Tomorrow the family.  Oh boy.

M's gone--left me in his apartment.  Kinda weird to stay here by myself, but super nice of him to let me.  I'm taping little notes around the place for fun ("NOM CAFFEINE" on the coffee-maker, "I'm sexy and I know it" in a speech bubble on the mirror, positioned high enough so it will look like he's saying it, "[Salix] slept (and didn't sleep) here" with lipstick print on the bedside table).  I still love that he postponed his trip just for me.  And yeah.  We totally fucked.  And it was fun.  (Plus a nice little self-confidence boost.)

The first couple days with M were completely awesome.  We walked around the city, ordered in and watched a movie and cuddled, talked, had lots of sex, etc.  I told him about FH and complained about thesis.  He told me he hadn't slept with anyone since me last summer and showed me videos of his "studying" (his work requires some acting skill, so he practices in front of the camera.  It's completely and totally hilarious).

Then we had a little fight the night before he left (at freaking 6am the next day).  Not so fun--I've never fought with him before.  You know how I poke at things a lot?  Like, I have a hard time letting go of things that bother me or things that make me curious?  (I think that trait is one of the main reasons I am a scientist.)  It's sort of compulsive for me.  Yeah, M is like that too.  He pushes people (metaphorically), just to see how they react.  And so we'd had a little wine (I was just a tiny bit drunk--oops), and eventually we went to bed and we were just messing about and talking...and he started pushing.  I was being insecure and lame, and he pushed at it, and I don't know--I was drunk and got upset.  We were both at fault--he shouldn't have pushed me so far, but then again, I did overreact a bit.  Anyway, I got cranky.  And (I think he intended this as an apology) he said, "You know how it's hard for me to talk about personal stuff?  Well, here's a personal thing.  When I care about people, I push them away. I don't know why."  And ohhh then I made a boo-boo.  I was upset, you know?  And the first thing I thought was that he was trying to manipulate me--imply that he cared about me just to see how I reacted, to make fun of me (like, oh, haha, you really believed I cared about you).  Which, now that I am calm and remembering it, is really really obviously not what he intended.  But in that moment, in my upset, drunken, insecure state...clear thinking wasn't happening.  And yes, I'm aware that my past experiences with emotional abuse were totally clouding my judgment.  (Also my insecurity.)  But oh dear, my reaction.  So bad.  I just completely tossed his personal admission aside.  I said, "Nooo, really??  Yeah, that's not news.  It's kind of obvious."  So yes.  Then we were both upset.

The next morning, as he was leaving, he said, "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have pushed you.  People do stupid things.  I do a lot of stupid things."  And I hugged him and said I was sorry for being stupid too.  So I think we are okay.

But I didn't realize until later how I had just completely disregarded his personal fact.  And I know it is really difficult for him to open up to people.  So I feel quite badly about that.  I'm going to leave another note apologizing for it and thanking him for telling me.  I'm going to say that I'm honored he chose to share with me.

Okay, enough about M.  He's a good friend and a great fuck, but I'm even more convinced that we'd never work together.

I'm coming back here again this winter.  A friend is getting married, and apparently I'm invited to the wedding.  This friend is someone I met through D, and when the friend mentioned my invite the other day, he also mentioned that D wasn't invited.  "Are you sure?" I said, "I mean, D is one of your best friends.  Really, don't let me keep you from inviting him!  I'm totally fine if he's there; it's not a big deal at all."  And friend said, "No, we want to keep the wedding really small.  The guest list is capped off already, and we decided we would rather have you there than D."  And then friend's fiancee chimed in, "Yeah, I like you better than D anyway."

I mean WOW.  Way to make a girl feel special.  (And slightly guilty.)

I've felt pretty special this whole trip.  It's nice to come back; everyone's been so sweet and excited to see me.  I think I've only paid for one lunch and one dinner this entire week (even M kept paying for me.  I told him to stop it and he told me to quit being silly).  Old advisor took me to lunch yesterday and had me over to dinner today.  And I got to play trucks with his baby who is not such a baby anymore but who is completely and totally adorable and gave me kisses when I left.  Awwwww.  I love kids.  I don't ever want to have any of my own, but I do love other people's kids.

The only bad part of this trip?  I haven't gotten ANY work done.  I wrote up one shitty abstract.  That's it.  Ooops.  I'll be paying for that soon...next week is going to be so horribly awfully overwhelming.

Ah well.  It was worth it.

Next to face the family tomorrow.  My mother will be my mother, as always, and my father...well, I'm trying to prepare but no matter how much I do, his appearance will still shock me.  Somehow every time I visit he looks worse.  Mom says he can barely walk with the walker now.

I just need to keep it together long enough to get back to the west coast.  I'll cry when I get back home, when FH is there to hold me.