doesn't want sex. Which I don't really understand. Sex is fun, it feels good, we were having awesome sex before, so why wouldn't he want it? And he said, "It's like, sometimes you really want a food that you love. But sometimes you'd prefer to eat something else. It isn't that you don't like that food anymore, just that you're not in the mood for it." (I derived some mild amusement from this choice of analogy--of course he didn't think about the irony of discussing eating & emotions about food with a disordered person.)
Anyway, there's not really that much I can do about this. If he doesn't want sex, we won't have sex. It still bothers me that he doesn't seem to be turned on by my body anymore. I don't think that will stop bothering me anytime soon. But it helps mildly to remember that it isn't ME specifically he's rejecting; it's sex itself.
His take on relationships is thus: relationships aren't for satisfying one emotionally. Relationships are above & beyond that. So each person is good on their own, and together they are better. Which yes, theoretically I agree with. It's in practice that this doesn't work as well for me. I depend a lot on other people for my happiness. And that's scary. Which is why secretly I want someone to depend on me as well. In lovely, horrible co-dependence. (If I ever actually had a relationship like this, I think I would absolutely hate it.) But my self-esteem isn't enough for me to be happy on my own. YET. Maybe someday I'll get there...
We talked about compromises vs. sacrifices and the consensus is that compromise is good and necessary but not so for sacrifice. He got upset when I said that sometimes I do things I don't really want to because I think he'd like it. Said that, yes, sometimes you have to do things you don't really like, so for example we share dish-washing & chores etc. But also he likes horror movies which I can't handle, so he would never ask me to watch one with him. And he wouldn't like it if I did watch one with him just because he wanted me to. I still don't really see the problem with doing things because it will make other people happy. Altruism is never truly altruistic; you always derive some good feeling from doing something for someone else. But while FH was talking, I realized that one of my thoughts is that sacrifice shows you care--that I'm looking for sacrifice on his part as a demonstration of his care. I really don't like that I've been doing that! And all of a sudden his complaint that I am always demanding demonstration of care and forcing choices made sense. I never thought I did those things; I thought he was over-reacting or reading too much into my words. But now I see what he's saying. So that's something I need to be aware of in the future. Because I wouldn't want to be treated that way.
I said at one point, somewhat petulantly, "I want you to love me." And he made a joke, but in essence he said, "I need you to define love for me before I can love you." Which is a tough one, right? What is love? And so I listed some things, e.g. enjoying the other person's company. And each of them he said he does. So essentially what I get from this is that he loves me but he won't call it love. I don't know why not; what harm is calling what we've got "love"? But I guess he doesn't verbalize affection much anyway, so it doesn't really matter what he calls it and what I call it.
One other big thing is my negativity. I tend to see the bad side of things (especially lately because I'm all depressed & shit). So good things like him randomly buying me a joke narwhal toy (Unicorn of the Sea!) the other day or cooking me special veggie dinners etc. get set aside in favor of focusing on bad things like him not waiting for me to walk home together one day last week (in fairness, he did need to get home to finish an assignment that was due that night & I couldn't leave the lab for another 1.5 hrs). The good things do outweigh the not-so-good. Definitely. I just need to realize that & force myself to consider both good & bad before I get all upset. Then if the bad is outweighing the good, I can totally get upset. But if it isn't...well. That's kind of a problem with perspective on my part, isn't it?
I mean, the sex thing still feels kind of big & bad. But I suspect (privately, no way will I admit this to FH) that it being such a big issue for me is kind of an issue in itself. Why do I depend so much on sexy-times for my self-esteem & confidence? I would rather be able to provide myself with those things. I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex for a little confidence boost, but that's just it--a boost. It seems like instead of having confidence of my own & just needing a boost sometimes, I have been using sex as the basis for confidence. And I don't like this. I know this tendency is exacerbated because of the depressive-ness & weight of late. But that isn't really an excuse for me to not work on it. The other reasons that I like sex are that it makes me feel closer to the other person & that it relieves stress (which I have a lot of at the moment). But I think the confidence/self-esteem aspect outweighs everything else. I mean, I react very strongly--probably overly strongly--to even just the merest hint of rejection. While I do wish FH & I were having sex more frequently, it really shouldn't be up to him to determine my self-esteem.
Anyway, the consensus outcome is that I will try to be more positive in my outlook. And FH will try to communicate better and not give me the silent treatment.
And the private outcome is that I am going to practice putting myself first. I'm going to try to be like FH--do only what I want and not do things I don't want (within reason & allowing for compromises).
In other news, I love my yoga class. It's awesome & it makes me feel good. I have a plan for February & that makes me feel more in control. I hate my thesis and I hate my advisor right now, but let's not talk about that.
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| I wish I could remember & believe this all the time. |
Oh my gods, before ANYTHING ELSE I have to do this to your ears:
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/ykwqXuMPsoc
Can you forgive me?
Each person expresses love differently. Miles and I fight over it quite often, he expresses by doing things and I express by making things, and he is far more verbal in his affections than I am. (The only thing psychs ever worked out is that I am incapable of expressing strong emotions. Damn Kiwi stoicism.) Work out how you each express love and then how you can show it to eachother so that they recognize it?
Sex is a natural mood booster, it's good for your sanity so it is PERFECTLY NORMAL for you to want it (and lots of it) with your man. Also: The female brain is wired to that it releases chemicals that say 'I am loved' when you are touched. Neuroscientists can explain it properly.
I feel really horrible, because the depression has completely eaten my sex drive and I have to actually THINK about kisses and hugs that should be spontaneous expressions of affection. I feel like I'm torturing Miles, but he says he doesn't mind. I wish we actually had time to sit down and talk about things, but we're both so busy we are rarely in the same place for more than 2 hours a week.
A little selfishness, like everything, is healthy in moderation. You've been deficient in your selfishness. Go do some things you want to do, watch a movie you've been dying to see. Invest in your sanity :)
Also: Write that on your scale. You have opposable thumbs! Use them to pick up a vivid or a sharpie and put that little bastard in its place.
Thank you so much for the Monty Python clip. I replayed it about 50 times before I had to stop coz I was laughing so hard! Do you think midget king salmon would be a good substitute for pilchards?
Graphs=Best distraction ever! Especially Graphjam on Memebase. Oh dear gods, I've had so many late nights caused by that place!
That Blogess post is now in my 'Emergency Reading' basket with 'All Black's Don't Cry' by John Kirwan. Thank you so much *hugs*
I hope you're having a good day. take care of yourself and remember to take sanity breaks from the thesising <3
*Squiddy hugs*
Argh! Not sure how to start this comment, but I definitely know that I want to say something! I know I have my own issues with past relationships, so this is probably just me projecting my own *stuff* onto you. If it is, feel free to ignore it and move on!
ReplyDeleteI guess I just wanted to say that I've been in a relationship with a really dominant personality before. He absolutely knew where he was going in life, was very strong in his own convictions and me with my 'take life as it comes, make everyone around me happy' personality got a little bit lost. There was this little part of me that kept on telling me it wasn't right, yet every time we tried to talk things out he would very rationally explain why these were my own issues... And I would very logically agree with him. It was never in a negative or a mean way... But still my issues. That kind of screws with your self esteem a little.
Now that im out of it, I don't necessarily think that anyone was right or wrong... But we certainly weren't right together. I don't think there is Anything(!) wrong with wanting sex in a relationship, or to be told that you're loved, or to have someone compromise for you on occasion... And you can have those things without a totally codependent crazy relationship too, Ive seen it happen! So, I totally agree with your idea of being a little bit selfish! Think about what you want and what you like, and don't necessarily blame your perspective if you're coming up with more negatives than positives.
I know this all probably my own stuff, but please take this as me wanting you be be a beautiful, carefree happy Salix and I can remember feeling exhausted and insecure and trapped only too well...
Much love!
Nona
Sacrifice is a tricky thing, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteThere are times when sacrifice really is an expression of caring, of meeting someone else's needs rather than focusing on your own preferences (like last week when I was feeling wretched and MG called me because I said I couldn't text him to explain why. he HATES talking on the phone. we've never done it before, but he wanted to know what was happening). And there are times when it can be an expression of martyrdom, a way to force reciprocity or artificially stimulate the other person to feel grateful.
But sacrifice is one of the founding principals of long term monogamist type relationships. One sacrifices complete autonomy in order to create a functional unit, or team. But a team can't just be two people doing whatever they feel like all the time. No team plays well that way. And yet, each player must play to their strengths and be competetent on their own without needing constant assistance from teammates to play their best.
So I can see how FH feels (being happy and complete alone) as being valid, but at the same time, a blending of your views on doing things you don't necessarily enjoy in order to foster give and take might be a happier medium.
As for the sex...apparently your libidos are not well matched? His need/want for sex doesn't align with your need/want for sex which leaves him sated and you dissatisfied. Would coming up with a schedule help? Like a sexy date night once a week? Peri is right, both men and women release more oxytocin in the context of physical expression than at other times. It makes us feel bonded to our partners by intensifying our feelings about them. It's a big deal.
As for not using sex as a way to define your confidence, I agree. Sex is not a good way to filter your self-image.
I'm at work so I can't say more, but I might email you. :)