Another day, another binge.

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.  Fuck me.

I'm just so frustrated.  WHY isn't this working for me?  Those first 2 weeks of September were amazing.  I want that for always.  I was IN CONTROL.  I could eat whatever I wanted because I was in control of the portion size.  And now here I am back where I always end up where I cannot eat a single bite of anything or I end up eating everything.

My new plan is to increase restriction limits.  Goal of 1000 cals per day.  That is ok, right?  That is a low-normal intake.  That is above starvation levels.  It still seems like a huge number to eat without binging.  But it is below my estimated BMR so I would still be losing weight.

I am a biologist.  I ought to know how my body metabolizes, etc.  But for some reason I am irrationally convinced that my body operates outside normal laws of physics.  And sometimes if I eat anything I just know it will magically cause me to gain a million pounds.

Anyway.  That was the plan for yesterday.  FAIL.  And the kicker is that I know the binges cost me way more than 1000 cals.  I know that!  WHY CAN'T I STOP?

Every time I expressed this frustration to Dr. Therapist, she told me that SSRIs had worked for every bulimic patient she had ever seen and just to be patient with the medication.  IT'S NOT FUCKING WORKING.  The first 2 weeks of September were the longest I've gone without a binge since the amazing-ness of last November's 3 weeks.  And I was not medicated for either of those times.  The record with the medication is 9 days over this past summer.

OHGOD I FEEL DISGUSTING.  Ugh!  Those are really REALLY horrible numbers.  I was so happy with the 2 weeks...but put that into perspective over a year?  FUCK.

I can't handle this.  I don't know what to do.

I'm still medicating this next week.  I said I would until the end of September.  If binging continues all this week I might have to stop.  I don't think I can take it.  I definitely can't afford it.

But then what about the anxiety?  I still feel things are not quite okay with the D situation...I can't stress him out any further.  I won't.  But if I stop medicating I am going to tell him.

But then again, I will be able to find a new therapist when school starts.  And I want to try biofeedback therapy so that I will not have to take meds anymore.  Maybe I can hold on until then?

Maybe if I fake normal long enough then I will become it.