Oh wow, I think I just had a self-revelation of sorts.  Maybe minor, but small steps are good too.

I've talked about before how I have always felt that I am innately bad, undeserving, unlovable, all that shit.  I was thinking this morning (actually, I was having a conversation with myself in the mirror while pretending to talk to someone else--sounds insane, I know, but sometimes it helps.  I think it's because it forces me to verbalize my thought processes and actually listen to how they sound outside my head).  Remember how I did all those affirmations etc. with therapist?  And I made lists of things that were good about me and reasons to like myself.  And sometimes I'm actually able to say straight-up that I'm kind of awesome?  (I feel like those instances are becoming fewer, likely because I'm just so not happy with myself & my life now.)

Anyway, I'm having this conversation with myself and I get to thinking about those instances, and the thing is that even when I'm saying good things about myself, some small part of me doesn't believe them.  Like, somehow I believe that I've managed to fake all the good things about myself.  Example: one good thing about me is that I am determined.  I know people see that in me.  But I can't fully accept it as a good thing, because I feel that a lot of that determination comes from pure stubbornness and pride.  I won't allow myself to fail at things, because I'm too proud to quit.  I can do this sort of thing with all of my good traits--twist them around and look at the underlying motivations.  And my underlying motivations are always bad, to my mind.  Even things like altruism, caring about people, those things which don't really have self-serving motivations get twisted--in that I know I'm good at faking, and I also know that "fake it til you make it" is not just a cliche.  Faking it sometimes actually does become making it.  (See psych studies that show that if you smile, you actually do feel happier--your behavior influences your emotions to bring them into congruency.)

And here's the possible self-revelation (or maybe I'm just full of bullshit): one purpose behind some of my ED tendencies (particularly the restrictive ones).  I was a gymnast, remember.  Body is pretty goddamn important in that sport.  And body is one thing you cannot fake.  You can't fake strength.  You can't fake physical appearance.  Certainly there are tricks you can use to appear differently...but when you are naked in front of a mirror, or in front of someone else, or in a skin-tight leotard in front of thousands, you can't fake that.

I think perhaps I've sublimated this into a reason for restriction: because to me, restriction = control + thin (I'm sure there are other reasons behind my belief in this equation, but let's not get distracted here).  I think restriction for me is a way of proving to myself that I am strong and in control, and the outcome of restriction (weight loss) is my way of proving that to everyone else.  Because while I can fake being happy and successful, I can't fake my body.  So if my body were great, then obviously that is a good thing about myself that is actually true and that I could really believe.

All of this is, of course, completely stupid.  What would make my body "great"?  Who defines those things?  I'm sure there are people who like my body just as it is now (though I am not one of them, and actually I just realized that while I know the previous statement is logically highly likely, I don't really truly 100% believe that anyone likes my body as it is now--and if they do, I'm convinced they'd like it better were I thinner--even M, who practically spent 3 days in bed with me & TOLD me he liked my body).

Aaaaauuughhhhhhhh.  I hate my brain!  I write all this stuff out, and I can SEE that it's all wrong.  I KNOW I'm having irrational thought processes.  But somewhere inside I still believe all of those irrational things.  SO FRUSTRATING.

This is how I feel about everything right now.