I think December is just going to have to be written off.  Honestly, at this point, I'll be ecstatic with just a maintenence of weight.  Especially since I'm allowing a binge day on Christmas.

Sometimes I suspect that holidays were created just as an excuse for eating.  Ugh.  Who needs 'em?  I don't even WANT to go home.  I want to stay here, isolated in my apartment, where I can do/not do whatever I want whenever I want.  It's so much nicer to be on my own.

D. is coming over in a bit.  I don't really want him to see me right now, as I am disgusting beyond all possible reason.  But I do want to see him.

I honestly wish I could make myself puke.  I know it is ineffective (though surely it works better than laxatives...but then, I don't have any of those right now either) and terribly damaging, but I still want it.  I can't handle this trying to be normal.  D. eats SO MUCH.  More than a regular person, I am sure.  I'm usually pretty good at making excuses...but I know he wants to take me out (why why WHY does courtship revolve around food?  I know it is a social thing, but really!) sometimes--and in fact, tonight he txted early to make sure I'd be available for dinner (one of my more common excuses is that I already ate/am in the process of cooking food).

And I don't want to jeopardize our relationship by letting my fucked-up food problems get involved.  I really like D. 

I am so sick of this!  I don't want to do it anymore!  I wish I could go places without having to worry whether food will be involved or not.  I wish I could go out to eat like a normal person without thinking about how little I can get away with.  I wish I could eat without automatically slipping into binge mode.  I wish I didn't like the feeling of lightness, wish I didn't crave to fill the empty spaces, wish I could sort my feelings out without resorting to food.

I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL.  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?