I'm insane again.  This trip home is fucking with my head.  And I'm trying to be DONE with thesis-analysis-stuff by the end of next week, before I leave, so that all I have left is writing writing writing.  I'm not sure this goal is humanly possible.  Lately I feel like it's all take one step forward, slide three steps back.

Over the past week, my caffeine consumption has skyrocketed.  And my food consumption has dropped.  Like, a lot.  Partly due to upset stomach (too much caffeine+anxiety); mostly due to anticipatory stress about the trip home.  Where I'll probably end up binging because that's what happens when I go home & interact with my mother.  :(

The other thing about going home (and probably the reason I'm not as upset about my very low caloric intake as I ought to be) is...well, it's kind of messed up.  Don't judge, okay?  I need to vent about this.

I'm going to see Hot Boy M again.  In fact, he's offered me to stay at his place again.  Double in fact, he was planning on being out of town--until I told him that I was going to be in town.  And then he post-poned his trip.  Yeah.

So I don't really know what's going to happen with that.  I suspect (hope?) we'll end up sleeping together again.  I'm not opposed to this...I just don't know if that's what he wants/intends to happen.  I suppose why wouldn't he?  We did before.  It was fun.  It's uncomplicated because we both know it's not going to go any further.  (There's no way we'd ever end up dating, even if we did live in the same place.)

(A note here: FH is totally okay with me sleeping with & even dating other people.  I wouldn't consider it at all if he weren't okay with it.  Though I don't think I could handle dating more than one person...and I don't really want to fuck anybody but him (and occasionally M).  It feels a little unfair, because I'm not okay with FH sleeping with/dating other people.  He assures me he's fine with that.  This is something I've been wondering about--are some people just naturally more inclined towards open relationships/polyamory than others?  I don't know.  In my case of not-being-okay, I think it's mostly to do with my low self-esteem and jealous tendencies.  Things which I don't so much like about myself, but which are difficult & slow to change.  And no, FH and I still haven't had sex/any sort of sexual intimacy.  7 weeks now.  Sad panda, but trying really hard not to push the issue.  He's stressed this week anyway; huge milestone in his work coming up next week.  I'm hoping after that things will magically improve.  And I think my week away will be good for both of us.)

Anyway, M is super-hot and fit.  Meanwhile, I'm a bit heavier than last time he saw me, with a little more kitty pouch (thanks, Kazehana, for that phrase; I LOVE IT and I'm going to use it forever).  And my face is all broken out from blah stress.  I'm just a total mess lately.  And for some reason (probably because he's so fit), I've got myself convinced that M isn't attracted to heavy girls.  (My brain apparently chooses to completely disregard the fact that last time I saw him I was not skinny by any means, and he was obviously still attracted to me then.)  So yeah.  That + my uncertainty over what's going on there is another motive for restriction.  We all know I am completely and utterly horrible at dealing with uncertainty.  And my entire life is uncertain right now (thesis, graduation, FH, M, jobs, father's failing health, freaking everything).

Maybe I'm overthinking it.  Maybe we won't sleep together and then all this worrying over my body and my lack of self-confidence will have been pointless.  It isn't that I'm feeling guilty or uncertain about sleeping with him.  I think my anxiety is more of the "What if he doesn't want me?" variety.  With all the recent rejection from FH, I doubt my capability to handle much more.  Would I be using M as an ego boost of sorts?  Yeah, kinda.  It'd be nice to feel desirable again.

Last time I saw M (last June), I was in such a different place.  Do you remember?  Things were just beginning with FH, and I was still a bit head-fucked over D, but I was so strangely not-anxious during that visit.  I ate not too little and not too much and actually sort of enjoyed food.  I felt okay in my body.  I had fun with M, and I felt pretty self-confident.  It would be wonderful if this trip were like that too.  Obviously the thesis-stress won't go away...but keep your fingers crossed for lowered body/food anxiety.  It'd be so nice.

(I may or may not be focusing unduly on M in order to avoid thinking/stressing about seeing my family again.  Le sigh.)

Dammit, body, why can't you be thin and gorgeous?  And double dammit, brain, why can't you be normal about food?  (And possibly just learn to accept the damn body as it is?)