Today I am not eating to make up for the sins of yesterday and the day before. It won’t help. Why am I doing this? Two amazing weeks of heavy restriction and control and it was wonderful. Why why why always back to this cycle of binge starve binge starve binge? I should eat 3 small meals today and stick to restriction as I was doing. But I cannot eat. I cannot. Today only black coffee and water. Maybe then I will be ok.
And now that I have had a day of mortar and pestle in the lab and reading reading reading my lovely textbook with the gorgeous pictures I feel much calmer. Mortar and pestle work is the best thing for frustration, I think.
But I owe you an explanation. So here we go.
Reasons why Salix felt/sorta still feels worthless:
1. The goddamned food thing.
2. Insecurity about D. He’s formed a study group for one of his classes and it consists of—what else?—all girls aside from him (the school he’s at is 70% female, so that’s not surprising, but still). I asked, “Any competition?” and he told me jealousy doesn’t suit me. I pushed and he said, “She’s a cute girl, but you know I am seeing someone. :P” (there is actually only one eligible girl in the group). So a good answer, but I have INSECURITY ISSUES THAT KNOW NO BOUNDS.
3. Uncertainty and fear about the whole damned relationship.
4. His (perceived) lack of interest. For instance we are both on skype right now, videocams on, and we are not even talking to each other. He is reading something and I am writing this.
5. He sent a paper in for a conference presentation. They said they wanted to focus only on authors in that particular region…but that they wanted to PUBLISH the paper in their journal instead. I should be happy for him. I am happy for him. But at the same time I am SO JEALOUS. I worked for a YEAR on my stuff and I have CONCRETE results not just stupid thoughts and it should have been sent out for review AGES ago except my fucking coauthor is SLOW-AS-FUCK and won’t fucking finish looking over it. I HAVE WORKED SO HARD. And D just writes an essay off the top of his head and gets it published by fucking accident.
6. I hate myself for being so jealous. A GOOD girlfriend would be supportive and understand why he is so excited and not watch and wish that she were in his place.
7. I don’t even know. The food thing. The medication thing. EVERYTHING.
RAWR JUST FUCK IT ALL.
jealousy doesn't suit anyone, love. nor does scumbaggery; you have to be able to be happy when you are with him. i am fairly sure the same goes for co-authors.
ReplyDeletei really hope your writing is published, you are vunderful, i think. i like the way you say "fuck!" donc, oui...
you're lovely. don't let men and slackers hold you down.
Guh...I hate when other people drag their feet on projects I'm invested in. IT MAKES ME SO MAD. So yeah, I feel your pain on that front. In the meantime, just remind yourself how cool it is to be able to say, "hey, my boyfriend is published; what has your boyfriend done lately? not shit, I bet."
ReplyDeleteThat's bragging rights of a different kind, and it makes you seem like a more supportive girlfriend, even if you're not as happy as you could be.
;)
IT'S PERFECTLY FUCKING NORMAL TO FEEL JEALOUS. Just don't let it eat you up or poison your realtionship. Or I'll come over there are chew on your knees or something :p How 'bout I go boot that slack coauthor cunt up the arse instead?
ReplyDeleteI say treat everything for the next week like a fox terrier. If you can't eat it or have sex with it, just piss on it and walk away.
*HUGS*